So, who’s your call for the winner of American Idol? Don’t tell me it’s David. I already know that, duh!

Meanwhile, since I can’t help but admitting that Potato Head David Cook has improved dramatically these past few weeks, I refuse to call a winner.

Except this: the David (Caradine) Cocktail.

Hey, if we’re going to have a battle of the Davids, why not one which isn’t afraid to acknowledge it bites?

The David Carradine

1 part Creme de Menthe
1 part Canadian Whiskey
1 part Dark Creme de Cacao
1 part Heavy Cream

Directions:
Mix in the order: cacao, menthe, whiskey, milk. Try to keep the layers separate. Float on the back of a spoon, tilt the glass and pour very gently, etc.

(Courtesy of DrinkSwap.com

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Ah, it’s time for the estrogen-laden version of American Idol. Conveniently enough, I’m dealing with my own PMT… which means you’ve got Four Non-Blondes (and all those fake ones) and ME.

Ready?

I thought so.

(Aside: Did you catch that straight-at-the-camera glance from Simon? He was thinking how Paula Abdul’s boobs don’t look nearly as good as mine.)

Carly Smithson: Amazing voice, but I’ve got used tampons with more charisma than she demonstrates on stageand they haven’t had a $2.2 million recording contract that should’ve been sufficient to buy them a personality.

Syesha Mercado: For the record, Me and Mrs. Jones (mp3) is one of my all-time favorite songs. It’s a song of lust, and it’s a song of shame. As much as I like Syesha — and I remember her auditions — she didn’t capture either emotion.

Brooke White: If I had a dime for every time I’ve sat in a bar and heard some chick try to emote her way through You’re So Vain I just might be able to afford the album that Brooke White deserves to record.

Ramiel Malubay: Ordinarily I like this little woman with the big voice, but listening to her sing this song was like looking at a poster of a Rembrandt: you know it’s good, but you don’t feel how good it really is. The bra-hitch thing at the end was kind of cute, though.

(Aside: Is it me, or is the girls’ show ten times longer than the boys’ was last night?)

Kristy Cook: Wow, those legs. That hair. Those hips. That face. But that voice? Ish.

Amanda Overmyer: Unlike Robbie Carrico, I’ve got no problem believing Amanda’s been ridden hard and put away wet. Twenty-eight years old? My 40-year-old ass looks younger than she does. It’s also had better hairstyles..

Alaina Whitaker: Now that I’ve listened to a nationally-syndicated explanation of her eating disorders, I can honestly say that her singing was as nauseating as her song choice of Hopelessly Devoted.

Alexandrea Lushington: On a fashion note… I’m incapable of understanding any rationale that pairs a down vest with shorts and leather high-heel ankle boots. On a musical note… well, it’s nice that one of us was on one.

Kady Malloy: Wow, she sounded SO much better with my “Mute” button on.

Asia’h Epperson: I love Asiah’s voice as well as her song choice, All By Myself, although I’m more partial to the Gregorian Chant version which she didn’t even come close to surpassing. And, as they say, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades… so I’m going to chalk that performance up as a bomb.

All in all? I had more fun listening to the boys last night… including the two boys who really, let’s face it, ought to count as girls. But, hey, at least I got to look at Simon.

After blowing off Idol last week and realizing the sky did not fall down, I’d given serious thought to ignoring the rest of the season, too. After all, with two contestants previously under recording contracts and one bragging about his international tours, the show no longer feels like it’s about discovering undiscovered talent. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much else on of interest tonight so I figured I might as well listen to the guys sing.

I almost wish I’d just gone to bed early.

Michael Johns: Ordinarily, I’m a big Fleetwood Mac fan but his efforts to sound like Lindsay Buckingham were reminiscent of a goat strangling on a piece of barbed wire. And is it just me, or does his upper lip look more like a bottom lip? Weird.

Jason Castro: The granola-munching Rasta hippie dude is back? Color me surprised. I kind of liked his rendition of that old Bee Gees tune: nice and vapid, just like the original. The only thing missing was someone sparking up a clove cigarette to give the whole performance that Friday night at the coffee house feel. Whatever will he do without that guitar to cover his weak vocals?

