Earlier this week I had to fill up my gas tank. The grand total came to $50, after which I did the now-obligatory muttering. That didn’t last long, though: it is, after all, the only time during the month of April that I’ve bought gas. That’s right: I use less than one tank per month. VH had to fill up, too. His gas tank holds less than mine so his total came to $36. That’s the second time he’s had to fill up in April, but he felt obligated to grumble, too.

Because, you see, that’s the ‘mericun thing to do these days: bitch about gas prices, even when you know you don’t necessarily have a right to bitch.

Granted, we live in a small town where most of the places we need to go — grocery store, doctor’s office, hair salon, various establishments catering to grown-ups for me; work and the golf course for VH — are within 5 miles of my home.

What really galls me, though, are the people who live in this small town along with me who still wind up spending hundreds of dollars on gas every month. And why? Because they drive into the big city (which, for us, is Kansas City) so they can go to the latest, trendiest restaurants or attend entertainment events.

In my book if you’re spending big money on gas because you’re driving places for the fun of it then you’ve got no right to bitch.

One of my neighbors pulled in to their driveway while I was in the garage vacuuming my van this evening. They’d just returned from a quick dash from home to McDonald’s and walked over to talk about an upcoming homeowners’ association meeting. As we stood there talking, my neighbor remarked that earlier in the day he’d gone to fill up his gas tank. He spent $58 (he drives an SUV) for the second time this week.

The kicker: he works in the same building that VH does… which is only 5 miles away!

I asked why he didn’t pick up McDonald’s while he was out earlier… why make two separate trips. His answer: “Well, we didn’t decide until dinner time that we felt like McDonald’s.”

This, my fellow ‘mericuns, is precisely why OPEC has us all by the nuts. We have a culture in which our fun happens at the spur of the moment. Our convenience, our leisure and recreation, and our seemingly endless need for fun is at the very heart of our problem. We want it all, and we want it now, but we also think we are entitled to have it all cheap.

We sit around our houses and decide we don’t feel like cooking, so why not hop in our cars and drive to McD’s? (It’s no coincidence that McDonald’s is the icon of our American way of life.)

We choose to live in suburbs away from inner city crime, bad schools and urban blight rather than placing ourselves (and our money) in the heart of things were we actually stand a chance of fixing them, if only by our presence and the efforts we put in to our own property. As a result we live far away from where we work yet bitch about long commutes. Then we find it too inconvenient to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work (because, after all, it’s a long commute already) so we demand 24-hour grocery stores that allow us to shop when we feel like it.

We feel like going to the movies, going shopping, going out for a drink and… we go. We don’t walk there — mostly because we felt at some point like building a progressive town or city meant establishing “entertainment districts” far away from residential areas — so we drive.

Feel like Chinese food or pizza for dinner rather than, say, spending a half-hour cooking from whatever’s on hand? Why, order it in! Never mind that your whim means someone else has to do the driving. By God, you’ll get out of cooking, won’t you?

Feel like a movie tonight because there’s nothing good on TV? Go rent one! Why should you have to pass one evening reading a book, right?

Feel like you need to exercise more? Drive to the gym. God forbid you, well, walk out of your front door and keep going for an hour or so.

We feel like doing all sorts of things… and that is our problem. We’re also feel like we should be able to do what we want, when we want it, assuming we can afford it (or can charge it to our credit cards).

And therein lies our problem: our sense of entitlement. Oh, I’m not talking about the “entitlements” like welfare, free medical coverage and all that other quasi-socialist crap. I’m talking about the sense of entitlement that even right-leaning, conservative-thinking folk have: “This is America, for God’s sake, the land of the free.”

Which means, ultimately, that we feel we ought to — as one airline puts it — feel free to roam about the country. Whenever we want. Wherever we want.

But we don’t want to pay for that freedom.

I’ll posit this to you Venomites who love to slam the liberal left for the way they feel like they’re entitled to live off the fat of our taxes: we’re no different. We’re no better. We simply have different priorities: rather than living off the money of our fellow ‘mericans’ tax dollars, we believe we’re entitled to live off the lower profits of foreign oil companies.

