Tonight, I am taking my revenge on spammers. I may even make money in the process. Maybe you will, too. If nothing else, though, at least we’ll have fun.

You see, I received no less than 119 “spam” messages in a 3-hour period this morning. Holy crap! Since I didn’t have time to read and respond to each one in addition to keeping up with my other, legitimate email, I only gave them a cursory look before relegating them to the trash bin and emptying it. In retrospect, maybe I should’ve read them.

From what I saw, if I had read the spam I’d have bigger breasts within days, own “lost” Salvador Dali paintings or even Iraqi art for next-to-nothing and get a bigger penis, too. (I haven’t consulted with Hubby to see if he’d mind, because I have a feeling I know his answer.)

Plus, I could repair my credit with one simple step. I’m not sure why I’d bother since I can also get unlimited lines of credit as well as 0% financing on cars, homes and boats. That’s important for someone who could become an international business person by entering a hugely profitable deal with the son of a Nigerian official (hope he doesn’t mind that a Nigerian banker sent me a similar proposal) and is being offered to help a man in Afghanistan get money out of the country for a generous cut of the proceeds.

I would also be able to get vitamins and birth control for pennies, earn thousands of dollars sitting at home, and lose 40+ pounds without effort (making me a 75-lb. weakling, which is ok since one of the emails said I could get the “toned, trim, ripped figure” I’ve always dreamed of having just by eating a certain combination of foods listed on their inexpensive brochure). Looking like that would certainly make it tempting to get in touch with those “Hot, Lusty Latvian Women” waiting to hear from me (Me? Really?) and I just know that those “Lonely Asian Ladies” looking to marry an American would love to pal around with someone looking as hot as they did in the pictures they kindly sent me.

Ok, so I didn’t just “skim” those spams after all. I tried to. I really did. But for some reason my internet connection was sluggish so when I’d hit the “delete” button the message still stared at me for another 10-15 seconds before finding its way to the trash. Let’s do that math: 10 seconds a piece times 119 spam messages, why that’s…

Wait, I’ve run out of fingers and toes. Fuck it. I’ve never been good with numbers. But I do know that’s roughly 20 minutes of my life gone. ::POOF!:: Never to be replaced.

My time: my life: my property. It’s downright theft.

So I’ve figured out a plan to deal with the spammers.

How, you ask?

Why, Venomously, dear.

• Find ‘em. Hunt them down.
• Report them.
• Then bill ‘em, and bill them again.

As Stanford law professor Lawrence Lessig pointed out a while back:

The one thing we know about the vast majority of spammers is that they are in business to make money. And the only way to get money from the sap who received the spam is to provide a simple way for the sap to link back to the spammer. If there’s a way to buy something from the spammer, there’s a way to charge the spammer if you catch him.

Are you paying attention Mr. Nigerian Banker? Ms. Li Hong So of the sloe-eyed come-hither stare? Mr. Bigger-Penis-Advertiser? (Whose name I didn’t catch, but who ought to know that the last thing I need in my life is a bigger dick.)

That’s right: your bill is in the email, and it’s going to the correct IP address. And you know what? It just so happens that I’m capable of hitting the freaking “Send” button 3 times in one second and I have 20 minutes to spare.

Let’s see… 3 times per second, at 60 seconds per minute for 20 minutes…

Damn. Not enough fingers and toes again.