Luke Menard: Nice piece of college musical theatre performance, but there was only one Freddie Mercury and you aren’t him. So next time you want to show off your range try to at least ensure that all the notes in the song are actually in your range. Oh, and stop mugging for the home viewers you camera whore.

Robbie Carrico: Sure, he’s got the hair and wears his bandanna like Brett Michaels, but watching this guy move reminds me more of Justin Timberlake. Authentic rocker? I don’t think so. That was quite possibly the most lukewarm version of “Hot Blooded” I’ve ever heard.

Danny Noriega: The photos confirm he’s been a girl longer than he’s been a boy. (As if the song choice didn’t?) I’d feel bad about being so snarky but….Zzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry, I fell asleep. Ish.

David Hernandez: Somehow, I’m not terribly surprised to learn he wore leotards as a child. I like him anyway, and I really liked his rendition of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”. Sssssmokin’!

Jason Yeager: Someone needs to advise this young man to firm up those pecs or get a man-bra. As to the song, I couldn’t decide if I was listening to a karaoke performance or watching a toothpaste commercial. And what the heck was that odd little flappy move at the end? (Could it have been a pec workout?)

Chikezie: I believe… I believe… I believe I’ve always loved Donnie Hathaway and that was one fine performance of one of his great songs. It looked fun, too. I hadn’t remembered much of him from previous performances (except the infamous red suit) but I really enjoyed this one even with the cheap shot at Simon.

David Cook: I’m supposed to root for this guy as our local contestant, what with him coming from a town just an hour away. He’s a word nerd, too, which one might think would make me like him. But I don’t. He’s smug, he sings down his nose and his voice is utterly unremarkable. Also, he needs to wash his hair.

David Archuleta: This little guy is just so adorable he makes me want to pick him up… for my daughter. Such a pure, wonderful and expressive voice. And yet as much as I like the guy, it really shocked me to hear someone his age sing John Lennon’s anthem, Imagine. It shocked me even more to love it as much as I did. And I absolutely 100% did love it!

Last night’s Hollywood episode of American Idol — which whittled down 200+ contestants to 50 or so, from which the judges will narrow it to 24 — reminded me why I don’t like watching until mid-season.

The real pisser? At the beginning of Day 2 the judges said there would be no second chances… then gave a second chance to Josiah, the 17-year-old kid living in his car. I wasn’t all that impressed with the song he did for his first performance, but then again I didn’t even recognize the tune so I wouldn’t know if he was singing it well.

I’d already had my hate on for him the moment they began airing footage of Josiah crying in the hall, Josiah crying in his chair, Josiah crying backstage. Then came the time he cried because after he’d spent an hour “working out the arrangements for the band” (of professional, experienced musicians, I might add) so they could accompany him on his second song, he got frustrated when they didn’t play the way he wanted them to. So he walked out of the practice session and refused to return, even when the vocal coach asked him to come back.

Cue footage of Josiah crying again, then fast-forward to when Josiah (after drying his tears) took to the stage… and asked the band to leave so he could sing Stand by Me “as he hears it in his head”. As he proceeded to assault everyone’s ears with one of the most horrific, tuneless and appalling renditions of the classic song it struck me that perhaps Josiah needs medications to shut up whatever it is he “hears in his head”.

And… they gave him a second chance anyway. This, despite all three judges agreeing that it was abominable.

But on a positive note: Abstinence Amy is off the show. Can’t say I’m going to miss the vapid blinking of her big blue eyes accompanied by a lip-glossed pout that pretty much advertises Amy won’t be all about abstinence for too much longer. (And why, btw, did she seek the assistance of a “vocal coach” who was a Season 4 reject, much less let that “coach” select her song for them… a song Amy had never even heard and thus proceeded to massacre???)

Oh, and a word to Idol producers: we’ve all pretty much figured out that if you’re doing an in-depth “montage” about a contestant it’s a rather sure bet that person’s getting cut. Knock it off.

Sure, it’s Super Tuesday but it’s also American Idol night. Thankfully, I’ve yet to get truly interested in Idol this season since it’s still in the early stages.

Otherwise, to be perfectly honest, I’d probably tune into Idol and skip the Super Tuesday coverage the other networks will be airing, analyzing, predicting, rehashing and otherwise milking for hours.

How about you: what will you be watching?

