I’ve got a migraine — in addition the the previously blitched-about cramps — so I nearly didn’t watch this week’s Idol. I already know my favorites are Lakisha and Melinda, so I figured even if I missed this week I wouldn’t be missing much. But given the choice between handling The Big-Eyed Boy’s bath, book and bedtime routine or vegging in front of the TV with a cup of hot tea, a heating pad and the remote, well, the TV won out. (Thanks, VH.)

Turns out, with the exception of those two ladies’ performances, I was right: there were six largely unmemorable performances, and two that may have been the best migraine medicine I’ve ever had!

Jordan: She’s got the voice, for the most part, to cover a Pat Benatar tune. Yet, since I’m old enough to recall “Heartbreaker” when it first came out, watching a 17-year-old sing it now seems somehow odd. Would like to hear her sing: K.T. Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See.”

Sabrina: Again, showing my age, I confess I don’t recognize her song but — not to sound too much like Paula — she looked lovely!* Unfortunately, she over-sang the song which caused some serious pitchy problems… in between the screeching. Not a good performance. Would like to hear her sing: Oleta Adams’s “Get Here.”

Antonella: Bad song, bad performance, bad outfit. After pointing out that she’s gone as far in the competition as she can, Simon then garnered her the pity vote by saying he felt bad for her given all the grief she’s received over those nude photos. (Side note: If I was Frenchie Davis, who was booted off the show for similar photos in Season Two, I’d be talking to lawyers right about now.) At any rate, I can’t think of a single song I want to hear her destroy sing.

Haley: Another song I don’t recognize. Another performance I’d completely forgotten by the end of the commercials. To indulge in another Paula moment, she looked beautiful. Back to channeling my inner Simon (with a little Randy thrown in): she’s got the yawn factor. Would like to hear her sing: Lone Justice’s “Ways to Be Wicked.” (Yes, it’s an old song, but it’s got the personality that Haley just hasn’t demonstrated thus far.)

Stephanie: I’ve tried very hard to like this lady. She has such a strong voice and is obviously comfortable on stage. And yet last week’s Beyonce song was so disrhythmic as to be nearly unlistenable for me. This week the song was rhythmic but her pitch was off more than a few times, while at others she was darned near screaming. Would like to hear her sing: Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama.”

Lakisha: Considering the phenomenal talent and range Lakisha has, it seems strange to consider her choice of a Whitney Houston song as being a “safe” one. There were a few wobbly notes in there, but otherwise Lakisha demonstrated her power, phrasing and presence. Would like to hear her sing: Deborah Cox, “Who Do You Love?”

Gina: She finally went back to her punk-tinge roots, complete with fishnet fingerless glove and tongue-piercing. While there were some definitely pitchy moments, it was an energetic, fun performance that reminded me (and apparently the judges, too) why I liked her during auditions. Would like to hear her sing: Lita Ford’s “Kiss me Deadly” (outdated though it may be).

Melinda: Now THIS is why I watch American Idol, even on nights when I’ve got a migraine and cramps. Last week she made me cry with “My Funny Valentine.” This week her version of “I’m a W-O-M-A-N” had me pumping my fist, strutting around my family room and shakin’ my groove thang. You. Rock. Girl! If she doesn’t make it into the Top 2 it’s the fault of fans who figure that everyone else is calling so they don’t need to. (Me? I got my 30 votes in for the night.) Would like to hear her sing: Aretha Franklin’s “House that Jack Built.”

*(Or, as the blogger formerly known as ZombieBoy said: “hubba, hubba.”)

UPDATE: I’m pretty much in agreement with Dean: send the men home. They just don’t stack up to the ladies this season.

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It’s the men’s turn, and while they’re all looking rather good, my ears aren’t going to miss a few of them.

Now, before I get into blitching about the performances, let me first blitch about this homophobic thing between Ryan and Simon. It was funny, say, four seasons ago. But the longer Ryan’s been MC’ing the show — or whatever it is that he does — the more hostile and arrogant he’s become. (And, to be honest, I really don’t think of Ryan as being either a hostile or arrogant guy… unless he’s dealing with Simon.)

