I’m not going to watch the American Idol results show tonight. No, I’m not. I won’t. I can’t make myself, and you can’t make me, either.

I just can’t bear the thought of Sanjaya making the cut. Again.

UPDATE: If he does slide through, this ought to be enough to scare everyone else into voting for their favorites next week:

Yes, I watched American Idol last night. No, I didn’t blog along during the show. Blame it on my cold: I was asleep within minutes of the show ending which, I suppose, is better than having fallen asleep during. When I woke up this morning, I didn’t recall thinking that the entire show sucked — not even Sanjaya, really — so I decided to watch it again. You know, in case I’d hallucinated the entire thing.

Haley: Trampy little thing, isn’t she. Great legs. Simon correctly opined that people would not be discussing her actual performance today. It was wholly unmemorable aside from the horrid absence of personal dignity.

Chris R.: Color me surprised. I’d prepared myself for yet another bouncing bobble-head performance and instead Chris treated us all to a rather excellent display of vocal control and phrasing. Pity he can’t shake that nasal sound, though.

Stephanie: When Stephanie first to sing, I couldn’t tell if she was trying to be dramatic or suffering from a bad case of stage fright. I still don’t know, to be honest. Her voice should have perfectly suited Dusty Springfield’s song, but something about the whole performance was… off.

Blake: Oh my. My, my, my. What a wonderful way to modernize an old Zombies tune! At times, Blake actually sounds quite a bit like Sting… without the post-Tantric-confessions smarm factor. If the females’ fan-base gets too split in the Lakisha-Melinda vote, Blake might very well win!

Lakisha: Lakisha is beginning to strike me much as Paris did last season: a young girl coming across as dowdy due to poor song choices and odd stage presence. I didn’t enjoy her song this week, diamonds or no.

Phil: Only the Animals can make “Tobacco Road” feel like a British invasion song. Phil’s rendition sounded more like a bar band — although a very good bar band — closing their first set. Style note: while everyone else on the show makes at least a stab at “dressing up” (even Chris Sligh, who’s bound to look geeky in whatever he wears), but not Phil. Which, frankly, only reinforces his bar-singer persona. Not good.

Jordin: What a wonderful performance… and what a surprise, too. As Simon noted last week, Jordin’s beginning to remind folks that there are more than two women singing well this season. (Note to Stephanie: No, dear, you’re still not one of them.)

Sanjaya: Who’d have thought, prior to last night, that Sanjaya would actually attempt a Kinks’ tune? Or that I would voluntarily listen to him sing not once, not twice, but darned near four times in a row? Well, I had to, you see: each time he started trying to act like a ‘rocker,’ I couldn’t actually hear him sing over the sound of my own laughter. Then the camera panned to that poor little girl whose alleged “tears of joy” looked more like someone just stole her last piece of candy. Again and again and again. Poor little girl. Poor Sanjaya. Poor America if he doesn’t get voted off tonight!

Gina: Love the new ‘do. Love the song — “Paint it Black.” Unfortunately, I didn’t love her performance of it. Oh, she’s got a nice, big, rocking voice — which utterly overpowered the drama and nuance in this song. Pity, that.

Chris Sligh: Increasingly, I find myself closing my eyes to listen to Chris Sligh. That’s about the only way I can appreciate his vocals without being distracted by his baggy pants (Lord, please don’t let them fall off!) and disheveled sports coat. This week, Chris was very listenable: having been trounced over his arrangement of “Endless Love” last week (blech), he most definitely played it safe doing a nice, conservative performance this week. Still, I miss his quirky vocal darings.

Melinda: I want to say something nice about Melinda. I truly do. Unfortunately, I’m finding her increasingly boring. How awful is that? Excellent vocals? Check. Perfect pitch? Check. Dramatic phrasing and sense of drama in the song? Check again. In fact, she’s quite close to perfect… if you like ballads, since — with the exception of “W-O-M-A-N” a few weeks back — that’s all she’s sung. I’d like to hear something from her that’s a bit more contemporary, but chances are she’ll stick with the safe tunes she knows she’s already mastered. (On another, snarky note: her missing neck is starting to bother me. Really.)

