Dean’s World contributor, Ron Coleman, has cited — with approval — a somewhat lengthy passage from Kay S. Hymnowitz on “America’s Chief Source of Inequality: The Marriage Gap.” Now, I’m not interested in the rest of the blather — hey, I picks ‘em and chooses ‘em as I see fit — but here’s what caught my eye from Hymnowitz’s essay:
These women also understand how to get their kids college-bound. Educated, middle-class mothers tend to be dedicated to what I have called The Mission, the careful nurturing of their children’s cognitive, emotional, and social development, which, if all goes according to plan, will lead to the honor roll and a spot on the high school debate team, which will in turn lead to a good college, then perhaps a graduate or professional degree, which will all lead eventually to a fulfilling career, a big house in a posh suburb, and a sense of meaningful accomplishment.
So, what I want to know is this: when did the feminist (with a small f) movement end?
When did a woman’s life become once again defined by the accomplishments of her offspring?
When did it cease to be acceptable for a woman to say, “Hey, I’d like to have some of my own happiness here?” and where the hell is a woman supposed to fit her own self-fulfillment it in the agenda of The Mission?
Why must women “have it all” — by which, I’ve learned in those years since I’ve cancelled my subscription to Cosmo really means ‘stress out about it all’ — and what makes us any less admirable, desirable, or worthy for not wanting it?
At what point is a woman allowed to say: “Hey, I want to be with my husband. I miss all those reasons we married in the first place, and I am tired of fulfilling everyone else’s mommy-hood agenda that leaves me no time with him?!?”
Tuesday, December 5th, 2006, 8:49 pm | 
My Venomous Life, Sex Bites | 
RSS feed
Comments and pings are currently closed.
December 5, 2006 at 8:54 pm
Ah, but are you saying you don’t want that stuff for your son? “Have it all” can be defined as you see fit–and I don’t know a married mother who wouldn’t want to fit all three–optimal upbringing for child, connection ith husband, time for self–into the mix.
December 5, 2006 at 8:58 pm
But it’s hard, isn’t it? There are still only 24.
December 5, 2006 at 8:59 pm
Hard doesn’t begin to cover it, probably.
December 5, 2006 at 9:00 pm
I don’t see it as defined by my child’s accomplishments; I see it as not being able to live with myself if I don’t do the best I can for him … which admittedly doesn’t feel much like my best every day.
December 5, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Well, yes, there is that. And that’s the most of it, to be perfectly honest. At least from where I am, at this stage: there is knowing what can be, there is knowing what I want to make happen, and there is the reality of my finite time/patience/interest.
But, you know, sometimes I don’t feel like we’re allowed to say any longer that there is, indeed, a limit on our time, patience or interest. And therein lies depression.
December 5, 2006 at 9:08 pm
Oh, forget that. We’re allowed. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve guilted myself about this and that, only to find that the next three moms I meet have the same issues. We ALL have the same mom issues, or at least a similar number of them if not exactly the same ones. Period. Anybody who doesn’t think so is kidding herself.
December 5, 2006 at 9:12 pm
I just read the l-o-n-g piece by Hymnowitz you linked to. It sort’ve made me chuckle as I frequently do when reading what the author no doubt intended as an in-depth oberservation of the flux of marriage then and now. Marriage is messy. Its messy living together, compromising, finding the couple while retaining the individual, etc., etc. Its a shame to see it broken down to such an analysis that seemingly excludes the heart and soul of love and dare I say it – committment.
Anyway, that being said, I loathe The Mission stated above. Its so misrepresentative of so many of us. I am middle-class, educated, and certainly want my children their life to have a “sense of meaningful accomplishment”, however, I do not believe for a minute that the list provided is the end all to guarantee the meaningful accomplishment. You can do all the above things listed and still end up empty in the soul and life still not having meaning beyond the immediate gratification. Surely life is worth more than a degree, a profession, a big house and the trappings? Give me children who can love God, seek to serve others, stay committed to their beliefs in a mad world, and know that love transcends all the temporal snares of this life.
p.s. my youngest son at 17 is unable to sit through a class due to cerebral learning issues, etc. He is plowing slowly through a continuation school. He will not go to college, he will not be a professional. What he is and will continue to be is a gentle soul who walks the straight and narrow, respects his parents, gives of himself to others, and believes that the way he is is just fine because he was indeed handmade by God…this in spite of sibs at UCLA…
December 5, 2006 at 9:39 pm
Dana, thank you for that. It’s important. It’s the “meaningful accomplishment” that counts the most, no matter how it’s reached.
December 5, 2006 at 10:19 pm
IMHO a woman has not only the right, but the obligation, to say all of those things whenever she isn’t getting them, and the same thing goes for hubby.
December 6, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Whoa. My dad, my brothers and my husband never finished college. I guess mom failed. Too bad they’re all pretty much happy.
I mean, my dad writes in his pjs in his house. My brother is a CTO. My other brother is a happy SAHD after being a highly paid high tech worker. My poor husband just needs a job that doesn’t suck.
And a degree has nothing to do with it.
December 6, 2006 at 5:38 pm
Addressing only what Kate quoted, I regard the observation as a testament to the success of “the feminist movement” (although not as Betty Friedan might have defined it).
The whole school/college thing (to the extent that it is engaged by parents — and disregarding the nature of those who engage in it) is now a team effort. Co-coaches raising the player, pushing pushing pushing for better grades, more extra-curricluar activities, more glowing recommendations from beleaguered teachers.
It’s all part of the whole competition for success/status/recognition that was formerly the husband/father’s principal domain.
It’s all so much bullshit, mostly, but in my insignificant little world here, the mothers are the more ruthless players int he game. The guys just wanna catch the soccer games and have a few beers at the Legion after.
December 6, 2006 at 6:03 pm
How many degrees does a person need?
98.6
December 7, 2006 at 1:13 pm
Priceless, WG. And thanks, everyone: my bad mood has dissipated, mostly due to getting some very much needed sleep.