Considering how internet-centric my life is, it may come as a surprise that I’m still a big fan of dead tree media. Magazines? I can’t get enough of them. Though I absolutely adore my Kindle for reading books, using the joystick button to navigate between headlines and sections of magazines or newspapers is a freaking pain in the neck.

Also, many of my most-loved magazines (National Geographic, Natural History, Smithsonian) have rich, delicious photographs that just don’t translate well on the Kindle. Sure, I could read them online but then there’s no satisfying tha-whick! when I flip pages like there is with the real thing (though I suppose I could just make that noise myself).

Point is: I’m not inherently biased against print media. If anything, I’m still a big fan… provided the publication’s print format offers something pleasurable, something that can’t be replicated online. When it comes to newspapers I just can’t think of one that’s not better enjoyed in its digital format. For one thing, reading a paper online means I don’t have to wash my hands when I’m finished. Also, I can sit down to read it whenever I’m ready, without having to first comb my hair, change out of my bunny slippers and grab a jacket to hide the fact that I’m still in pajamas at 11 a.m. as I shuffle to the driveway to hunt for today’s issue where, invariably, one of my neighbors will see me.

Even with all of that hassle to go through to get my paper, I’d stayed a weekend subscriber until this morning. That’s when, confronted with 6 unread papers still soggy in their plastic bags, I realized I’ve just been wasting money because I’m not reading the things. And the truth is, I hadn’t subscribed to actually read them, anyway: I subscribed so I could get the Sunday coupons, the savings from which easily covered the cost of the paper plus another $12 or so per week.

Until my husband took over the grocery shopping again, that is.

Back when that chore was mine I’d spend a couple of hours or so every Sunday combing the coupons, clipping out the relevant ones, cross-referencing them with the sale flyers from our local grocery stores, compiling a store-by-store shopping list based on where coupons and sales would give us maximum savings, and then I’d spend a full afternoon running from one market to another until I’d picked up everything on our master grocery list for the week.

Yes, it was as much of a pain in the ass as it sounds, but at the end of the day I could shake my wad of receipts in my husband’s face and say, “Look how much money I saved!” Of course, I never managed to have a wad of cash equivalent to our savings to show him because a day like that was invariably capped off by a trip to the liquor store where I spent every penny we’d saved… and then some.

So, today I called the newspaper to cancel my subscription. That, too, was a pain in the ass because, like many businesses’ customer service departments these days, our paper doesn’t get the service part… particularly when you’re about to stop being a customer. The conversation went something like this:

VK: “I’d like to cancel my subscription effective as of today.”

Rep: “I’d be happy to help you do that. May I ask why?”

VK: “I don’t read the paper. I’m not interested in reading the paper. I only subscribed for the coupons, and my husband won’t use them. So it’s a waste of my money.”

Rep: “Well, then, you understand you could be saving (some outrageous amount of money) every week with the Sunday coupons, right?”

VK: “No I can’t. See, you’re assuming I’m going to use every single coupon which, even if I still did the grocery shopping wouldn’t be the case.”

Rep: “Okay, maybe not quite that much but, still, you could still be saving money with coupons each week.”

VK: “Except I don’t do the shopping anymore. My husband does, and he won’t use coupons. Period.”

Rep: “Does he know he could be saving money?”

VK: “Yes, though I sometimes suspect he’s not a very smart man that, at least, is something even he can understand. He just won’t use them. So, cancel my subscription, okay?”

Rep: “So why don’t you do the shopping yourself?”

VK: “It’s none of YOUR business why I don’t do the shopping anymore, okay? Cancel my subscription!”

Rep: “I’m just saying that if you did the shopping and used coupons you could save money every week. With this economy it seems like doing the shopping so you could save money with coupons is a small effort that can really pay off.”

VK: “Do you even realize what you’re saying? Basically, you’re trying to convince me to subscribe to weekly delivery of coupons! Not the paper itself — which I’ve noticed you haven’t mentioned at all — but just the coupons. And on TOP of that you want me to rearrange my life and my household routines so we can use those coupons which, obviously, we aren’t that interested in or we’d be using? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?”

Rep: (Pause) “Okay, ma’am. I’ll process this cancellation. Now, would you mind completing a survey about whether you found the coupons in the Sunday paper a good value?”