But what was funny four seasons ago is now, well, distracting. Ok, maybe I just haven’t forgiven Ryan for interrupting Quincy Jones two weeks ago. Let me repeat that: Ryan-My-Hair-Looks-Good-Seacrest interrupted Quincy-Freaking-Jones. The gall.

Also, has anyone else noticed that Ryan’s post-song banter is turning into the two-second interview equivalent of the kiss of death? Ask Nick, AJ, Alaina and Leslie.

Ok. Enough blitching. On to the show!

Blake: Once again, the Beat Box Boy surprised me. Like Randy, I don’t recognize the song. But — to borrow a phrase from a music show that reveals my age — it had a nice beat, I liked the melody, so I’ll give it a 100. And, as so often happens, I agree with Simon: Blake will be here next week. Want to hear him sing: Something from Sting’s world-music phase.

Sanjaya: I love John Mayer. I don’t like Sanjaya. I don’t even like his hair. And I definitely do not like what he did to John Mayer’s song. (The fact that even Paula had to struggle not to be rude says it all.) Please, America, kick this boy back to the karaoke bars he’s not old enough to get into. Want to hear him sing: Nothing. But if I must, then it ought to be James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful.”

Sundance: Ok, it’s not like Pearl Jam’s noted for singing on key, but if you’re going to do one of their tunes at least try to hit the same note Eddie sang. Unfortunately, Sundance dropped more notes than I can count. And I can count high. Nevertheless, he seemed to have committed himself more than last week, and was far more current. Still want to hear him sing: Blues Traveler!!!

Chris R.: Aw, dang. Just as I was ready to get dizzy watching him bounce across the screen he decided to go all soft and mushy, with the obligatory bar stool in the beginning. Whatever he was singing, I didn’t like it. That said, I liked his singing better this week than weeks past. Want to hear him sing: “Amazed” by Lonestar.

Jared: Man, this guy’s eyebrows bother me. As for the song… it’s a good one. Unfortunately, I’ve heard better versions of it at High Noon… without having to look at those eyebrows. Pitchy on the down notes, pitchy on his last two trills. Pitchy, pitchy, pitchy. Still want to hear him sing: Al Green’s “Tired of Being Alone.”

Brandon: Nice to hear Brandon doing something fun, and something that really should be in his range. But then he went and shoulded all over himself: too many bad notes, and he dropped the “money note.” By the end, even he looked overwhelmed by the song. Want to hear him sing: Eagle-Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight.”

Phil: LeeAnn Rhimes? LeeAnn. Rhimes. LeeAnnRhimes. Ok, I think I’ve got that out of my system. Wait, no I didn’t. LeeAnnWhatWasHeThinkingRhimes. You know, if you watch the last two seconds of a singer and see a look on his face that Phil just shot the camera at the end of this tune, well, you don’t feel nearly so bad when you think they suck because, clearly, he knew he did. Want to hear him sing: Jefferson Starship’s Jane.

Chris Sligh: You know what? This guy’s everything I could want in an American Idol — he’s got such a fantastic dry humor, such a great range, such an energy on stage and he’s NORMAL looking! Sligh committed himself to the song (whatever it was) but, as Simon said, it wasn’t a “hooky” song. While that may sound trite, when translated it means people are going to have a hard time talking about it the rest of the week because so few folks know what the hell the song is. My ears are still happy, though. Want to hear him sing: Marc Broussard’s “Home.”

Dear Leslie,

Caught your “farewell” performance on American Idol tonight, just as I caught your whole performance last night. Listen, that mouthing off thing during what will most likely be your very final time on national TV? It was juvenile. You had a chance to be memorable — you certainly began singing your farewell song infinitely better tonight than last night — but now? I’ll remember you as a mouthy, immature twit.