So, you’re stuck at work — or your significant other has monopolized the TV — and you are dying to know what’s happening on American Idol’s finale tonight. Never fear. Yes, while you do need a life, I don’t have one, either. Ergo, I’ll be live-blogging the final show. That means plenty of updates to this entry, so keep refreshing your browser window and you won’t miss a thing.

(more…)

Is it just me, or does this season seem longer than its predecessors? Perhaps it was the whole Sanjaya saga. Or maybe it’s due to the fact that, just three weeks into it, the likely front-runners were so clearly established as to make the weekly “competition” a meaningless ritual.

At least last night was a bit more fun than usual, thanks to the distraction of Paula’s hallucinogenic-inspired French Maid uniform and the fact that, at least this time she couldn’t deny being on drugs.

Unfortunately, the only surprise of the evening involved just how appallingly awful the winning song from the “Songwriting Contest” - “This is My Now” — was. As one wag asks:

Why not just drop the last ”w” in the song title and call it ”This Is My No”?

Can I get an Amen?

What’s that — I’ve skipped over Blake and Jordin’s first two songs just to focus on that one, final, awful song at the end? That’s right. I didn’t find anything in either of their first two performances to be worth mentioning. But, ok, for those of you who didn’t catch Idol last night, it went like this:

Blake outdid himself by rehashing his earlier rendition of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name,” complete with the exact same robot-juke box choreography and beat boxing. This time it was a bit more energetic, which might explain why his later cover of Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” was the audio equivalent of Excedrin PM with a warm milk chaser.

Jordin’s rendition of Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” demonstrated that the girl with the megawatt smile can, indeed, rock. If you consider Christina Aguilera a “rocker.” Which I don’t. And, like Blake, it sounded as if Jordin had put it all out there on her first tune because her second, “Broken Wing,” damn near finished Blake’s work at putting me to sleep.

As Simon pointed out, the competition has come down to one who is a great performer and one who is a great singer. And the difference between them is vast as demonstrated when each took their turn singing that awful, awful “Now” song.

Refraining from beat boxing, Blake didn’t do anything to improve upon a crappy tune and, judging by his manic jumping up and down midway through the song, even he couldn’t wait for it to be over.

And then Jordin sang. The mark of someone with truly gifted vocals: being able to turn even that hideous tune into something moving and, although not memorable, at least a bit less excruciating.

My prediction: Jordin.

And now, in other Idol news…

Kellie Pickler’s father was arrested. Again. Poor girl — her acorn has fallen a long way from the tree. Pity she can’t use some of her earnings to put her father in a nice, padded luxury apartment where he can cease being an embarrassment to her as well as himself.

Did anyone else catch the “if-looks-could-kill” glare that Melinda Doolittle gave Jordin during her final performance last night? I never did by the “aw, shucks I’m so humble” crap.

Daughtry predicts tonight’s winner is…. his band.

John Mayer doesn’t think much of Carrie Underwood. I always did like him.

And finally, last year’s winner, Taylor Hicks (yeah, Taylor who?), is touring… and playing in pretty much the same kind of venues he played before winning American Idol. County fair, anyone?

Did you catch Idol last night? I did, although I just wasn’t in the mood to blog it. Funny thing, that: the further this season has progressed, the less I’ve had to say about the performances. Perhaps that’s due to the whole predictability factor — I wasn’t the only one saying as early as Week 3 it would come down to Blake, Melinda and Jordin.

My recollection of last night’s performances:

Melinda Doolittle: Once again, her neck disappeared. Once again, she delivered technically good performances but somehow lacking in actual personality. The whole Tina Turner “Nutbush City Limits” rendition sounded great… but felt much like watching someone trying to be Tina Turner. (Without the same degree of physical comfort, I might add.) And her re-run of an earlier performance — complete with a little bad acting involving her jacket — was so much less engaging than the first time around. I think the repeat was a bad choice: it reminded me of the first time she’d sung “I’m a Woman,” and yet failed to impress.

Blake: His version of “Roxanne” sounded off to my ears. Flatter than Sting’s and lacking in that split-second-before-the-beat timing that stands out in anything by the Police. Loved the Maroon 5 song, though, and I wholly agree with Randy that Blake’s album needs to have that vibe. The Robin Thicke song? Didn’t like it. No, not at all. Then again, I don’t like it when Robin Thicke does it, either.

