Somehow this entry about mind-reading morphed into a conversation about the various ways women expect men to read their minds.
I took exception to a comment by Steve which claimed that every married man is expected to have mind-reading abilities.
As I pointed out:
I assure you that I am QUITE vocal about what I want, how I want it done, when I want it, and how freaking happy my husband should be whilst doing whatever it is that I want.
Do I get credit for not expecting him to read my mind? Do I get points for actually using Mr. Lips and Mr. Tongue to tell him what I want?
Hell no. I get called a “nag”.
Now, to some extent I suspect VH calls me a nag because men are supposed to call their wives nags. It’s part of “male humor”. After all, what group of guys gathering over an unending train of beer pitchers wants to confess “Nah, my wife’s cool: she tells me exactly what’s on her mind. I am the screw-up because I don’t pay attention to it”?
It just wouldn’t do, would it?
So a little while later, Jeff and I were exchanging emails which originated in a discussion over how to make the perfect martini. Somehow — which I suspect had to do with the consumption of said martinis — our conversation morphed into one about gender-based expectations.
Specifically, I asked him: what do men want?
I mean, if you men are going to claim you want a wife who’s upfront about her expectations, then why the hell don’t you act on what she takes time to tell you?
Likewise, if we women learn that men might actually prefer being told what we want, would we become a bit more emboldened about telling them just what’s on our minds?
So I handed out my first-ever “Blogging Homework Assignment”. I asked Jeff to tell me — and the world — what men want. On his blog. And while he initially came up with a pithy answer: “I wanna beer and I wanna see somethin’ nekkid”, he actually also took time to reply in length.
He did, I admit, open my eyes about a few things besides the fact that men want their women to wear something a bit more revealing than, say, maternity clothes. If Jeff is to be believed, you males also want women to pretty much make life easier on you by doing all of the dirty work.
Think that’s unfair?
Don’t agree?
Then consider this YOUR Blogging Homework Assignment. Write your own entry on “What (Your Gender Here) Want” and link it to this post. Who knows, maybe we’ll create the ultimate Google bomb for the one subject that’s already on everyone’s minds.
Thursday, September 6th, 2007, 6:39 pm | 
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September 6, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Just bring the money home. Wash your hands before you touch anything I’m going to eat. I don’t care if the damn pre-cut lettuce says “triple washed”, wash it before you put it in a salad you expect me to eat. Stuff like that.
September 6, 2007 at 10:56 pm
Just out of curiosity, NK: Are you Muslim?
September 7, 2007 at 6:06 am
I did follow up with a post that said that I most definitely wanted a woman to speak her mind. In fact, I would never call a woman a nag for that. However, there is a fine line between saying what you want, and yammering on and on
September 7, 2007 at 7:14 am
Just out of curiousity, NK: Are you Muslim?
No. Just very fastidious in the kitchen. And after seventeen years of marriage and a daughter to raise very thankful that that’s about as major an argument as my wife and I have these days.
September 7, 2007 at 7:19 am
If I could get trackbacks to work on blogger.com I would. Latest post in my blog is entitled “Men and Women”.
September 7, 2007 at 8:45 am
But wait! There’s more…
http://folloder.wordpress.com/.....t-part-ii/
September 7, 2007 at 8:51 am
I figured out long ago that men’s lives exist around themselves first, then maybe others. Women’s lives exist around everyone else in their lives, and themselves last. This is mostly true, but not in all cases…there are exceptions to every rule.
After five marriages (I have a huge learning curve) I have decided that as much as I love my husband, he is the last man I will ever have in my home. Alone I would have only half of the dirty work, and I already do the yard work, and home repairs. I am finally tired of taking care of everyone else (although with elderly family, and my husband’s illness I will have several more years to go), and would like to take care of JUST ME.
I guess I have been married five times, because I just couldn’t believe that most all men are the same. Their needs first if they can help it.
I truely envy those women who have found those few men who actually pitch in and work together on all the chores that none of us want to do, and women usually end up doing.
So I guess I believe that women want to take care of others, and in return be taken care of…
…..about as possible as world peace, huh?
September 7, 2007 at 8:52 am
The manual trackback is giving me an error.
Here’s the URL:
http://willardwallace.livejour.....tml#cutid1
September 7, 2007 at 9:56 am
Huh…and I had the exact opposite experience. I did the cooking, most of the hard cleaning (dusting, vacuuming, washing the floors, windows, yard work, snow shoveling, etc.). She would complain when I didn’t help her with the laundry or pick up the clutter. I always figured that sharing the workload meant, well, sharing.