UPDATE: Thoughts from David J., along with a passionate plea to parents of teeny-bopper girls. And from Sgt. Hook: the real American Idols.

UPDATE TWO: More (including video clips) from The Anchoress who, like me, is growing weary of Melinda’s song choices even if we do love her voice.

I blame these people:

Votefortheworst.com was started in 2004 to support voting for the entertaining contestants who the producers would hate to see win on American Idol. Why do we do it? During the initial auditions, the producers of Idol only let certain people through. Many good people are turned away and many bad singers are kept around to see Simon, Paula, and Randy so that America will be entertained.

Now why do the producers do this? It’s simple: American Idol is not about singing at all, it’s about making good reality TV and enjoying the cheesy, guilty pleasure of watching bad singing. We agree that a fish out of water is entertaining, and we want to acknowledge this fact by encouraging people to make an even funnier show by helping the amusing antagonists stick around. VFTW sees keeping these contestants around as a golden opportunity to make a funnier show.

The site claims to have had ‘successes’ in the past such as John Stevens, Scott Savol, Kevin Covais, Kellie Pickler, and Taylor Hicks.

Not surprisingly, they’re encouraging votes for Sanjaya. So next week, when we have to hear him murder yet another song, blame those folks… and all the teeny-bopper girls who’re just hoping he’ll start sharing the secret to getting Shirley Temple’s hair.

My, my. Isn’t Ryan looking dapper tonight with his purple tie and not one but two — two! — lapel microphones.

Simon, I see, is back to wearing his shirts half-buttoned. Frankly, I think he’s just trying to work his way back to The List. I knew I shouldn’t have raised his hopes last night. So, fine. Ron White’s out (now that I’m sober), Michael Kulikowski retains his status as the most recent addition, and Simon can have his old place back. After all, he did dress up for the occasion.

Now, on to the awful ensemble song… A few thoughts:

1. Why, why, why must they do this to our ears?
2. Is LaKisha a good actress or does she despise Sanjaya as much as it appeared?

Speaking of Sanjaya, bets are now open whether he’ll survive the night.

After Diana Ross’s screechy, pitchy screaming session song one can only hope the Idol contestants stop looking toward her as a musical role model.

UPDATE: Sanjaya is safe again?! That’s just so very wrong.

Now that dinner is out of the way (and for the curious, it was a lovely shrimp linguine tonight), it’s American Idol time again. Since I TiVo’d tonight’s episode, I figure even though I’m starting 50 minutes late, with all the commercials I get to skip I should be caught up in the next half-hour.

First observation: nice little self-congratulatory retrospective on past Idol winners. Anyone notice a certain gray-haired singer conspicuously absent from the list of strong-selling recording artists? Yeah, after suffering through his first album, I’ve done my best to forget him, too.

Ok, time to exercise the index finger to breeze past the happy talk and get straight to the performances.

Brandon “You Can’t Hurry Love”: Bad notes right off the bat. Evidently, nobody told him to look for the red light on top of the camera. Whoever the guy is in the first row that Brandon sang to most of the time must be feeling either flattered or frightened. I’d feel sorry for him for forgetting a couple of lines to the song, except he sounded better during those two brief silences than the rest of the song.

Pause for Ryan Seacrest to ask Simon if he has advice for Melinda Doolittle, who complains about wearing high heels. “You should know,” Simon retorts. To which Seacrest says, “Stay out of my closet.” Not to be topped, Simon (who may very well be back on the list after tonight) replies, “Well, then, come out!”

Pause again so I can wipe up the tea that just landed on my monitor.

Melinda “Home”: Man, I’m torn. I love Melinda’s voice, and yet I hate this song. So the fact that I enjoyed hearing her sing it says, at least to me, much about what a wonderful singer and entertainer this little powerhouse woman is. (Unfortunately, she made Paula cry. That’s not pretty.) Meanwhile, Simon compared Melinda to Gladys Knight… which probably has Dianna Ross ready to claw his eyes out and maybe even Melinda’s, too.