Jordin: I agree with Simon that the first song’s jazz arrangement marred the performance, but Jordin herself sang quite well. Her Donna Summers tune was uncannily well-done… for a kid who wasn’t even alive when the original blared nightly at the disco. As for her choice to reprise an earlier performance with “I (Who Have Nothing)”… unlike Melinda’s repeat, this one delivered. Pisses me off that a 17 year-old can sing with such power and emotion, but that’s precisely why I’ll be buying her album.

My prediction: Blake will go home. The Zomby thinks the teen vote will keep him there.

What’s your say?

Now that Sanjaya – a/k/a The Boy Blunder — is gone, I’m no longer boycotting American Idol. Which is a good thing, because I wouldn’t have missed tonight for the world. Oh, it’s not for the reason you think. Yeah, it was cool they didn’t boot anyone off during a charity event.

But, apparently, even Paula was in a giving kind of mood.

Now, wait… why is Simon smiling? Look again:

Apparently, Simon likes what he sees… even if it’s Paula.

Note to Paula: You ain’t no Janet Jackson.

Strange, but apparently true. Hillary Clinton views Sanjaya’s continued presence on American Idol as proof that voting works, while Nancy Pelosi shook up her schedule to ensure she could vote for Boy Blunder last week.

During a radio call-in on Wokq-FM, the New York Senator was asked by a New Hampshire voter what the United States can do about Sanjaya, survivor extraordinaire on “American Idol.”

“That’s the best question I’ve been asked in a long time,” Clinton said. “Well, you know, people can vote for whomever they want. That’s true in my election, and it’s true on ‘American Idol.’”

And then there’s House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who appeared on NBC’s “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno, and apologized for being late. It had been for a critical situation: she had cast a vote for “American Idol” contestant Sanjaya Malakar.

So, there you go: two more reasons not to vote for Sanjaya this week or any other.

I hate you.

I hate you with the fury of a thousand liberals suddenly confronted with their own worthlessness.

I hate you with the intensity of an involuntary virgin on her death bed.

I hate you with ferocity of a million dieting women fighting over the last cookie on the face of the earth.

I hate you with the obsessive anger of an adolescent boy rejected by the high school whore.

I hate you with the rabid, vengeful hate of an anorectic supermodel considered “too fat” for Cosmo.

I hate you with the bitter, finger-pointing animosity of the Democratic Party pondering the 2000 election results.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I HATE YOU.

Winners announced Sunday.

Look, if Sanjaya’s going to stay in, shouldn’t he at least wear a VoteForTheWorst.com t-shirt?

Since Sanjaya’s still on the show, I’m sticking to my American Idol boycott (and, no, I haven’t had any chocolate, either).

Suddenly, I have Tuesday nights free… at least for one week. How to fill the time? I think I’ll intentionally watch one of the other networks — just to drive the point home to Fox and American Idol that they need to develop some kind of measure to prevent intentional screwing with the results.

And you: what will you be doing?

I knew by the buzzing of my cell phone and the dinging of my email that Sanjaya survived yet another week. As for me, I refused to watch the results show. This season is a farce thanks to countless idiots trying to keep Sanjaya in for the laughs.

Next week, I’m going to vote with my remote: I won’t watch but, instead, will call in my votes for every other contestant besides Sanjaya. Don’t care if they’re good. Don’t care if they forget their words, if their song choices are bad, or if they scream the entire song through. They’ll still be better than another week of the Boy Blunder.

I am not taking it as far as this fan, however:

LOS ANGELES (March 21, 2007) — While many fans are left scratching their heads as to why Sanjaya Malakar is still singing on “American Idol,” one fan is taking a stand against his road to “Idol” glory.

A young lady who calls herself “J” on MySpace is staging a hunger strike until Sanjaya and his ever-changing locks are voted off of “Idol.”

“I have always been a big fan of American Idol, so like many people I was excited for the 6th season to start this year. Aside from the initial debacle with contestant Antonella Barba, season 6 was starting to look like it may be actually very good. However, there is one hinge in this broad spectrum of talent this year … Sanjaya Malakar,” J writes on her MySpace page. “We have no problems with Sanjaya personally…However, he does NOT belong on ‘American Idol.’”