VK: “AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!” (*click*)

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On behalf of countless mothers and wives who wake up on Christmas morning to find they’re getting a set of scented soaps and bubble bath (again) because their husbands and/or kids wait until the last minute to do their Christmas shopping OR don’t have a clue what Mom might like OR just don’t give a hoot, I thought I’d share a list of some non-scents gifts to keep the woman in your life from spitting in your Christmas dinner. Every item on this list is something I’ve bought or have been given in the past year, so you can shop confident in your knowledge that you’re buying something with the Venomous Seal of Approval (you know, if there was such a thing).

Got an iPhone (or iPod)-loving Mom on the go? Help her get her groove on while driving with the Monster iCarPlay Wireless Plus FM Transmitter/Charger for iPod ($17.99). Not only will she be able to groove to her favorite iTunes but since the iCarPlay lets her talk on her iPhone hands-free through her mini-van’s car stereo system, she’ll be able to safely flip off all those annoying drivers who forget to use their freaking turn signals.

Okay, I have to admit: I first bought this for the Venomous Hubby’s birthday, but it wasn’t long before I came down with a severe case of monitor envy. I mean, here I’m always worried about crow’s feet and those annoying red spots on the side of my nose that my glasses leave, and HE had a monitor big enough to read email from across the room? We’re now the proud owners of not one but two of these bad boys. So why does the woman in your life need this massive I-Inc Lcd 28″ LCD Monitor (at the comparatively low price of $319)? Why, so you can play Dragon Age: Origins after she’s passed out from all of that hardcore Christmas Day cooking, of course!

What’s better than a video camera that slips into a purse so it’s handy when Mom wants to record her kid scoring the winning goal or starring in yet another dance recital? A video camera so small she’ll have it available to roll your own homemade pr0n when the two of you are “doing laundry” or whatever it is you’re doing behind that locked door while the kiddies stand there asking “Why does Mommy sound like she’s choking?” With the Flip UltraHD Camcorder, 120 Minutes ($149.99) you can have it all!

Know what sucks more than spending your morning making sure everyone’s awake, fed, dressed and ready to head off to school/work/community service only to find that someone finished off the coffee and didn’t bother to make a fresh pot? Nothing! Keep the household CEO sufficiently caffeinated with this Keurig B40 Elite Gourmet Single-Cup Home-Brewing System($98). It brews a fresh cuppa in a matter of seconds, comes with a nice sampler of coffee and teas to start, and ensures you’ll never have an empty coffee pot come flying at your head because you forgot — again — to make more after topping off your travel mug. (For you frugal-minded folks check out the Keurig My K-Cup Reusable Coffee Filter that lets you use your own (cheap) grind instead of shelling out for new K-Cups. $8.99)

Okay, no one likes labels being attached to them. But to their stuff? Well, that’s another matter. Let her indulge her inner control-freak with the Brother PT-80 P-touch Electronic Labeling System ($13.19). It’s perfect for labeling files, spice jars, shelves, keys and just about everything else. Just don’t blame me if you come home to find, as VH once did, that she’s gone a little bat shit crazy and labeled the light switches, too. (Hey, it saves electricity and light bulbs, so how crazy can it be???)

If you’ve already gone ahead and bought her a bath set, don’t worry: there’s still time to redeem yourself. Couple it with this gorgeous 100% Silk Robe ($109.00) and a coupon promising you’ll take the kiddies out so she can soak in the tub without interruption, and you might just get to stuff her “stocking” come Christmas night, too!

So, what’s on your Christmas Wish List this year? Share in the comments if you’re so inclined, and feel free to leave this page conveniently visible on your monitor in the hope your spouse and/or kids see it.

Next summer when my thighs are chapped it won’t be from wearing shorts.

This is a test. This is only a test. If this were an actual blog entry, I’d be telling you to run to the nearest window and look for airborne swine (for those of you in Arkansas, that’s a fancy way of warning you about pigs flying).

If you’re reading this it means I’ve been able to update my blog via my iPhone, and THAT means Facebook and Twitter (see lefthand sidebar) will no longer be getting my best Venom.

So. Can you read me now???

Why Obama really won the Nobel Peace Prize: because unicorns *heart* him.

Ordinarily, resignation letters start off saying something to the effect that “it is with a heavy heart”, or, “this has been the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make”.

Not this one.

After 6,053 posts over the past six years — and that’s not even counting the entries at my other three blogs or at Pajamas Media — I’ve reached a point where I no longer feel the least bit interested in spending my days online.

Truth is, lately I’ve found myself wondering why I felt compelled to blog in the first place. To change minds? Hah. I’m not so naive as to believe that one blog entry, or even a slew of them, has any meaningful influence on someone’s political persuasion. To communicate with others? Well, sure. That was the fun part… until “social media” like Twitter, Facebook, et al., turned interaction into a nonstop slew of mental diarrhea streaming live 24/7.