Oh, and as for your comment — you know, the one you interrupted your song to spew? — that “America’s not ready for scat”? Do the names Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Scatman Crothers, Anita O’Day and Sarah Vaughan ring a bell? America’s fine with scat. Americans don’t like bad scat.

Buh-bye.

I’m too busy to watch the results show; however, if Antonella makes it through I’m going to blame it on tone-deaf men.

Well, I’d love to give you my song-by-song breakdown of last night’s Idol performance, but thanks to some severe weather in our area — including tornadoes which fortunately didn’t reach us — most of the episode was garbled.

I didn’t get to hear any of Alaina’s song, but since I heard she was going to do the Dixie Chicks, I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. Lucky me: I got to hear most of Lakisha’s song and all of Melinda Doolittle’s “My Funny Valentine.” Frankly, after listening to both of those ladies sing, I don’t think I needed to have spent the time listening to the others. You can’t beat perfection, know what I mean?

The men sang on American Idol tonight and, with the exception of Sanjaya, their performances were well worth tuning in for. In fact, I almost wish I had tuned in, but I was out having a wonderful time with the Devine Miss Beth and her Man Above Men husband, John. Thanks to the miracle of TiVo, the only thing I missed out on was my chance to vote. That might be a good thing, too, because I’m quite torn when it comes to choosing a favorite.

First off, let me just say that I despise the “dedication” thing the producers went for this week. They’re juvenile. Trite. I don’t give a crap who a singer’s thinking about when they pick a song, much less when they sing it. Ideally, I want to get lost in the fantasy that the singer’s merely a vicarious conduit for my thoughts, my feelings. As a listener, I want to own the emotions behind the song, and when listening to it I want to be free to attach my own dedication to it.

While I’m blitching about it, I also want to blitch over AI now demanding 5 hours per week out of my life. It’s too much. I’ve got a life, particularly during “prime time” evening hours, and I’m not going to spend it in front of a TV three nights in a row. Ergo, I TiVo it and, ergo, I listen to it for the sake of listening to it. I’ve got no dog in the hunt. By the time I get around to watching it, the phone lines are closed, so I won’t get truly into picking a favorite until we’re down to the top 10.

All in all, I have to admit the guys were FAR better this week than last. Perhaps the girls’ magnificent performances last week reminded them that this truly is a competition. After all, once the Top 10 are chosen, gender becomes irrelevant. It’s all about bringing it to the stage at that point, and they’ll need to have developed a solid fan base.

That said, it’s time to analyze the singers and their songs:

Phil - I confess, I’ve got a soft spot for 80s pop. In particular, the Baby’s still melt my heart and by implication that includes John Waite. Add in a service man dedicating his song to his wife and a blue-eyed baby-faced man confident enough in his own masculinity to shave his head and, well, what’s not to like? It was flawless pop. The kind I want to hear on my radio. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, but I’m not complaining. Would love to hear him sing: Bohemian Rhapsody.

Jared - Marvin Gaye redux. Sexy moves. Sultry voice. That face thing. Ooooh, baby. Loved it. And yet, as with Phil, it sounded so flawless that he sounded like someone I should’ve already heard. Which means there was nothing new, and that’s what I’m hoping for. Would love to hear him sing: Al Green.

A.J. - Is it just me or does he seem to other folks like that 20-something restaurant waiter waiting to make it big in musical theater? I can envision him on stage in a Broadway production (definitely not in the “leading man” kinda role). But a recording artist with the ability to cut gold records? No. Unless he’s doing Barbra Streisand songs. Know what I mean? Would love to hear him sing: Anything masculine.

Sanjaya - Hate him. Don’t know why but I hate him, hate everything about him, hate when he’s on the screen and I hate how he sings. He’s got too much of a Michael Jackson thing going, and I don’t mean that in the talent department. Someone needs to cut his hair and give him a shot of testosterone, then let’s hear him sing. Would love to hear him sing: Nothing.

Chris - Loved him since his audition. Loved that he picked one of my favorite songs to sing tonight. Love that he did it justice. Love him, love him, love him. Would love to hear him sing: Anything.