Chris Sligh “Endless Love”: Only curiosity made me sit through this horrible, awful, saccharine song. Hearing Chris say he’d toyed with the melody and tempo a bit piqued my curiosity. Wish I’d just spent the time making more tea. The arrangement was worse than the vocal… not that it’s going to help on the vote. (Note to Chris: Bring back the glasses!)

Gina “Love Child”: One of my long-time favorite songs sung by one of the underdogs in the competition. Although this song is even bigger than Gina’s huge voice, I’ve got to give her props for looking so very comfortable on stage… as long as you didn’t watch her face while she sang. Maybe it’s just me, but it looked like her pitchy notes were hurting her ears, too. Simon called it a ‘middle pack performance.’ The way the performances are going tonight, that might be a good thing.

Sanjaya “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”: Ok, I confess this is one of the only contestant/Diana Ross discussions I didn’t fast-forward through. I figured it would be like watching Diana and Michael Jackson hang out. I was right. Pity I didn’t have time for a shower to rid myself of the creep factor before listening to Sanjaya sing. Oh, wait. No, I’d just need a second shower anyway. The whole thing was creepy. And bad. (Did Sanjaya not understand they’re just singing Diana Ross songs this week, not actually trying to LOOK like her?)

Haley “Missing You”: Now this girl has “sultry” written all over her. But, boy, did she have an attack of nerves tonight. I liked the phrasing and, with the exception of one forgotten line, I thought it was a good performance. First time I’ve been impressed with her, as a matter of fact. I had no idea she had that kind of vocal potential, and I’ll definitely look forward to hearing what she does next week. (Yes, I’m even going to cast votes for her tonight to make that happen.)

Phil “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me”: Although the vocals are nice, I suppose, I still can’t help feel as if I’m sitting in a rather decent hotel lounge listening to their house band. Then again, that might be due to how many hotel lounges I’ve sat in listening to a house band sing this same song. Pity there’s not a cute bartender here to distract me from having to listen to this song.

LaKisha “God Bless the Child”: I adore this song. Always have. Always will. It certainly says something about LaKisha’s vocal abilities when all Diana Ross wants to discuss with her is what she’ll be wearing for the performance. On the other hand, the performance was so very flawless, the only she needed help with was the dress. (It was not a flattering one.) The singing, however, was stunning!

Blake “You Keep Me Hangin’ On”: BeatBox boy dances! BeatBox Boy dresses well! BeatBox Boy did not BeatBox. BeatBox Boy messed with a song so well-loved it’s been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. BeatBox Boy came across as a Boy Band… without the other boys. I’ll say this: it was fun to watch. Can’t say the same about how the sound.

Stephanie “Love Hangover”: (It just dawned on me that I was roller-skating with my fourth-grade crush to this song before Stephanie was even born.) Unfortunately, I’m left once again feeling overpowered by Stephanie’s vocals without having enjoyed the song itself. It never picked up, never built. I just didn’t have any satisfaction at the end of the song… except being glad it was over.

Chris R. “The Boss”: Is it just me, or does this guy look permanently stoned? I can’t decide which I’m more tired of: watching him bounce around and do the fake double-take over his shoulder while he sings, or listening to the nasal Justin Timberlake-wannabe vocal runs. Having decided to spare myself of having to actually watch him (and therefore get dizzy), I didn’t hear anything to like.

Jordan “If We Hold On Together”: Jordan just gets prettier each week, it seems, and more talented as each week passes, too. Schmaltzy song wonderfully sung. Simon’s right: I think Jordan just turned it into a three-girl race. (Note to Stephanie: No, he didn’t include you. Pick better songs.) Wonderful performance, but please stop singing all the tunes from your childhood collection of Disney movies!

Now, if I can just get the horrid vision of Diana Ross erased from my memory before bedtime….

UPDATE: David has some thoughts. Some of them are even about American Idol!

