Poor Shank. He just can’t understand why his wife needs 11 pairs of flip-flops, not to mention a full suitcase (or two) for an island honeymoon. Let me assure you, Shank, it’s a Girl Thang. But unlike so many of those other Girl Thangs, the laws of the Sisterhood neither prevent me from explaining it to you nor require me to kill you after having spent the time explaining.

So, pay attention:

1. Weather dictates fashion. If it’s foggy in the morning but sunny in the afternoon we’ll need two — count ‘em, TWO — outfits and that, of course, means we’ll also need two separate pairs of shoes. (No, we can’t just throw a sweater over our sunny-weather outfit until the fog clears because our earrings, makeup and hairstyle might not go with the sweater.)

2. Regardless of what the weather is doing, our clothing choices are also determined by where you say you’ll be taking us. Note that I used the word “say”, which indicates that we know full well you said you were taking us out to lunch but we plan on doing a bit of window-shopping first. And window-shopping means we might want to pop in the store and try something on. And that means we have to wear something we can easily change in- and out of… along with the appropriate accessories.

3. Assuming that neither the weather nor our plans are going to change, we still have to dress to impress other women. (Face it, if we dressed to impress men we need only throw on some cleavage-baring top, an ass-hugging miniskirt and a pair of dangerously high stilettos… sans panties.) The problem is, we never know in advance what those other women are going to be wearing since they, too, follow Rules #1 and #2. Ergo, we need at least four other outfits: something dressy, something casual, something casually dressy and something dressily casual. And corresponding shoes, earrings, belts, necklaces, bracelets, wraps, undergarments and a purse, handbag or clutch.

Now, you may be thinking “Ok, that covers just about every contingency.” Silly, silly man. You’ve forgotten the One Thing that can change All Girl Thangs.

4. Even if we follow Rules 1 through 3, That Time Of The Month changes everything. Everything. That pair of hip-hugger jeans with the cute, clingy top we’d planned to pair with a pair of platform shoes and a hobo bag just won’t work when we’re carrying 10 lbs. of water weight and lugging around a pair of swollen, aching boobs. But since wearing a potato sack isn’t an option, we also have to pack another pair of pants one size larger than usual and a slimming yet comfortably fashionable top (read: one without a waistband), along with the appropriate shoes, earrings, jewelry, wrap, undergarments and yet another purse (one which doesn’t draw attention to our bloated waistlines).

5. Of course, once we’ve packed all of the various outfits that can satisfy Rules 1 through 4 we also need comfortable clothes. You know the ones I’m talking about: the clothes we wear around the house when we are absolutely, 100% certain that nobody — NOBODY — is going to see us except, perhaps, you. Because we like those clothes. They’re comfy. We just don’t get to wear them… at least, not until we’ve tried on each and every thing in our closets in accordance with the previous four rules and screamed, at least once, “I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR!” In other words, these are the clothes we wear to polish off whatever Hagen-Daaz is left in the freezer.

It’s a Girl Thang. Trust me.

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006, 4:05 pm   |   Blog bites  |  RSS feed Comments and pings are currently closed.