Nick - Guy’s got a Robert Downey Jr. look to him. Got vocals. Got looks. But, frankly, half the time I’m listening to him I’m wondering whether he plucks his own eyebrows. Because there’s definitely some pluckage going on there. And if I’m busy thinking that while he sings, well, I guess that means he’s already fallen into the “muzak” category: pleasant, but not captivating. Would love to hear him sing: Sinatra.

Blake - I’m a little too old to appreciate the whole Beat Box thing, but I do like a good crooner with excellent stage presence. He’s got it. Excellent vocal control, and he looks so comfortable on stage. The versatility he demonstrated in just one song — “vocal entendre”, as he termed it — was impressive and quite refreshing. I definitely want to hear more from him… without the beat box thing. Would love to hear him sing: Matchbox 20.

Brandon - Cindy Lauper? Didn’t he take a lesson from that chick who tried singing the exact same song a couple of seasons ago, the one who’d been considered a front runner until that night? What was her name? Oh, wait: that was my point. Would love to hear him sing: Ray Charles.

The Other Chris - a/k/a the Justin Timberlake clone. This early in the season, if I’m already thinking a contestant is indistinguishable from an already-established recording artist, why would I look forward to listening to him when I can just pop Justin’s CD in my stereo now? Would love to hear him sing: Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian.”

Sundance - Guy’s got some nice pipes. Regardless of what Randy and Paula say, I wasn’t impressed. Listening to him tonight I felt like I was in a karaoke bar… without a drink. Would love to hear him sing: Blues Traveler.

Speaking of which, that’s what I hope to be doing Thursday night — karaoke, I mean. With luck I’ll talk Beth into joining me. No, I’ll never be on American Idol, but that’s probably a good thing. Simon’s snark ain’t no match for Venom.

At last, the night we’ve all suffered for. I’ll be live blogging this as long as I can, so keep refreshing your screen to see the latest snark.

So… who was that blond woman at the beginning of the show? Who??? Oh, her… last year’s Katharine McPhee.

Randy’s montage was hilarious. “Yo” and “We’ve got a hot one here!” Don’t know why I hadn’t turned them into macros earlier.

Paula’s montage… a series of weepy, nose-dripping temper tantrums. However, I think I’ve finally figured out Paula’s judging criteria: she really does believe that “If you wish upon a star/ makes no matter who you are…” even if you’re a washed up, lude-swilling has-been.

Simon’s montage… Well, hell, I’d give him a 10, too. Then again, I have a bit of a soft spot for a guy who calls it like it is. Wonder why.

(Break time for me. Back in a few.)

7:08 - Paris is back! Well, maybe just for tonight, but at least the Blogger Formerly Known As ZombyBoy ought to be happy. And with Al Jareau? How awesome! Unfortunately, as spot on as Paris’ vocals are, I’m again reminded of why I lost interest: it just does not seem right for a girl not even old enough to vote to be singing Big Great Old Songs.

07:15 - Chris is back, too. With the band “Live.” Although, with two goodlooking bald guys on the screen it’s hard to tell who’s who. Not that it matters — they both are platinum in my book. (And, yes, I do still feel bitter that Chris is gone, why do you ask?)

07:17 - Aw, and there’s Kelly… and her hair. Simple answer to everyone wondering why she’s sporting the Soccer Mom look now: American Idol’s stylists suck! Her hair got fried halfway through her run on AI. However, I honestly can’t explain the glasses. Nor can I explain why a girl who probably ate chitlins without blinking would cringe over snails.

07:21 - Meatloaf and McPhee. Oh. The. Jokes. Let me just say that Meatloaf is looking good, despite his pitch problems. Ditto for Kat.

07:28 - Ryan’s trying to earn his paycheck now. Cue the “heavy thoughts” music. Cue the deep voice. Cue the pathetic SNL-type sketch. Cue the martini shaker. It’s time for “The Golden Idol” awards… which are, apparently, subtitled “Share Our Pain” because they’re bringing back the best of the worst (or worst of the best?) from the auditions. Yep, even the orange-glo girl who snorts when she laughs. I thought I’d just hallucinated all those people but, evidently, I was wrong. So wrong.

