Archive for ‘Celebrities Bite’

November 10th, 2011

Celebrity Breeders

by Venomous Kate

From the moment Beyoncé announced her pregnancy at the VMA’s, the gossip mags have covered just about every aspect of it: what she’s wearing, whether her bump is real, and when she’s due. Considering how the papparazi swarm around her, flash bulbs clicking away the instant she steps outside, it’s a wonder we haven’t all been treated to photos of Beyonce getting a prenatal massage. Maybe she’s trying to lay low right now while we mere mortals recover from learning that her baby will be bathing in a $7,000 pink Swarovksi crystal baby tub. Really.

Fortunately, Jessica Simpson’s been more circumspect about her pregnancy. First, she kept mum on the matter, letting the gossip mags speculate on the cause of her growing girth. Then on Halloween she decided to be mum no more, showing off her bulging baby bump in a mummy costume. Get it? Get it? Yeah, it was pretty bad.

But it’s not just female celebrities breeding like rabbits right now. Nope, back in the news is perennial papa, Mel Gibson, who’s been slapped with a paternity suit by some reality TV bimbo. And just think: the ink isn’t even dry on the judge’s order in Mel’s last paternity/custody lawsuit!

Now, when you give it some thought, the real surprise isn’t that Beyoncé’s baby will be spoiled, that Jessica Simpson’s packing on pounds, or that Mel Gibson can’t keep it in his pants. No, the true surprise is that Kim Kardashian hasn’t jumped all over this celebrity breeding stuff. Then again, a baby requires a lot more than a 72-day commitment.

November 3rd, 2011

Kim Kardashian: Poor Little Big-Butted Girl

by Venomous Kate

When I was a kid, I’d stand in my bathroom using my hairbrush as a microphone and pretend to be a celebrity giving an interview. I actually think I’d make a very good celebrity: I love spending money, have a talent for saying stupid or offensive things off the cuff, and I could easily become accustomed to a life in which others handle my cooking, cleaning, clothing selection and personal grooming. Also, I could seriously get into being paid to party.

Of all the celebrities currently stinking up the headlines, I wouldn’t mind being Kim Kardashian right about now. Oh, sure, I know the Twitterverse is abuzz with outrage over the obvious sham of her 72-day marriage. But who else could turn a marriage that was shorter than the average Sea Monkey’s life into a topic more hotly discussed than the Herman Cain’s smarmy past, the Occupy Wherever protests, whether Conrad Murray killed Michael Jackson, and how Lindsay Lohan is going to get off easy yet again… combined?!

Thanks to Kim, we even have a new measurement of time: the “Kardashian”. Basically, it’s a unit of 72 days of marriage. As in, I’ve been married to VH for 67.67 Kardashians. How about you?

As for Kim’s side of the story, she’s blaming her divorce on “intuition”, saying that she’s just following her heart. Why the hell she didn’t do that before that $10 million wedding (roughly $133,000 per day of marriage) is unclear, but I suggest her intuition was buried the same place her head is.

March 14th, 2011

Charlie Sheen’s New Intern?

by Venomous Kate

Yep, it could be me! I’ve made it to Round Two of the Vatican Assassin Warlock’s intern search. (So has a porn star, but I believe in Winning! without sucking.)

Unfortunately, most of you Facebook-loving bastards won’t click thru and comment here. Otherwise I’d ask you to leave a comment explaining to Sheen why his Adonis DNA and Tiger Blood could use a little Venom.

Instead, I’ll just pick up my copy of Howl and enjoy the show. As should you!

February 23rd, 2011

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Bieber News-Making Hair Cuts

by Venomous Kate

Jennifer Aniston's new hairdo Justin Bieber's new hairdo
Oh, sure, Libya’s on the brink of civil war, Moroccans are peacefully marching on this “Day of Dignity”, and protesters in Bahrain, Yemen and Algeria are urging massive change in their countries. But what’s making the headlines in the United States? Jennifer Aniston and Justin Bieber got new haircuts.

Yeah, we’re not shallow or anything.