I’ve got a migraine — in addition the the previously blitched-about cramps — so I nearly didn’t watch this week’s Idol. I already know my favorites are Lakisha and Melinda, so I figured even if I missed this week I wouldn’t be missing much. But given the choice between handling The Big-Eyed Boy’s bath, book and bedtime routine or vegging in front of the TV with a cup of hot tea, a heating pad and the remote, well, the TV won out. (Thanks, VH.)

Turns out, with the exception of those two ladies’ performances, I was right: there were six largely unmemorable performances, and two that may have been the best migraine medicine I’ve ever had!

Jordan: She’s got the voice, for the most part, to cover a Pat Benatar tune. Yet, since I’m old enough to recall “Heartbreaker” when it first came out, watching a 17-year-old sing it now seems somehow odd. Would like to hear her sing: K.T. Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See.”

Sabrina: Again, showing my age, I confess I don’t recognize her song but — not to sound too much like Paula — she looked lovely!* Unfortunately, she over-sang the song which caused some serious pitchy problems… in between the screeching. Not a good performance. Would like to hear her sing: Oleta Adams’s “Get Here.”

Antonella: Bad song, bad performance, bad outfit. After pointing out that she’s gone as far in the competition as she can, Simon then garnered her the pity vote by saying he felt bad for her given all the grief she’s received over those nude photos. (Side note: If I was Frenchie Davis, who was booted off the show for similar photos in Season Two, I’d be talking to lawyers right about now.) At any rate, I can’t think of a single song I want to hear her destroy sing.

Haley: Another song I don’t recognize. Another performance I’d completely forgotten by the end of the commercials. To indulge in another Paula moment, she looked beautiful. Back to channeling my inner Simon (with a little Randy thrown in): she’s got the yawn factor. Would like to hear her sing: Lone Justice’s “Ways to Be Wicked.” (Yes, it’s an old song, but it’s got the personality that Haley just hasn’t demonstrated thus far.)

Stephanie: I’ve tried very hard to like this lady. She has such a strong voice and is obviously comfortable on stage. And yet last week’s Beyonce song was so disrhythmic as to be nearly unlistenable for me. This week the song was rhythmic but her pitch was off more than a few times, while at others she was darned near screaming. Would like to hear her sing: Mary J. Blige’s “No More Drama.”

Lakisha: Considering the phenomenal talent and range Lakisha has, it seems strange to consider her choice of a Whitney Houston song as being a “safe” one. There were a few wobbly notes in there, but otherwise Lakisha demonstrated her power, phrasing and presence. Would like to hear her sing: Deborah Cox, “Who Do You Love?”

Gina: She finally went back to her punk-tinge roots, complete with fishnet fingerless glove and tongue-piercing. While there were some definitely pitchy moments, it was an energetic, fun performance that reminded me (and apparently the judges, too) why I liked her during auditions. Would like to hear her sing: Lita Ford’s “Kiss me Deadly” (outdated though it may be).

Melinda: Now THIS is why I watch American Idol, even on nights when I’ve got a migraine and cramps. Last week she made me cry with “My Funny Valentine.” This week her version of “I’m a W-O-M-A-N” had me pumping my fist, strutting around my family room and shakin’ my groove thang. You. Rock. Girl! If she doesn’t make it into the Top 2 it’s the fault of fans who figure that everyone else is calling so they don’t need to. (Me? I got my 30 votes in for the night.) Would like to hear her sing: Aretha Franklin’s “House that Jack Built.”

*(Or, as the blogger formerly known as ZombieBoy said: “hubba, hubba.”)

UPDATE: I’m pretty much in agreement with Dean: send the men home. They just don’t stack up to the ladies this season.

It’s the men’s turn, and while they’re all looking rather good, my ears aren’t going to miss a few of them.

Now, before I get into blitching about the performances, let me first blitch about this homophobic thing between Ryan and Simon. It was funny, say, four seasons ago. But the longer Ryan’s been MC’ing the show — or whatever it is that he does — the more hostile and arrogant he’s become. (And, to be honest, I really don’t think of Ryan as being either a hostile or arrogant guy… unless he’s dealing with Simon.)