And… Oh. GOD! They brought back “Crazy Dave” Hoover. Bare feet and all. Of course this only makes me wonder: has AI become more about the freak show aspect than about really finding the nation’s best undiscovered singer? Only time (and a Katharine McPhee victory) can confirm my suspicions.

07:39 - We’re back, and we’re with Puck and Pickler. (Wolfgang Puck, that is.) Now, I’d love to be able to poke fun at Kelly’s fear over lobster but… well, look… I love the things, but I don’t want to see them crawlling on my table, either.

07:41 - Back with the AI guys, including Ace, Bucky and Chicken Little this time. Yep, it’s the Scrotal Singalong. Hey, who am I to complain… Ace is back on my screen! So is Elliot! And then there was Bucky. Well, that’s a nice way to cool a girl down. And if that didn’t do it, then hearing the guys sing that Fleetwood Mac tune which formerly served as the Clinton’s theme song did it. Yep, put an image of Hillary into my head and my heart rate’s back to normal.

07:52 — Elliot’s on with one of my very favorite U2 songs. Can it be true? Is Bono going to show up? No, it’s Mary J. Blige… almost as good. Oh, my ears are in heaven. Really. I. Love. Mary J Blige.

08:00 — Some blond country singer’s on my screen. Oh yeah, that’s right, it’s her. (And a brunette behind her who’s doing most of the on-key singing.) How ironic is it that her song is something about Don’t Forget to Remember Me? Now, who is she? Nevermind. Don’t care. I needed to pee anyway. Back in a few.

08:05 — After a fun little moment with Rhonetta (which would be funny if there weren’t so many others who could more rightfully use that phrase), we’re back with Taylor. And Toni Braxton. Looking as good as any woman could ever hope to look. Singing In The Ghetto. Now, is it just me or does anyone else remember, say, 10 (?) years back when a Southern White Boy and a Female of Color singing that song together would’ve been, well, scandalous? My, how times have changed.

08:11 — Clearly, wishing upon a star, crossing your fingers and blowing dandelions don’t grant wishes because Katharine McPhee is back on my screen and singing. Off key. Again. Thank goodness she’s got some more female talent to, well, show her what talent is. For some reason they’re all singing too low and out of their strong range. However, only one of them might be a winner tonight and the fact that Kat is there with the rest of the women outshining her ought to point out, once again, how wrong it is that she’s still there. Hm. Lisa’s sounding better than I remember, and I wish Mandisa got more air time. For all of us chubby girls out there — with killer voices — I wish she’d got more play.

08:19 — My personal coolest moment in TV History: When geeky whats-his-name got to sing with his idol, Clay. I don’t care what you think about him, or about Clay. It’s amazing when a person’s dreams come true. It’s amazing.

08:45 — The “Brokenote Boys” are back and, although I love seeing them, I can’t help but feel like Garret’s fullest moment in life is already behind him. That he’s going to be that mostly drunk (but is he really) guy at the local dive bar who’ll be in his late 40’s trying to pick up on 20-something girls based on the one 15-second span in time when everyone knew him as the man he hoped he’d one day be.

08:49 — So, we’re down to The Moment. AND PRINCE! Ok, look, I adore Prince. For reasons that are none of your business. However, having said that… well, fuck this live blogging. I’m watching PRINCE! LIVE!

08:58:31 — By some quirk of fate, I (and the three martinis I’ve had since the Pre-Show started) decided to hit “pause” right at the very second after Ryan announced the results. My TV is paused on the winner’s face. I have seen, well and truly, what it looks like to have every dream you’ve ever dreamed come true, to have every wish granted, to have Christmas and birthdays and daydreams wrapped up all in one. And, irrespective of who actually won, that is why I watch American Idol: to see the true face of unmitigated joy.

