American Idol: Four Non-Blondes

by Venomous Kate

Ah, it’s time for the estrogen-laden version of American Idol. Conveniently enough, I’m dealing with my own PMT… which means you’ve got Four Non-Blondes (and all those fake ones) and ME.


I thought so.

(Aside: Did you catch that straight-at-the-camera glance from Simon? He was thinking how Paula Abdul’s boobs don’t look nearly as good as mine.)

Carly Smithson: Amazing voice, but I’ve got used tampons with more charisma than she demonstrates on stageand they haven’t had a $2.2 million recording contract that should’ve been sufficient to buy them a personality.

Syesha Mercado: For the record, Me and Mrs. Jones (mp3) is one of my all-time favorite songs. It’s a song of lust, and it’s a song of shame. As much as I like Syesha — and I remember her auditions — she didn’t capture either emotion.

Brooke White: If I had a dime for every time I’ve sat in a bar and heard some chick try to emote her way through You’re So Vain I just might be able to afford the album that Brooke White deserves to record.

Ramiel Malubay: Ordinarily I like this little woman with the big voice, but listening to her sing this song was like looking at a poster of a Rembrandt: you know it’s good, but you don’t feel how good it really is. The bra-hitch thing at the end was kind of cute, though.

(Aside: Is it me, or is the girls’ show ten times longer than the boys’ was last night?)

Kristy Cook: Wow, those legs. That hair. Those hips. That face. But that voice? Ish.

Amanda Overmyer: Unlike Robbie Carrico, I’ve got no problem believing Amanda’s been ridden hard and put away wet. Twenty-eight years old? My 40-year-old ass looks younger than she does. It’s also had better hairstyles..

Alaina Whitaker: Now that I’ve listened to a nationally-syndicated explanation of her eating disorders, I can honestly say that her singing was as nauseating as her song choice of Hopelessly Devoted.

Alexandrea Lushington: On a fashion note… I’m incapable of understanding any rationale that pairs a down vest with shorts and leather high-heel ankle boots. On a musical note… well, it’s nice that one of us was on one.

Kady Malloy: Wow, she sounded SO much better with my “Mute” button on.

Asia’h Epperson: I love Asiah’s voice as well as her song choice, All By Myself, although I’m more partial to the Gregorian Chant version which she didn’t even come close to surpassing. And, as they say, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades… so I’m going to chalk that performance up as a bomb.

All in all? I had more fun listening to the boys last night… including the two boys who really, let’s face it, ought to count as girls. But, hey, at least I got to look at Simon.

9 Comments to “American Idol: Four Non-Blondes”

  1. Three Davids on the boys side and four girls whose names start with A… Will there be less of each after tonight’s show? Only time will tell.

    Syesha needed a bigger song. She’s so tiny but has such a big voice.

    Amanda reminds me of Cruella DeVille. Especially with her hair swept back and affixed with an entire can of AquaNet…

    kimsch’s last blog post..More Snow

  2. That really was some hair, wasn’t it? I’d be surprised if she sticks around after tonight.

  3. None of the contestants WOW me this year. There is no favorite in my household; normally we all have someone we like but this year they all seem so…interchangeable – with the exception of Cruella. I like Brooke because she is soooo likable and Carly’s voice is one in a million.

    Bryan’s last blog post..Musings on the Spike

  4. She really is likable, isn’t she? Cruella definitely stands out, but after Wednesday night it’s not in the good way.

  5. So two of the “A” girls are gone, Alexandrea and Alaina. It was Kady and Alaina at the end and Kady was ready to be the one let go. She was very surprised to find that she was the safe one. Poor Alaina, she said “I can’t sing” right away. Then the judges were really nice to her and the girls all came and stood with her and she sang her little heart out.

    She’s 17 years old and will go far. She has the time that’s certain.

    kimsch’s last blog post..More Snow

  6. Danny and Amanda are the recommendation on the votefortheworst dot com site.

    rodney dill’s last blog post..Democrats Split, Too

  7. That sounds about right to me.

  8. I have to agree that none of the contestants this year really “wow” me. Much like last year, I’m getting more enjoyment out of watching Simon berate the contestants than I am from the singing.

    Just John’s last blog post..Does Your Job Suck?

  9. Simon’s been the best part of the show for years in my book.