“So until the day that Sanjaya is no longer American Idol, I will be going on a hunger strike. This means I will refuse to eat anything until American Idol voters wise up, and stop voting Sanjaya through each week,” she states. “I you would like to see this hunger strike end, the only way to let this happen is to vote for anyone OTHER than Sanjaya after ‘American Idol’ on Tuesday.”

(Catch her video here.)

Look, I’m as disgusted as the next person that Sanjaya’s still on — and don’t hand me that “But he’s got a beautiful soul” crap because I don’t know the guy nor have I heard anything about him that makes him sound so exceptional that his lack of talent should not count in a damn talent show!

But to give up food? Not a chance.

Now, chocolate… that’s another matter.

So I, Venomous Kate, hereby pledge that I will not eat chocolate in any form until Sanjaya is voted off of American Idol. Not one bite. None.

Save a life. Give me back my chocolate. Vote for everyone else but Sanjaya next week!

I’m not going to watch the American Idol results show tonight. No, I’m not. I won’t. I can’t make myself, and you can’t make me, either.

I just can’t bear the thought of Sanjaya making the cut. Again.

UPDATE: If he does slide through, this ought to be enough to scare everyone else into voting for their favorites next week:

Yes, I watched American Idol last night. No, I didn’t blog along during the show. Blame it on my cold: I was asleep within minutes of the show ending which, I suppose, is better than having fallen asleep during. When I woke up this morning, I didn’t recall thinking that the entire show sucked — not even Sanjaya, really — so I decided to watch it again. You know, in case I’d hallucinated the entire thing.

Haley: Trampy little thing, isn’t she. Great legs. Simon correctly opined that people would not be discussing her actual performance today. It was wholly unmemorable aside from the horrid absence of personal dignity.

Chris R.: Color me surprised. I’d prepared myself for yet another bouncing bobble-head performance and instead Chris treated us all to a rather excellent display of vocal control and phrasing. Pity he can’t shake that nasal sound, though.

Stephanie: When Stephanie first to sing, I couldn’t tell if she was trying to be dramatic or suffering from a bad case of stage fright. I still don’t know, to be honest. Her voice should have perfectly suited Dusty Springfield’s song, but something about the whole performance was… off.

Blake: Oh my. My, my, my. What a wonderful way to modernize an old Zombies tune! At times, Blake actually sounds quite a bit like Sting… without the post-Tantric-confessions smarm factor. If the females’ fan-base gets too split in the Lakisha-Melinda vote, Blake might very well win!

Lakisha: Lakisha is beginning to strike me much as Paris did last season: a young girl coming across as dowdy due to poor song choices and odd stage presence. I didn’t enjoy her song this week, diamonds or no.

Phil: Only the Animals can make “Tobacco Road” feel like a British invasion song. Phil’s rendition sounded more like a bar band — although a very good bar band — closing their first set. Style note: while everyone else on the show makes at least a stab at “dressing up” (even Chris Sligh, who’s bound to look geeky in whatever he wears), but not Phil. Which, frankly, only reinforces his bar-singer persona. Not good.

Jordin: What a wonderful performance… and what a surprise, too. As Simon noted last week, Jordin’s beginning to remind folks that there are more than two women singing well this season. (Note to Stephanie: No, dear, you’re still not one of them.)

Sanjaya: Who’d have thought, prior to last night, that Sanjaya would actually attempt a Kinks’ tune? Or that I would voluntarily listen to him sing not once, not twice, but darned near four times in a row? Well, I had to, you see: each time he started trying to act like a ‘rocker,’ I couldn’t actually hear him sing over the sound of my own laughter. Then the camera panned to that poor little girl whose alleged “tears of joy” looked more like someone just stole her last piece of candy. Again and again and again. Poor little girl. Poor Sanjaya. Poor America if he doesn’t get voted off tonight!

Gina: Love the new ‘do. Love the song — “Paint it Black.” Unfortunately, I didn’t love her performance of it. Oh, she’s got a nice, big, rocking voice — which utterly overpowered the drama and nuance in this song. Pity, that.

Chris Sligh: Increasingly, I find myself closing my eyes to listen to Chris Sligh. That’s about the only way I can appreciate his vocals without being distracted by his baggy pants (Lord, please don’t let them fall off!) and disheveled sports coat. This week, Chris was very listenable: having been trounced over his arrangement of “Endless Love” last week (blech), he most definitely played it safe doing a nice, conservative performance this week. Still, I miss his quirky vocal darings.

