Insomnia Strikes

by Venomous Kate

The iPod didn’t arrive today. VH is coming down with a cold. That means the snoring is un-freaking-believable, and I feel too sorry for him to bop him on the head until he stops making noise. So, deprived of my ability to read in bed for 2 hours with absolute peace and quiet, I find I can’t sleep.

In the interest of marital harmony — and staying out of prison — I mosied downstairs to the sofa thinking I’d nod off there. VH has done it before, after all, so why not return the favor? Ten minutes later I remembered why: our sofa cushions are feather-stuffed, and I’m allergic to feathers. Usually it doesn’t bother me – I seldom spend much time on the thing – but it certainly rules out any chance of falling asleep on it.

So here it is, 1:37 a.m. and I’m on the deck where, surprisingly, I’m not sneezing. Oh, I’m a bit chilled, and I’m wishing I’d remembered to put down some plastic before sitting on the chair, considering the downpour of rain we had earlier. But at least I can’t hear the snoring out here provided the breeze keeps blowing the right direction.

Dear God, that man can snore!

All of which is to say that I’m awake well past my bedtime and that, my friends, means I’m grumpier than usual. Scary, isn’t it?

These are the times I find myself thinking “Big Empty Thoughts”™, like:

  • Why do guys get so freaked out when asked to pick up tampons at the store? Do they really believe the clerk actually thinks they are going to use them?
  • I had grapes earlier today. My son gave me a piece of “grape-flavored” bubblegum. Who the hell came up with the idea these two things taste remotely alike?
  • Why do so many people throughout the world want the Levi jeans, iPods, WiFi, MTV and freedoms that Americans have, then vow to kill us?
  • How is it that, as soon as I turned 35, every part of my body began to grow bigger and bigger… except my bladder?
  • If Oedipus’ father knew what was coming, would he have blamed his wife or himself?
  • I still have no answer to this one.
  • If Jesus were among us today, would he be Catholic or Protestant… and if the latter, which flavor? Would everyone of a different sect was going to hell?
  • Would Jesus use a Mac or a PC… and if the latter, would His system need virus protection?
  • Where is Melinda Doolittle’s neck?!?
  • While I’m on the subject of Melinda Doolittle — talented as she is — can I just say that I’m not buying the humble, blink-blink, grin shyly act anymore?
  • Oh, yeah, and how is it that someone who sang back-up for Michael McDonald, Anointed, Mandisa, Aaron Neville, Jonny Lang, Vanessa Bell Armstrong, Alabama (band) and CeCe Winans really be considered “undiscovered talent,” much less an “amateur”?
  • I believe my male kitten, Pippin, is in love with me. Does that make me delusional… or him?
  • The rumors of trackbacks’ demise is greatly exaggerated. Trackbacks aren’t dead. Bloggers are just merely more egotistical and ignorant. The purpose of a trackback is to let you know that someone else is discussing something you’ve written — for the purpose of carrying on the Great Conversation. Bloggers now care more about being submitted to Digg or Del.icio.us, and don’t frankly give a damn what others are saying so long as they get recognition.
  • Who the hell came up with that “counting sheep” idea for curing insomnia? I’m thinking a shepherd… who probably didn’t last long at his job.
  • Do members of PETA consider “counting sheep” wrong because it essentially objectifies the animal?
  • At some point, my second toe on my left foot grew longer than my big toe. That freaks me out. I can’t stop staring at it.
  • I’ve yet to read a 1,000+ page novel that didn’t suck for the final 300 pages.
  • Speaking of novels… if I bore myself while in the middle of writing one, doesn’t that mean I should stop?
  • How many other people have figured out that Tylenol P.M. is really just Tylenol and Benadryl?
  • Anyone else remember McDonald’s short-lived “I’d hit it” ad campaign? I still get grossed out thinking about Quarter Pounders now.
  • I think that girl on the Hardee’s Chili Burger commercial actually gets cuter when she asks her boyfriend to pull her finger.
  • I don’t look good in black anymore. Does this mean my favorite turquoise blouse is now my new black?
  • Leopard print can be terribly sexy or terribly trashy. Does that defy the Objectivists’ tenet about A and non-A?
  • And, finally, isn’t a double-standard best remedied by one side deciding they don’t care that a double-standard exists?

Discuss.

9 Comments to “Insomnia Strikes”

  1. you are fun when you can’t sleep!

  2. Stay up and write! A new motto for you. The list is great.

    I’ve said the same thing about Melinda – what rule trick allows her to be an amateur? And I love your PETA question!

  3. I knew about the Tylenol PM – and their “Simply Sleep” is just Benadryl, so instead of spending $5 on 24 pills, you can buy Walgreens brand Wal-Dryl at 200 for $5!

  4. All of the grogginess at a fraction of the price… without liver damage!

    Hm. Doesn’t make for a very snappy ad campaign, does it?

  5. naw. I didn’t sleep well last night either. I couldn’t get to sleep at first, then when I finally did, I kept waking up. Six pounds of petite 10 year old cat pinning me in one position didn’t help either…

  6. I HAD TO write a sponsored post about white-noise machines last week. You might want to look into the idea.

    I have the odd bout of insomnia and I might consider buying one — you can get birds or surf or rain, you know the dealizz, they’ve been around for awhile.

    But you are uber creative whilst unable to sleep. Fun for the rest of us to read.

  7. Ah, well, thank you.

    I’ve got one of those white noise machines. Unfortunately, short of turning up to 11, I can still hear VH over it.

    The iPod worked wonders, though. I didn’t hook it up to my sleep-mask last night because I was too lazy to look for my firewire. Unfortunately, since the earbuds are too big for my ears, I wound up turning the thing off around 4 this morning. But by then I’d had 6 hours of quality sleep.

    And I didn’t even have to go to a Holiday Inn Express!

  8. I have a problem with earbuds being too big too. Do they make kid sized ones?

  9. I’m sure they do. A lot of the “in-ear” buds also come with 3 different-sized caps: S, M and L. Which is nice, too, since my right ear seems to be a bit smaller than my left.