Looking back, I realize that dissatisfaction with my own life was the greatest impetus behind my blogging. Because, let’s face it, my adventures with Venomous Hubby provide an endless source of snark-filled fodder.

Or so I thought.

In the past two months, as I’ve spent increasingly less time online, I’ve discovered something profound: it’s not that I was dissatisfied with the life I was living, it’s that I was living too much of that life online.

Staying away from the computer on a regular basis has given me the time and mental energy to appreciate my loved ones, to accomplish projects I previously believed I didn’t have time for, and to simply take pleasure in being without feeling the compulsion to share every detail of my existence with the online community. (It’s also helped me shed 17 of the far-too-many-to-admit-in-public pounds that I’ve put on in the past 6 years as my life dwindled to the space between my bed, fridge and laptop.)

So, dear blogosphere, it is actually with a very light and happy heart that I am writing this to tell you of the easiest decision I’ve made in quite some time. I’d wondered how to quit you, and now I know: it’s just a matter of turning off the computer and seeing that the world, indeed, keeps going.

To all of my Venomites, I want to thank you for your loyal readership and witty comments over the years. Were it not for how much I know I’ll miss you, I’d probably have reached this decision quite some time ago. As it is, I appreciate your support and understanding, and please know that I’ll miss you, too.

I may be back. I may not. When I sit here thinking of my future it doesn’t involve blogging. It does, however, involve a whole lot of time unplugged from the online world and tuned in, instead, to my own life.

So, until we meet again:

Vaya con Venom,
VK

Electric Venom turns 6 years old today! Why, it seems like just the other day I was sitting at my laptop worried that I’d somehow break the internet if I pushed the wrong button and wondering if I’d get in trouble for typing “fuck” on the internet.

For the first time ever, I’m not going to celebrate this blogiversary by promising to stick around another 6 years. Frankly, when I look back at all the hours and days that have passed by unnoticed for having existed beyond the confines of my monitor, it makes me just a bit blog weary. Or maybe that’s constipation. Hard to say.

At any rate, thanks to all of my readers for making life online far more interesting over the past few years than the stuff that’s happened away from the computer. You keep doing what you do so well, and I’ll consider doing the same.

My apologies for the silence around here lately but between feeling like death warmed over for most of the past week, and VH’s trip to Korea leaving me (once again) to parent solo, I’ve been more interested in screaming into my pillow than reading the news, much less forming a semi-intelligent opinion on it.

Which is not to say that I haven’t been blogging. I have, just not here. So here’s a sampling of what I’ve posted elsewhere which you’ve probably been too lazy to look into:

At I Think Therefore I Blog:

…And Then It Dawned On Me. An excerpt:

All weekend long I could not escape the feeling of impending doom. You know the one I’m talking about: that tickle in the pit of your stomach, the tension in the back of your throat, the pressure bearing down on your shoulders, the certainty that the ceiling above you — and the sky above it — is bearing down on your helpless ass.
In other words, my mother’s visit is a mere 29 days away.

Also, Rinse and Spit Please.

At Chubby Mommy:

Lessons from the Wii Fit. An excerpt:

You know how exercise is supposed to give you more energy? I’m still waiting for that part to kick in. I’m tired! Every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I am so tempted to hit the snooze button and go back to sleep. The only thing stopping me? My arms are too freakin’ sore to move quickly enough to reach the dang thing before that incessant buzzzzzing wakes up everyone else in the house.

Also, Eau de Moi.

At Queen of Snark:

Like a Bookmark in Your Poop. An excerpt:

So. I’d just finished scrubbing, pre-soaking, washing, drying and folding a load which consisted of nothing besides his underwear. Boxer-briefs, in case you’re curious. And while I folded one pair I noticed the crotch area is getting a little thin… as in, I could see the floor through some of the holes.

(Yes, God did bless my husband in that general vicinity — which might explain why I put up with as much as I do — but, honestly, I don’t understand how the man wears out 3 pairs of his underwear in the time it takes me to wear out one of mine.)

Also, Sign Language.

And, of course, there’s my Pajamas Media column asking Can Starbucks Really Offer “Value” With A Straight Face in response to which the rabid PJM commenters accuse Your Venomous Hostess of being obsessed with what other people think of me.

To quote my favorite cartoon duck: “Dey don’t know me vewy well, do dey?”

So, as far as blogging goes until Monday, the-the-the-the-the-that’s all, folks!