Since when was it American and conservative to demand ANY corporation reduce its profits, eh?

Want to save money at the gas pump? Learn to do less of what you feel like doing and more of what you know you should. Even if it’s inconvenient. Even if it sucks.

• Walk.
• Schedule. For those places you can’t get by walking, go there when you’re already out and about.
• Just say no. Once you’re home for the evening, stay home for the evening. Don’t run to McDonald’s because you feel like it.
• Plan ahead. If you need groceries, ake your grocery list with you to the office and make time on the way home from work.
• Postpone liberally. If you forgot to run an errand don’t rush out and do it. Add in extra time the next day to do it on your way to- or from the office.
• Slow the hell down. Sure, the speed limit sign just 20 yards past the green light says you can drive 70. Since when did free-thinking individuals pay attention to signs? Stop trying to max it out and your gas will last a lot longer. And in case you’re one of those afraid to piss (stupid) people off, get in the right lane and drive 55.
• Put out for upkeep. With gas prices what they are it’s tempting to cheap out on other automotive maintenance like getting your oil and air-filters changed and having someone inflate your tires while calibrating the psi. Stop it already. Keeping your auto in tip-top shape — particularly your tire pressure — will help save on gas. So knock it off with the “guesstimating”.
• Be an early bird at the pump. We all hate mornings. We’re all in a hurry to get to work. But filling your tank after the day is warm means you’re buying fumes that will eventually condense and settle into less liquid than what you actually paid for at the pump. Fill up first thing in the morning even if you don’t feel like it.
• Schedule your refills. Gas costs more on the weekends, especially right before a long weekend. The cheapest days to fill up are Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Stop trying to fight it.
• Sell short if you must. Sure, you might be “upside down” in your gas-guzzling SUV, but depending on how much you owe and how much you drive it might be worth it to get out of that gas-guzzler and into a more fuel-efficient vehicle… even if it means looking like a nerd. After all, who’s going to look stupid in about three years: the nerds who drive fuel-efficient vehicles, or the people who can’t pay their mortgage because they spend so much money on gas just getting to and from work?
• Shop online and combine. No, I mean it! I bought an Amazon Prime membership for $79 a couple of years ago. With that, I get free shipping to any address in the U.S., which means I don’t have to run around all over the place shopping for gifts. With their grocery service I can often order in bulk at prices cheaper than my PX, Sam’s Club or Wal-Mart. And, thanks to their subscription service, I can have many regularly-used products sent on a periodic basis which means, for instance, that right about the time I’m running out of tampons there’s a new box arriving via UPS. Now, there’s some argument to be made that it’s not saving gas if UPS delivers. My response: (1) it’s not my gas that’s being used; and (2) the more people in your neighborhood you turn on to this, the more environmentally-friendly it becomes.
• Look for other online alternatives. “Feel” like a movie? Rent via Netflix.com. Hell, if you’ve got a good enough computer you can even watch movies when you feel like it via their immediate downloads that are free for subscribers.
• Garden. Yes, I know this one’s bordering on tree-hugging, but there’s a lot of fun to be had in gardening. When you grow your own veggies you don’t have to think about driving to McD’s or worry about what’s for dinner: just step out back and pick something. You’d be amazed at what you can grow in a 3×6 bed or even in patio containers. I didn’t shell out one red penny for vegetables last summer. Heck, you can even grow vegetables from your apartment balcony without sacrificing floor space. And after a day spent gardening you’ll be too tired to want to go anywhere, anyway.
• Carpool. Now, as someone who hates my fellow humans by default, this is a hard one for me. I don’t like mornings. I don’t like people who expect me to talk to them in the mornings unless I gave birth to them (and even then, they’re trained not to expect a whole lot out of me besides breakfast.) But, hey, if you can’t/won’t homeschool like we do then suck it up and make carpool friends, people.
• Have more sex. Let’s face it: the majority of times we drive somewhere other than work or the grocery store can be attributed to sheer boredom. Bars? They’re the best solution to having nothing to talk about with your spouse. Shopping? There’s a reason why married women do that for “recreation”. And don’t get me started on the subject of why men go to strip bars or Hooter’s (where they just see stuff like this. It’s boredom, baby. And it’s nothing personal. But, hey, if you learn to last (or endure) more than 3 minutes chances are that urge to drive somewhere else (besides towards the headboard) will pass.