(more…)

After four long months — and a new replacement for my TV remote control thanks to a little “accident” on the night Chris Daughtry left the show — it’s finally the Big Night. If my internet connection’s willing, I’ll live blog this… but no promises.

07:03 - Off to a big start. My, but Ryan’s head looks extra large against a black background. Talk about a person who’d make a good bobble-head doll. But, oh, the drama when they turn the theatre lights up and we see Ryan surrounded by a wall of humanity. Wait, was that Ben Stiller hiding behind a woman in a hajib?

07:10 - Hey, Chris Daughtry is back! No, wait, he’s just in the audience. Man, that has to chap his hide.

07:11 - Katharine’s singing first. Ugh, it’s a re-run: “Black Horse in a Cherry Tree.” Well at least this time she’s not sitting on the floor. Oh wait, there she goes. Nope, she’s up again… and dancing. Lord, please make her sit down.

07:13 - Randy: “Yo, yo. It wasn’t all that super, but it was better than the last time you did it.” Paula: “Aw, man. America loves you. I love you.” (Someone really needs to find out what Paula’s got in her glass there.) Simon: “I’ll give it a good with a small g.” (Well, at least he’s a good speller.)

07:15 - Taylor takes the stage in the most god-awful fuschia velvet blazer I’ve ever seen. Hugh Hefner might want to check his closets for missing items. The song, “Living in the City,” might actually be bigger than Taylor’s voice. There’s a few rough notes in the beginning, and midway through the song the background singers actually sound off-key. Or maybe Taylor’s throwing them off. Hard to hear above that jacket.

07:17 - Randy: “Yo, yo. Yoyo ma.” (Wait, is he talking about the cellist?) Paula: “You and I match tonight.” (Yeah, your lack of brains and his lack of taste in clothes.) Simon: “Great way to start the show. But obviously the worst jacket I’ve ever seen in my life.” And if you thought we’d all be spared the bit about “Soul Patrol,” you’re wrong. But I doubt they heard him over that jacket, either.

07:22 - Katharine’s turn again. Again with a repeat performance: “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Is it just me, or is tonight’s show feeling like a K-tel record of Katharine McPhee’s Greatest Hits. (If you’re reading this in a month and find yourself wondering, “Who?” that was kind of the point.) Yes, she’s back on the floor again folks, because she wants you to feel like it’s just you and her and those other 15,000 people in the theatre whose hands keep waving in front of the cameras. Unfortunately, I can’t help but feeling she’d look more appropriate on top of a grand piano in a cabaret bar. But maybe that’s just me.

07:25 - Just noticed that Katharine seems to be wearing her mother’s entire jewelry box. Goodness, there are - what? - a dozen necklaces there? Randy: “Well, I thought it was anti-climactic that you were doing the same song but you worked it out.” Paula: “Aw, look, your Daddy’s crying.” Simon: “You got slaughtered on Round One. Now you come back with your best performance of the competition thus far.”

07:27 - Katharine says she’s surprised that she started on the right key since her ear monitor wasn’t working. Um, excuse me, but I thought singers are supposed to know the right key.

07:31 - Taylor’s up for Round 2 with a reprisal of “Levon,” the song that made Simon change his mind about Taylor’s longevity in the competition. I like it when Taylor sings ballads — he gets that whole George Clooney brooding thing going with his eyebrows and that thick Alabama pours out like honey. He didn’t take it as big at the end of the song as I’d expected, but a nice job.

07:34 - Randy: “Nice song. To be honest - ‘cuz I gotta keep it real, it’s gotta stay real, I’m all about real — it was a little pitchy.” Paula: “Well, pitchy may be the essence of Taylor.” (Does she freaking listen to what she says?) Simon: “Paula, that doesn’t make sense.” (Thank you, Simon.) It’s anyone’s game right now, but personally I give Taylor extra points for having ditched that horrid jacket.