But what was funny four seasons ago is now, well, distracting. Ok, maybe I just haven’t forgiven Ryan for interrupting Quincy Jones two weeks ago. Let me repeat that: Ryan-My-Hair-Looks-Good-Seacrest interrupted Quincy-Freaking-Jones. The gall.

Also, has anyone else noticed that Ryan’s post-song banter is turning into the two-second interview equivalent of the kiss of death? Ask Nick, AJ, Alaina and Leslie.

Ok. Enough blitching. On to the show!

Blake: Once again, the Beat Box Boy surprised me. Like Randy, I don’t recognize the song. But — to borrow a phrase from a music show that reveals my age — it had a nice beat, I liked the melody, so I’ll give it a 100. And, as so often happens, I agree with Simon: Blake will be here next week. Want to hear him sing: Something from Sting’s world-music phase.

Sanjaya: I love John Mayer. I don’t like Sanjaya. I don’t even like his hair. And I definitely do not like what he did to John Mayer’s song. (The fact that even Paula had to struggle not to be rude says it all.) Please, America, kick this boy back to the karaoke bars he’s not old enough to get into. Want to hear him sing: Nothing. But if I must, then it ought to be James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful.”

Sundance: Ok, it’s not like Pearl Jam’s noted for singing on key, but if you’re going to do one of their tunes at least try to hit the same note Eddie sang. Unfortunately, Sundance dropped more notes than I can count. And I can count high. Nevertheless, he seemed to have committed himself more than last week, and was far more current. Still want to hear him sing: Blues Traveler!!!

Chris R.: Aw, dang. Just as I was ready to get dizzy watching him bounce across the screen he decided to go all soft and mushy, with the obligatory bar stool in the beginning. Whatever he was singing, I didn’t like it. That said, I liked his singing better this week than weeks past. Want to hear him sing: “Amazed” by Lonestar.

Jared: Man, this guy’s eyebrows bother me. As for the song… it’s a good one. Unfortunately, I’ve heard better versions of it at High Noon… without having to look at those eyebrows. Pitchy on the down notes, pitchy on his last two trills. Pitchy, pitchy, pitchy. Still want to hear him sing: Al Green’s “Tired of Being Alone.”

Brandon: Nice to hear Brandon doing something fun, and something that really should be in his range. But then he went and shoulded all over himself: too many bad notes, and he dropped the “money note.” By the end, even he looked overwhelmed by the song. Want to hear him sing: Eagle-Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight.”

Phil: LeeAnn Rhimes? LeeAnn. Rhimes. LeeAnnRhimes. Ok, I think I’ve got that out of my system. Wait, no I didn’t. LeeAnnWhatWasHeThinkingRhimes. You know, if you watch the last two seconds of a singer and see a look on his face that Phil just shot the camera at the end of this tune, well, you don’t feel nearly so bad when you think they suck because, clearly, he knew he did. Want to hear him sing: Jefferson Starship’s Jane.

Chris Sligh: You know what? This guy’s everything I could want in an American Idol — he’s got such a fantastic dry humor, such a great range, such an energy on stage and he’s NORMAL looking! Sligh committed himself to the song (whatever it was) but, as Simon said, it wasn’t a “hooky” song. While that may sound trite, when translated it means people are going to have a hard time talking about it the rest of the week because so few folks know what the hell the song is. My ears are still happy, though. Want to hear him sing: Marc Broussard’s “Home.”

Dear Leslie,

Caught your “farewell” performance on American Idol tonight, just as I caught your whole performance last night. Listen, that mouthing off thing during what will most likely be your very final time on national TV? It was juvenile. You had a chance to be memorable — you certainly began singing your farewell song infinitely better tonight than last night — but now? I’ll remember you as a mouthy, immature twit.

Oh, and as for your comment — you know, the one you interrupted your song to spew? — that “America’s not ready for scat”? Do the names Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, Scatman Crothers, Anita O’Day and Sarah Vaughan ring a bell? America’s fine with scat. Americans don’t like bad scat.

Buh-bye.