Sure, these things all seem counter-intuitive to our “follow your freaking rainbow” culture, but that exact way of thinking is what got us in this predicament in the first place. The very best way to keep OPEC from strangling you by reaching through your anus is to pull your head out of it so you can see what they’re up to, and how you can avoid it.

No, it might not be the “free to be you and me” way of thinking to which we’ve all become entitled… but since when did being conservative mean thinking such socialist thoughts? After all, aren’t we the political party who knows that demand drives supply? Stop demanding so freaking much and watch those prices plummet.

Do your part: inconvenience yourself and piss off the towel heads.

And realize that, until you’re willing to do so, you might as well grab some petroleum-based jelly and lube up while bending over an oil barrel, folks.

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You know him. You laugh at him. Now you can own a signed photo of him bare of his Bisht.

That’s right, Islamic Rage Boy is posing in the altogether, but it’s all for a good cause.

Congratulations to my friend Kim who’s celebrating being two years smoke-free today.

Having quit repeatedly only to fail and try again, I have to say how impressed I am. Kicking the smoking habit is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do.

In other news, my in-laws are here which is why I’m out on the patio having a cigarette right now. Hey, I’ve got to have something to do with my hands that won’t cause offense or injury.

Dan Spencer, known to many of us as California Yankee, has a new blog. Or, rather, he has a new look for a blog he’s been maintaining for a while now that the folks of Examiner.com have put him at the helm of Right Side Politics Examiner.

Congrats, Dan!

You don’t hear a lot of men bragging about lasting “all night” anymore. Maybe that’s an unanticipated benefit of Viagra: such boasting would lead to speculation that a man had pecker problems only a pharmaceutical could cure. And, really, how many men want to admit to such a thing?

Besides, if a recent survey is to be believed, lasting all night long isn’t even necessary.

A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life.

The researchers hope this will ease the minds of folks who, for whatever reason, are curious how their sex lives stack up against everyone else’s. So just remember, guys: the goal is to last longer than the commercial break. Do it, and she just might get your beer for you when it’s done.

If I’d paid any attention to the calendar this morning I wouldn’t have bothered turning on my computer. Unfortunately, I wasn’t thinking — as I’m generally not before settling down in front of my laptop with a huge cup of coffee.

As a result, one of the first links I clicked on was in an email from a “friend” who rick rolled me. Bitch. Now that song’s stuck in my head. (Don’t blame me if you click that link.)

Meanwhile, I’d lost a minute of my life.

Then ol’ Linc Twittered about a new blog post in which he announced that he’s been fired. Being the kind, considerate person that I am — before finishing my huge cup of coffee — I clicked through and read about how depressed he was… until I reached the “Happy April Fool’s Day” thing at the bottom.

Great, another 2 minutes of my life that I can’t get back.

After that, my regular reads took me to over two dozen bloggers who thought they’d be cute, funny and original by announcing that they were shutting down their blogs permanently.

Did you get that: two dozen. Which proves it’s neither cute NOR funny NOR original. So why freaking bother?

That’s yet another 15 minutes of my life gone.

Last but not least? I ran across a headline saying that Google plans to organize all human ignorance, and since I’d actually finished my first huge cup of coffee, I saw some possibilities in that. I mean, they’ve already organized what we think we know, why not create a framework for the vast spaces on which we know very little as a way to encourage humanity to fill in those blanks.

Unfortunately, it, too, was a stupid April Fool’s joke (although a damn sight funnier than the “I lost my job” or “I quit the internet” ones, and more original, too).