07:40 - Katharine’s back for Round 3 to sing what will be her first single, “My Destiny.” No self-indulgence tonight. [/irony] I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m watching a little girl who borrowed her mommy’s clothes and makeup, and that little half-wave she began the song with didn’t help at all. Ew, I see she didn’t take my advice on wearing a girdle, either. Perhaps next season American Idol will spring for full-length mirrors in the dressing rooms. And… OH MY GOD. What the hell was that note that just assaulted my ear? Oh no, there it goes again! And again! Please make it STOP!!!!!

07:44 - With my ears still recovering from being violated by that series of bad notes, I can’t hear a damn thing the judges are saying so I’m going to guess it goes something like this: Randy: “Yo, yo. Keeping it real. Hate the song.” Paula: “I love you, man! I love you! I’m your biggest fan! I love you!” (Really, is she on crack? I wouldn’t be surprised.) Simon: “You’re going to need all the votes you can get from your two earlier songs because that song sure won’t bring them in.”

07:51 - Taylor’s back for his third and final song, “Do I Make You Proud?” Another nice, slow ballad replete with many George Clooney eyebrow moves. Unfortunately, the song is so soft in the beginning that I half-worried I’d fall asleep. I just might have, too, had it not been a perfect Tayloresque song: crescendo through the middle capping off with a big, bluesy end. Even if I had fallen asleep, Taylor screaming Soul Patrol oh, a half-dozen times or so, would’ve woken me up.

07:54 - Randy: “Much better song than Katharine’s.” Paula: “Great song!” Simon: “Assuming I was right and the show was tied, then you just won American Idol.” That, of course, set off Randy and Paula — because they like pointing out that they wanted Taylor on the show back during the auditions whereas Simon hadn’t. Wonder if they’re going to take credit for moving Taylor’s lips for him, too?

As for me, I’m going with Taylor. A short jaunt around the blogosphere says I’m not the only one who feels that way. He’s been consistently good, has shown a great range and has side-stepped the floundering that marked much of Katharine’s performances throughout this season. Besides, I’d rather look at that hideous purple jacket for days on end than have to live through another one of Katharine’s fakey little girl acts.

UPDATE: Randy at ETC is just about as turned off as I am by Katharine’s behavior of late and the discussion at Wizbang! is almost as heated (although slightly more intelligent) than the pissing contest on DialIdol.com’s message boards.

I’m off to a late start watching the American Idol results show due to a live mouse my cat deposited at my feet. Ew.

Before the results are finally announced after Ryan’s purile blather and the inevitable and saccharine retrospectives otherwise known as fluff, I want to get some things on the record:

• Katharine: Singing on the floor still does not differentiate you from all the other diva-wannabes out there, nor do your overly-strained vocals of late. And while I’m at it: please learn the meaning of poise. Your key to winning: Accept that even if you want to be a Whitney or Ella, true talent lies in working with what’s been given to you.
• Elliot: I love Donny Hathaway. I love Ray Charles. I love big-voiced male singers whose vocals resonate with the nuance of their own souls. You’ve got all that and more. Unfortunately, you’re putting pearls before swine. Your key to winning: Nothing. Superficial criteria are going to work against you, and for that I’m deeply sorry. I am, however, looking forward to buying your CD, and I can’t say that for the other two left in the competition.
• Taylor: In all honesty, I’m more excited about the style of music you’re resurrecting than I am about the way you sing what you sing. Having said that, please accept my thanks for ditching so many of your contrived “funky white boy” mannerisms. Now please stop dancing. I mean it. Your key to winning: stay with the long-missed, joy-invoking genre of music for which you are so limitedly suited. But stop dancing. Seriously.

Having said that, I’m predicting that boobage will trump talent and thus leave us with an equally dance-impaired duo: the floor-crawling Katharine versus the wiggly-hipped Taylor. Sorry, Elliot.

UPDATE: Taylor’s first song was, as expected, quite good. But Katharine? Well, aside from taking her shoes off — which I assume was shorthand for letting us know she was just being her self — all I can say is damn! Why hasn’t she been singing like this all season long? Not that I’m changing my mind about her, mind you. I want an American Idol from whom I know what to expect and the very fact that she’s surprising me at this point speaks volumes.