Melinda: I want to say something nice about Melinda. I truly do. Unfortunately, I’m finding her increasingly boring. How awful is that? Excellent vocals? Check. Perfect pitch? Check. Dramatic phrasing and sense of drama in the song? Check again. In fact, she’s quite close to perfect… if you like ballads, since — with the exception of “W-O-M-A-N” a few weeks back — that’s all she’s sung. I’d like to hear something from her that’s a bit more contemporary, but chances are she’ll stick with the safe tunes she knows she’s already mastered. (On another, snarky note: her missing neck is starting to bother me. Really.)

UPDATE: Thoughts from David J., along with a passionate plea to parents of teeny-bopper girls. And from Sgt. Hook: the real American Idols.

UPDATE TWO: More (including video clips) from The Anchoress who, like me, is growing weary of Melinda’s song choices even if we do love her voice.

I blame these people:

Votefortheworst.com was started in 2004 to support voting for the entertaining contestants who the producers would hate to see win on American Idol. Why do we do it? During the initial auditions, the producers of Idol only let certain people through. Many good people are turned away and many bad singers are kept around to see Simon, Paula, and Randy so that America will be entertained.

Now why do the producers do this? It’s simple: American Idol is not about singing at all, it’s about making good reality TV and enjoying the cheesy, guilty pleasure of watching bad singing. We agree that a fish out of water is entertaining, and we want to acknowledge this fact by encouraging people to make an even funnier show by helping the amusing antagonists stick around. VFTW sees keeping these contestants around as a golden opportunity to make a funnier show.

The site claims to have had ’successes’ in the past such as John Stevens, Scott Savol, Kevin Covais, Kellie Pickler, and Taylor Hicks.

Not surprisingly, they’re encouraging votes for Sanjaya. So next week, when we have to hear him murder yet another song, blame those folks… and all the teeny-bopper girls who’re just hoping he’ll start sharing the secret to getting Shirley Temple’s hair.

My, my. Isn’t Ryan looking dapper tonight with his purple tie and not one but two — two! — lapel microphones.

Simon, I see, is back to wearing his shirts half-buttoned. Frankly, I think he’s just trying to work his way back to The List. I knew I shouldn’t have raised his hopes last night. So, fine. Ron White’s out (now that I’m sober), Michael Kulikowski retains his status as the most recent addition, and Simon can have his old place back. After all, he did dress up for the occasion.

Now, on to the awful ensemble song… A few thoughts:

1. Why, why, why must they do this to our ears?
2. Is LaKisha a good actress or does she despise Sanjaya as much as it appeared?

Speaking of Sanjaya, bets are now open whether he’ll survive the night.

After Diana Ross’s screechy, pitchy screaming session song one can only hope the Idol contestants stop looking toward her as a musical role model.

UPDATE: Sanjaya is safe again?! That’s just so very wrong.

Now that dinner is out of the way (and for the curious, it was a lovely shrimp linguine tonight), it’s American Idol time again. Since I TiVo’d tonight’s episode, I figure even though I’m starting 50 minutes late, with all the commercials I get to skip I should be caught up in the next half-hour.

First observation: nice little self-congratulatory retrospective on past Idol winners. Anyone notice a certain gray-haired singer conspicuously absent from the list of strong-selling recording artists? Yeah, after suffering through his first album, I’ve done my best to forget him, too.

Ok, time to exercise the index finger to breeze past the happy talk and get straight to the performances.

Brandon “You Can’t Hurry Love”: Bad notes right off the bat. Evidently, nobody told him to look for the red light on top of the camera. Whoever the guy is in the first row that Brandon sang to most of the time must be feeling either flattered or frightened. I’d feel sorry for him for forgetting a couple of lines to the song, except he sounded better during those two brief silences than the rest of the song.

Pause for Ryan Seacrest to ask Simon if he has advice for Melinda Doolittle, who complains about wearing high heels. “You should know,” Simon retorts. To which Seacrest says, “Stay out of my closet.” Not to be topped, Simon (who may very well be back on the list after tonight) replies, “Well, then, come out!”

Pause again so I can wipe up the tea that just landed on my monitor.