Even so, that’s yet another minute of my life wasted today thanks to some asshat playing an April Fool’s Prank.

Next year? Next year I’m not getting out of bed on April Fool’s Day. Because, frankly, all you who decided to be “funny” and write joke entries just aren’t worth it.

After 10 years of marriage, I am starting to realize that a woman’s wedding ring must be awfully darned heavy — how else to account for the 40+ pounds she gains after the “I Do’s” are done?

A man’s ring? Well, it’s a medical freakin’ marvel, baby, because a man’s ring has the ability to redirect blood flow. All that energy a man used to put into pretending he was listening — while actually counting down the minutes until he could step up from intellectual foreplay to full-frontal frolicking — gets redirected before the “oooooh” part of “I Do” settles into the church carpet.

That moment which represents the culmination of every little girl’s fantasy — when she’s standing at the altar in a dress she’ll wear for 3 hours that costs more than all of the dresses she’s previously worn in her life combined and all eyes are upon her… that moment, in the man-scheme of things, is infinitesimally small and yet infinitely more profound.

Oh, sure, her life and maybe her last name are going to change. Eventually - eventually - she’ll probably begin to pack on the pounds, either before pregnancy or afterwards when she realizes that, if she could do it all over again, the money that went towards her dress should’ve been saved to pay for that post-marital lipo.

But meanwhile, in the blink of a blink of an eye, her man’s entire physiology changed. As she looked up toward him, her eyes fervently shining with pride over how much her real-life “I Do” sounded like the ones she’d rehearsed umpteen times into her pillow — her man’s blood flow got shunted from the part of his brain that used to pretend to listen to a part that actually enables him not to listen ever, ever again.

How else to explain why men who possessed perfect urinary aim when they were mere boyfriends suddenly become, upon marriage, Picassos of the piss hole? Or why the man who used to feign the need to fill up his gas tank so he’d have an excuse to go take a crap at the gas station turns — thanks to his wedding ring — into a man who not only leaves the door open and the fan off when he’s letting the toilet know who’s boss?

And a woman can complain about it until she’s blue in the face — so long as she doesn’t cut off the vaginal or mammary life-support system — but he’ll never hear one bitchified word.

So what’s a girl to do?

Sure, she could lose that 40 pounds and see if that doesn’t make a man listen. But let’s face it, a woman can lose at least 150 pounds in a heartbeat: she just has to file for divorce.

Short of that? Well, she learns to cope. As I have.

And now — because I have nothing better to do with my evenings, apparently — I’m sharing the skills. For my female readers, and my venomously anti-vaginarian bachelor friends, I’ve started a weekly newsletter featuring new recipes; planned weekly dinner menus with a shopping list; house cleaning tips; and more.

The first issue goes out tomorrow. Better sign up while you can. But even if you miss popping my newsletter’s cherry you can always visit me at I Think, Therefore I Blog and sign up for it in the sidebar.

Come to think of it, maybe you should just be visiting me there at ITTIB a bit more often period. Or did that wedding ring on your finger ruin your ability to think, too?

It’s hard for me to believe, but Electric Venom is 5 years old. Why, I still remember typing my very first post and having no idea whether I was doing it right. In fact, I secretly feared I was going to break the internet.

Now, nearly 6,000 entries and over 27,000 comments later, I still feel clueless most days, but I’m having more fun than ever. It’s all thanks to you, my Venomites.

Here’s to five more years together. I hope you’ll enjoy them. I’m certain I will.

Four years ago (my, how time flies) I ran “a Venomous giveaway” contest looking for web designers willing to trade a CSS-based, HTML valid theme in exchange for six (6) months of free advertising here on EV. The response was staggering. (I should point out here that EV will be five years old next month. Five!)

I’ve had several design changes since then, and I’ve added several more blogs to my repertoire since then, too, each of which has cost a pretty penny. Oh, don’t get me wrong: I love the designs that I have now. But one of my favorite four-letter words (besides “Kate”) is free.