FINAL UPDATE: I hate it when I’m write. Thank you, Elliot. Now go cut that CD!

So, we’re off on what will be a frequently updated post as I “live blog” tonight’s American Idol show as an excuse to have the living room to myself… for once.

7:01 - Could Ryan Seacrest’s shoulders be any wider? True, they need to balance out his rather large (and mostly empty) head, but sheesh. I haven’t seen anything like that since Joan Collins bitch-slapped Linda Evans. Not that I remember much else about the 80’s, mind you.

7:03 - Elvis songs all night? Oh sweet Jesus. And here I thought I’d had enough martini makings. I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

(more…)

I never manage to catch American Idol on the night it airs. And, yes, that means I never get to vote for my favorites (or, as is the case lately, I don’t get to vote for everyone but my least favorites). No one else in my house can stand the show, which means I Tivo it to keep me company on those occasional nights when insomnia hits.

That didn’t stop me from feeling relieved last week when Ace got voted off. So, ok, I’d initially looked forward to seeing his bright-eyed gaze and megawatt smile each week. I mean, with everyone’s song choices alternating between utterly unsuitable or painfully dull, looking at Ace had been the highlight of the past few weeks. Still at some point Ace’s best feature — that faraway look he took on at the end of each song — started being less attractive and more… vapid. He was doomed when his song choices began to match.

I’ve yet to watch this week’s performance. However, since I get to fast-foward through all the commercials and Ryan Seacrest’s inane commentary and purile Simon-baiting, I figure I can catch the whole show in 38 minutes and still have time to watch the live elimination show. (That, by the way, amounts to a 16 minute show even with Ryan’s blather if you skip the ads. Oh, how I love Tivo!)

Personally, I’d like to see Kelly Pickler get the boot. Yes, she’s an adorable, country-fried ingenue and all but so was last season’s winner. (Whose CD, unlike the previous years’ winners, I have no interest in buying, much less listening to.) I hate country music, and that’s that. Should Kelly decide not to return to her backwater little town and get some wider life experience — and, hopefully, an accompanying musical education — I’d be thrilled. She has a wonderful voice and that “It” quality that Simon is always talking about — but even Billie Holiday would sound like shit to my ears if she sang country.

That said, I take back my earlier bet on Paris. She bores me. Being 16 and the scion of a great musical family has insulated her from the work of having to find herself and her own style. She’s floundered throughout the season, and even with the chops she occasionally exhibits, I have yet to find myself anticipating what she’ll do each week. If anything, I dread it: will she or won’t it be like a trainwreck? Yes, I’ll watch her… but only to satisfy my curiosity in that one regard.

Taylor and Katharine? Let me just say that each reek of self-satisfaction in their own strange ways. And while I think they both have quite nice voices, their personalities strike false notes that turned me off some time back. [Note to Taylor: Earn your fans back. Sing "Me and Mrs. Jones"!]

So, in my mind, it’s down to Chris and Elliot — neither of whom are really what one would superficially consider “Idol” material. And, yet, perhaps that’s why I like them.

I adored Chris’s take on Louis Armstrong two weeks back. The Venomous Hubby liked it as well and, since it’s “our song” we listened to it not once but twice. I was both shocked and disappointed in Idol listeners to find him standing in the bottom 2 the following week. That said, I think the very fact that he was in the bottom two demonstrates that his fan base is looking for a metalheaded Idol, which means his recording career has already been relegated to a niche that I outgrew a few years back.

As for Elliot… Has anyone else noticed that, since making the Top 10, he’s starting to look more like Robert De Niro and less like a troll? No matter: when a guy has a voice like his and the humility of a genuine soul, what more does he need except, perhaps, Simon Cowell’s pecs?

On another note:

Now that’s a separated at birth photo!

American Idol last year? I was addicted. This year? I haven’t watched one damn minute. And I’m not sorry, but they should be.