Melinda “Home”: Man, I’m torn. I love Melinda’s voice, and yet I hate this song. So the fact that I enjoyed hearing her sing it says, at least to me, much about what a wonderful singer and entertainer this little powerhouse woman is. (Unfortunately, she made Paula cry. That’s not pretty.) Meanwhile, Simon compared Melinda to Gladys Knight… which probably has Dianna Ross ready to claw his eyes out and maybe even Melinda’s, too.

Chris Sligh “Endless Love”: Only curiosity made me sit through this horrible, awful, saccharine song. Hearing Chris say he’d toyed with the melody and tempo a bit piqued my curiosity. Wish I’d just spent the time making more tea. The arrangement was worse than the vocal… not that it’s going to help on the vote. (Note to Chris: Bring back the glasses!)

Gina “Love Child”: One of my long-time favorite songs sung by one of the underdogs in the competition. Although this song is even bigger than Gina’s huge voice, I’ve got to give her props for looking so very comfortable on stage… as long as you didn’t watch her face while she sang. Maybe it’s just me, but it looked like her pitchy notes were hurting her ears, too. Simon called it a ‘middle pack performance.’ The way the performances are going tonight, that might be a good thing.

Sanjaya “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”: Ok, I confess this is one of the only contestant/Diana Ross discussions I didn’t fast-forward through. I figured it would be like watching Diana and Michael Jackson hang out. I was right. Pity I didn’t have time for a shower to rid myself of the creep factor before listening to Sanjaya sing. Oh, wait. No, I’d just need a second shower anyway. The whole thing was creepy. And bad. (Did Sanjaya not understand they’re just singing Diana Ross songs this week, not actually trying to LOOK like her?)

Haley “Missing You”: Now this girl has “sultry” written all over her. But, boy, did she have an attack of nerves tonight. I liked the phrasing and, with the exception of one forgotten line, I thought it was a good performance. First time I’ve been impressed with her, as a matter of fact. I had no idea she had that kind of vocal potential, and I’ll definitely look forward to hearing what she does next week. (Yes, I’m even going to cast votes for her tonight to make that happen.)

Phil “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me”: Although the vocals are nice, I suppose, I still can’t help feel as if I’m sitting in a rather decent hotel lounge listening to their house band. Then again, that might be due to how many hotel lounges I’ve sat in listening to a house band sing this same song. Pity there’s not a cute bartender here to distract me from having to listen to this song.

LaKisha “God Bless the Child”: I adore this song. Always have. Always will. It certainly says something about LaKisha’s vocal abilities when all Diana Ross wants to discuss with her is what she’ll be wearing for the performance. On the other hand, the performance was so very flawless, the only she needed help with was the dress. (It was not a flattering one.) The singing, however, was stunning!

Blake “You Keep Me Hangin’ On”: BeatBox boy dances! BeatBox Boy dresses well! BeatBox Boy did not BeatBox. BeatBox Boy messed with a song so well-loved it’s been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. BeatBox Boy came across as a Boy Band… without the other boys. I’ll say this: it was fun to watch. Can’t say the same about how the sound.

Stephanie “Love Hangover”: (It just dawned on me that I was roller-skating with my fourth-grade crush to this song before Stephanie was even born.) Unfortunately, I’m left once again feeling overpowered by Stephanie’s vocals without having enjoyed the song itself. It never picked up, never built. I just didn’t have any satisfaction at the end of the song… except being glad it was over.

Chris R. “The Boss”: Is it just me, or does this guy look permanently stoned? I can’t decide which I’m more tired of: watching him bounce around and do the fake double-take over his shoulder while he sings, or listening to the nasal Justin Timberlake-wannabe vocal runs. Having decided to spare myself of having to actually watch him (and therefore get dizzy), I didn’t hear anything to like.

Jordan “If We Hold On Together”: Jordan just gets prettier each week, it seems, and more talented as each week passes, too. Schmaltzy song wonderfully sung. Simon’s right: I think Jordan just turned it into a three-girl race. (Note to Stephanie: No, he didn’t include you. Pick better songs.) Wonderful performance, but please stop singing all the tunes from your childhood collection of Disney movies!

Now, if I can just get the horrid vision of Diana Ross erased from my memory before bedtime….

UPDATE: David has some thoughts. Some of them are even about American Idol!