So now I’ve got a new web project and I’m in search of a designer who’d like to engage in some heavy link petting. As in: you give me a free design and I’ll give you a link on all 6 sites (including the one I need a design for) and 1 month of free advertising here on EV.

Here are my specs:

1. A purely CSS-based site.

2. Clear breadcrumbs throughout so I can tinker with it to my shriveled little hearts’ content in the future.

3. MUST be well-versed in pulling RSS-feeds from various sites for a primarily static site. (As in: mine.)

4. Visually accessible.

5. Must include logo design appropriate to the web project.

6. Must not submit a quickly re-designed version of a prefab template. I want something original that’s worth what I’m offering in exchange. (For example, if I were to charge for links on all 6 sites — and I don’t — it would go for $300, while a free ad here on EV would cost a minimum of $160 a month). In other words, I don’t want a ripped-off version of someone else’s template in exchange for the $460 equivalent trade I’m offering.

Think you’ve got the stuff? Then contact me and let’s talk trade.

Meanwhile, Venomites, you need not fear that I’m going to get distracted by running yet another blog. This one — if there’s a designer out there who can meet my specs — won’t require more than a few minutes of my time each week.

Over at Aggies’s Diary of a Pink and Brown Wedding (which has since evolved into a diary about everything), I saw one of those corny “What does your name say about you” things. Her name is Mary Agatha and, naturally (or so I figured), the quiz told her all sorts of nice, rosy things about her personality.

But what would it do with a name like ‘Venomous Kate’, I wondered, half-expecting to smoke their server as it looped through ways to handle a moniker like that.

Now I don’t know what to make of it.

What ‘Venomous Kate’ Means

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it’s killing you. You’re the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day… and still have the energy to party all night. Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.

You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don’t have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you’ll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you’re so lucky, you don’t really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You’re sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.

You don’t always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don’t have as much going for them as you do.

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life. You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don’t spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you’re snobby or aloof, but you’re just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You’re most comfortable when you’re far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

Ever get the feeling that some of these quiz-writers are trying to get into your pants?

So, What’s Your Name’s Hidden Meaning?

Five blogs, I have discovered, are simply too many. My hands can’t take all that typing. My brain can’t handle all that thinking. My back wasn’t built to be sitting at a desk for so many hours, so many days in a row.

One blog has got to go, but I just can’t decide which.

I’ve narrowed the finalists to two: my dieting and weight loss blog, Chubby Mommy, and my celebrity gossip blog, Queen of Snark.

I’m going to let you pick which one gets axed. You only get one vote, folks, so make it count.

NOTE: Since the rassin’ frassin’ poll plugin isn’t working, leave your vote in the comment section. I promise I won’t hold it against you.

Voting closes on January 19.

I’m rather certain Lattegirl will think I completely forgot that she told me when her birthday is.

But I didn’t.

Happy Birthday, Lattegirl! And, by the way, don’t sweat 30. It’s not that bad, except for the fact that it means 40 is getting closer every day.

Like many people, I have a number of blogrolls that I work with. There’s the blogroll on this site which lists other blogs that I recommend to my readers but which I don’t necessarily visit myself every day. I have a separate blogroll for those sites, along with one for sites that I know only update two or three times per week and thus don’t need a daily visit.

Then there’s the blogroll of other bloggers doing sponsored entries that I visit. I’m beginning to seriously hate that one.

Almost daily that blogroll leads me to an entry written by someone complaining about how few comments they get and how seldom their stuff is linked by other people. Usually it takes all of one minute to realize what’s wrong with their site: they’ve loaded their pages with so many badges, buttons and blinky things that it loads slowly, causing all of the other pages in my browser to load slowly, too.

Of course, half of them are on one of those free sites like Blogger, which means they’re unlikely (read: too cheap) to spring for the services of a web optimization firm.