Of her new hairdo, Jennifer Aniston is clearly relieved she’s no longer associated with the ‘Rachel’ hairdo, which she told Allure magazine in February was “the ugliest haircut I’ve ever seen”. Meanwhile, the tens of thousands of us who wore our hair in the ‘Rachel’ in the mid-90s can take comfort by noticing how Jen’s new hair makes her look shockingly like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s older sister (or mom).

As for Justin Bieber’s new haircut, which he says was inspired by Ellen DeGeneres’ cropped ‘do? He didn’t just go under the scissors to rid himself of that wretched comb-over look. Nope, he did it for charity.

“I’m giving pieces of it to different people,” he explained. “The thing is, we’re doing something special. We want you to donate it to whatever charity you want.”

See, that’s the difference between the U.S. and North Africa or the Middle East. There, the poor organize marches and protests against their governments even as their leaders turn armies against them. Here, the richest among us help the poor by donating their the floor-sweepings after their latest $750 haircut.

January 17th, 2011

Who Should Host Next Year’s Golden Globes?

by Venomous Kate

Dear Hollywood Foreign Press,

Next time you’re looking for an aging, overweight, snarky and embittered loudmouth with questionable notoriety to host the Golden Globes, please drop me a line. I’m much more reasonably priced than Ricky Gervais (will work for booze!) and chances are my calendar’s clear that night.

Smooches,
VK

September 15th, 2010

The Most Annoying Song Ever

by Venomous Kate

Thanks to my foolish decision to use my clock radio this morning instead of my phone alarm, I started my day with a Wham! song in my head. Yeah, I’m pretty certain it was some DJ’s idea of a joke, what with George Michael heading to jail after his second third fourth drug-related legal fiasco.

Even before this morning, I’d considered this quite possibly the most annoying song ever. Yep, even more annoying than this song. Now that it’s been going through my head non-stop for three freaking hours? Now I am absolutely, 100% positive it is THE MOST ANNOYING SONG EVER!

Unless you can think of one that’s even more annoying? Leave your nominations in the comments. Who knows, maybe we’ll come up with a song list worthy of its own K-Tel release.

August 29th, 2010

The Britney-Lindsay-Paris News Cycle Repeats Itself

by Venomous Kate

If you follow entertainment/celebrity news at all (and I admit, I’m addicted to the stuff) then the past week probably seemed like a big ol’ helping of deja vu all over again. Back in the news, seemingly back-to-back? Brit-brit, LiLo and Paris… only this none of them made headlines for leaving the house without wearing panties because that’s sooooo 2006.

No, this time we’re reading about how Lindsay Lohan is a free woman again after serving jail time followed by mandatory in-patient drug rehab for violating the terms of her 2007 DUI conviction. An incident, by the way, which also involved a charge of cocaine possession that Lindsay swore wasn’t hers. That charge was later dismissed because her “her friend’s” dealer stepped on her stuff so heavily it didn’t legally qualify as cocaine.

Of course, Paris Hilton didn’t get quite so lucky when the Vegas police nabbed her for possession this weekend. Like all things “Hilton”, her stuff was the good stuff… but, like Lindsay (and countless teenagers before her), she swears it wasn’t hers. Uh-huh.

So let us examine Exhibit One, in which we have Paris Hilton swooning over a hamburger which, were it held the normal way, would dwarf her thigh:

There's a reason she's not holding that burger horizontally.

And Britney, whose own stint in drug rehab seems to have actually worked? She’s been walking tall on the set of Glee and, if rumors are to be believed, might actually be walking down the aisle sometime next year. The only hold up? That pesky ol’ conservatorship that still lets her father call all of the shots in her life. Then again, that might be why Britney’s the only one who seems to be, well, growing up. (And, no, I’m not talking about a father like Lindsay’s who wants to open his own drug rehab then make her his first official patient.)

Seriously, folks, what is this world coming to when Britney Spears is the one who sounds sane???

End times, people. Jus’ sayin’. End times.

May 19th, 2010

Thumbs Up For Megan Fox

by Venomous Kate

Turns out, Transformers babe Megan Fox and I have two things in common (and, no, it’s not yucky thumbs): (1) she’s incapable of talking for more than a few minutes without repeatedly dropping the f-bomb, too; and (2) we’re both sick of people calling her talented.

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