To be clear, I sit to pee, so the seat is NEVER left up (and I have taught my two sons to do the same), and there is none of that “buildup” to clean around the toilet. I am a great cook, I can iron, sew, hang curtains, etc. I just have no clue what women want.
September 7, 2007 at 10:06 am
I don’t think that men who are willing to shoulder half or more of the load are unusual at all…I think there are a lot more of us than you might think, Sue.
Forgive me if I sound a bit sexist here – this is honestly my opinion and is completely unvarnished, but it isn’t meant to be prejudicial (even though it’s likely going to come out that way…oh well).
In my admittedly biased opinion, a large part of the dynamic these days between men and women, both in & out of the home is due to what the feminist movement has become within the last forty years. The original goals of feminism are laudable; equality, suffrage, redefining the “traditional” roles in parenting and marriage, and a complete rewrite of the role of women in the workplace. All of these things are good, and I applaud them.
The problem, though, is that feminism has changed a lot in the last forty years. Instead of demanding equality and all of the other things that the womens’ rights movement stood for in the beginning, we now have women insisting that they are better than men, in essence going from “feminism” to “feminine supremacy”, or in other words full circle. The ones that insist the loudest about a ludicrous “Patriarchy” running everything (and lemme tell you, if the “Patriarchy” has actually accomplished all of the things that some feminists claim, then I’d say my dues were well spent. h/t Ace) are the ones intent on setting up a Matriarchy in its place.
The problem, though, is that men see this happening. Women have done an excellent job at redefining their own roles in the world, without making any allowance for men to accomodate that or redefine our own. This has led to some very strange dichotomies between where we feel our roles in the world to be, and where everybody else sees us.
Think about it for a moment. When was the last time you watched any popular evening entertainment where the principal male lead was anything other than a lovable, bumbling loser that is at best tolerated by his ultracapable wife? This kind of stereotype permeates our culture – men have no clue, men never help around the home, men don’t want to do this or that, etc etc ad nauseum.
I don’t know about you, but I find that deeply offensive.
It’s gotten to the point now where this country’s educational system and youth groups have a drastic shortage of men willing to work within those roles, because on some level we’re afraid that a desire to work with children will translate into an accusation of molestation or pederasty. While I’ll admit that there are pedophiles out there, every man who loves children is not a pedophile any more than every man with intact “equipment” is a rapist. There have been numerous articles and studies on this, but I’m writing from work & don’t have time to research it properly. I’m reminded, though, of a story of a man from England who was actually placed in jail for waving to his daughter on the schoolbus after he’d been accused of molesting her by a vindictive and lying ex-wife.
My point is that, for the most part, the world has largely forgotten about the man’s role. Many of us feel that we aren’t allowed or encouraged to express our feelings about it, and knowing that there is no community support for complaints of inadequacy or mistreatment makes it worse.
I think I’ll actually put a blog post up about this at some point this weekend, Kate, because you’ve now got me thinking about it. (I know I haven’t updated in ages, but you would not BELIEVE the summer I’ve had….)
September 7, 2007 at 10:09 am
Steve says “To be clear, I sit to pee”
To be clear, I drink a lot of water. Does sitting really help?
September 7, 2007 at 11:52 am
To Will: Huh?
September 7, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I guess I’m in the small minority. I did ask my husband last night (because he’s never called me a nag, but that doesn’t mean I don’t)… he assured me that I don’t nag.
He does some stuff around the house, I do other stuff. It seems to work out okay. We don’t always agree on everything but on the whole we do manage to compromise without problems.
Either I’m very lucky or we’re both easy going people.
September 7, 2007 at 1:26 pm
See, I’ve had no doubt too many relationships. Most pretty good ones.
But the amount of time I spend saying “But you didn’t SAY that. In fact you SAID the opposite.” and hearing “But you’re supposed to know what that means.”
really defies all logic. I can’t claim it’s a representative sample (as I almost certainly don’t date in a pool that could be called statistically median.) But god DAMN is it getting old.
I have no doubt I do it. I know that in my family my father’s big on that. He thinks he says things he imagines himself saying. It’s gotten to a point where I can see the look on his face when he’s “rehearsing” what he’d like to say before thinking better of it.
September 7, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Oh yeah, another thing: wg++
September 11, 2007 at 10:02 am
I want one thing.
Honesty.
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