If you’re going to stick with your free hosting, fine. But don’t think for a minute you’re likely to get more website traffic until your site stops crashing peoples’ browsers, folks. Ditch some of those buttons and javascripts that you’re running and, for Pete’s sake, consider checking out how your website looks in other browsers so you can stop breaking mine!

That’s the first step to getting more hits, people. You must have a page that others can read! Beyond that, well, building up more website traffic to your site where you do paid reviews is a matter of blogging better and more often, without sounding like you’re trying to hawk snake oil. (Not that there’s anything wrong with snakes, mind you.)

Lucky for you, I happen to know of a new web site that will help you paid bloggers to do just that: Blogging For The Money written, not coincidentally, by Yours Truly.

You’re welcome, blogosphere.

Dan Perry is giving away a free Google fridge to one lucky winner who tells him why they should win and what they’d do with the fridge.

My entry is simple:

1. I want the fridge as a consolation prize after Google slashed my site’s rating from a PR5 to a PR3.

2. I’d keep it in my office where it would store the vodka and olives for my martinis, which I happen to need more often thanks to the reason stated above.

What would you do with a Google fridge? Enter Dan’s contest and you just might win!

I just realized today that I’d somehow messed up my email program back in late October. If you happen to have sent one of the 9,972 emails to my personal email address at this domain and didn’t get a reply, well, it’s nothing personal.

It’s fixed now.

However, if you haven’t received a reply in, say, ten (10) days then you’re probably safe assuming that it is something personal.

Phew. That should whittle things down to a manageable 6,318.

Nominations for the 2008 Weblog Awards — a/k/a the Bloggies — are open for one more week.

We wants one, folks.

I’ve been wanting to get something off my chest for a while now, but just hadn’t figured out which blog to put it on. I do, after all, get paid to blog on all four blogs these days so whichever one I pick for this subject is bound to get slammed with comments calling me a hypocrite. Should I share the traffic (and the hate), or should I keep it all here where the word “Venom” pretty much warns people what they’re in store for?

Ultimately I decided to explain myself here at EV for one reason and one reason only: it has the highest traffic. With luck, I’ll get this message out to a larger number of people also doing paid blogging and quite possibly someone might just get the point and fix their crappy writing.

So here’s the message to 90% of folks doing paid blogging: You suck.

You suck wind loudly, you suck in ways that words cannot describe. You suck because you believe that you don’t, and most of all you suck because you think people actually care what you have to say about a product, site or service.

They do not.

No matter how the companies that handle the transaction may categorize the tasks assigned to you, the advertisers do NOT believe that your glowing, kiss-ass review of a product or service you haven’t even tried (or won’t use, don’t need or can’t afford) will convince the thirty friends and fellow bloggers — most of whom are also getting paid to write about the same damn site — to suddenly discover a need for whatever it is they’re selling.

And before you go calling me egotistical for saying that you suck, consider this: how freaking egotistical are YOU to believe that some company with the funds to hire umpteen bloggers at $15 a piece wants YOU to take time out of your busy schedule of blogging about what color your baby’s spit-up was today or how adorable it was when your cat’s Christmas tinsel-laced hairball looked like the star of Bethlehem just so you can give your opinion of something you’ve never even tried?!

Advertisers, like the boys that I dated in high school, are only interested in one thing. Thank goodness it’s not the same thing. Advertisers don’t want the key that unlocks your chastity belt, they just want the keywords that will get the entry you write for them to show up high in search queries relevant to their product, site or service.

Keywords, people. That’s what’s in those nifty little links that pay for lattes, that take a dent out of your credit card bills, that allow you to say “I’m earning a living from my blog!” They are also, incidentally, the very reason why Google slashed the PR of blogs that receive compensation for writing those entries. It wasn’t personal: it was just about protecting search results.

But you’ve kept on blogging for hire anyway, haven’t you? You’ve got guts. You don’t care about PR. You’re determined to have a good blog and, by gosh, you’re going to keep reviewing your little heart out no matter what Google says, aren’t you?

Well here’s a tip: STOP SUCKING.

