I’m off to a late start watching the American Idol results show due to a live mouse my cat deposited at my feet. Ew.

Before the results are finally announced after Ryan’s purile blather and the inevitable and saccharine retrospectives otherwise known as fluff, I want to get some things on the record:

• Katharine: Singing on the floor still does not differentiate you from all the other diva-wannabes out there, nor do your overly-strained vocals of late. And while I’m at it: please learn the meaning of poise. Your key to winning: Accept that even if you want to be a Whitney or Ella, true talent lies in working with what’s been given to you.
• Elliot: I love Donny Hathaway. I love Ray Charles. I love big-voiced male singers whose vocals resonate with the nuance of their own souls. You’ve got all that and more. Unfortunately, you’re putting pearls before swine. Your key to winning: Nothing. Superficial criteria are going to work against you, and for that I’m deeply sorry. I am, however, looking forward to buying your CD, and I can’t say that for the other two left in the competition.
• Taylor: In all honesty, I’m more excited about the style of music you’re resurrecting than I am about the way you sing what you sing. Having said that, please accept my thanks for ditching so many of your contrived “funky white boy” mannerisms. Now please stop dancing. I mean it. Your key to winning: stay with the long-missed, joy-invoking genre of music for which you are so limitedly suited. But stop dancing. Seriously.

Having said that, I’m predicting that boobage will trump talent and thus leave us with an equally dance-impaired duo: the floor-crawling Katharine versus the wiggly-hipped Taylor. Sorry, Elliot.

UPDATE: Taylor’s first song was, as expected, quite good. But Katharine? Well, aside from taking her shoes off — which I assume was shorthand for letting us know she was just being her self — all I can say is damn! Why hasn’t she been singing like this all season long? Not that I’m changing my mind about her, mind you. I want an American Idol from whom I know what to expect and the very fact that she’s surprising me at this point speaks volumes.

FINAL UPDATE: I hate it when I’m write. Thank you, Elliot. Now go cut that CD!