Stop writing reviews that sound like Marketing 101 blurbs. Stop trying to act as salesmen and -women trying to pawn off various products to your readers. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT.

Your first duty is to your readers. Entertain them. Inform them, yes, but entertain them in the process.

Luckily, if you let go of your delusions that your job is to actually review stuff, you can do both in the process.

Remember: advertisers want their stuff to come up in relevant search queries. You can make that happen and entertain your readers at the same time.

Got a paid assignment to write about something difficult like PEO companies? Sure, you could dash off a paragraph about how they act as second employers, essentially, handling the mundane tasks of managing human resources and payrolls that small businesses find so burdensome to deal with.

OR you could write about how the rising cost of health care is crippling Mom & Pop businesses and hamstringing the entrepreneur. How small businesses generate the majority of jobs for younger workers, older workers and women but are often unable to offer their employees health insurance because they don’t take advantage of the group rates they could get through staff leasing.

Which would you prefer to read at someone else’s blog: a dry and uninformed yet glowing one paragraph “review” written by someone who doesn’t, won’t and can’t afford to work with a staff leasing company, or one that might be a bit longer and better researched but explains how doctors lease student nurses as employees but might bill them out as regular nursing care at a higher rate?

Which one really tells your reader more information?

Which one really is more likely to result in a “hit” for the advertiser?

If you can’t figure out that answer, I’ll give you a hint: it’s not your crappy one paragraph review of a service that you don’t even understand, much less have helped your readers to understand, either.

Oh, and while I’m at it, let me just take a swing at those of you who INSIST on marking every one of the entries for which you’ve been compensated as something for which you’ve received dirty lucre. Get off your high horse. If you keep writing as you have been, everyone already knows you’re getting paid for it. So stop underestimating the intelligence of your readers.

Some of you claim it’s “deceitful” to get paid for an entry without labeling it as such. Know what? It’s more deceitful to invite readers to peruse entires in which you’ve invested so little time that they read like advertisements written by 6th graders. It’s more deceitful to write a terse, “just the facts, ma’am” review and take someone’s money in exchange. It’s more deceitful to hold yourself out as a blogger then foist upon your readers nothing but dry, soulless, uninteresting pablum just so you can make a buck.

Your “hey, I’m getting paid to write this” blogs suck.

YOU have the power to change that.

STOP SUCKING.

(Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes I did get paid to write this review. So there.)

A while back I mentioned that our family had been thinking of switching from cable TV to satellite, not only for the big savings available but also because my football fanatic husband really wants the NFL channel and our cable provider doesn’t offer it.

Unfortunately, despite the numerous Dish Network deals that make the switch even more financially attractive, the 12 inches of snow we’ve had over the past two weeks have VH a bit reluctant to make the switch. The Super Bowl is coming up, after all, and the world as we know it might come to a screeching halt if he didn’t get to see every single second of every single play.

/sarcasm

Anyway, back when I mentioned that we were considering a change in providers, my friend Kim at Musing Minds told me about one of the a special Dish Network Offers that earns a $50 rebate for the person signing up as well as the person who referred them.

So, if you happen to be interested in switching to Dish Network, why not save yourself $50 in the process (while also helping Kim pay the tuition for her Master’s Degree)? Get in touch with her for details about how to get your referral savings.

Let me hereby publicly declare that VH did great picking out Christmas presents this year. In addition to a gorgeous new winter coat, he gave me a beautiful amber ring with matching earrings, and what amounts to a small library of books from my Must Read list. I am WOWED, folks. Absolutely wowed.

I’ll share the titles with you tomorrow, but for now I’ve got a pot of coffee and a fresh stack of reading material, and I can’t wait to get to both!

Meanwhile, I wanted to remind everyone that today is the last day to enter the contest at ITTIB for a free copy of Restaurant Empire. I’ll be picking a winner tomorrow, so get your entries in now!

My favorite song for the holidays, sung by a voice that makes my soul shiver every single time.

Merry Christmas, Venomites. Let’s hope we find Peace in the New Year.