Where the hell did the past seven days go? Seriously, is “time flying” a sign that I’m having fun (and, if so, why don’t I remember it?) or is it a sign that I’m getting old? No, wait. Don’t tell me. I’m not sure that I want to know.

So here it is, Tippling Tuesday again — the day on which we Venomites celebrate the most vastly under-rated day of the week. Someone recently emailed me the question “Why Tuesday? Why not Monday, Wednesday or Thursday?” to which I can only respond: because it’s there.

Think about it: everyone already hates Mondays, Wednesdays are “Ladies Nights” at many clubs (although I’ve been told that has nothing to do with the reason it’s referred to as “Hump Day”) and hursdays are the night on which smart people rest up for the weekend (and let their livers do the same).

So why not Tuesday?

Tonight I am sitting here contemplating the perfection that is known as the Bleu cheese-stuffed olive. (Okay, mine’s stuffed with Stilton, but that just makes it extra yummy.) But I have to confess: I haven’t tried stuffing my olives with too many things. I once bought some garlic-stuffed green olives at the grocery store but didn’t like the crunch involved. And, of course, I’ve had the ubiquitous pimento stuffed green olives that taste much the way gasoline smells.

What other yumminess have you stuffed your olives with? Or do you just consider them — as I used to — your daily fruit serving that offsets the amount of alcohol you’re about to consume?

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Tragedy has struck. That’s right tragedy: we’re out of booze.

No, I mean it. There’s none. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not a drop to drink.

Now, ordinarily this would call for an immediate dash to the drive-through liquor store but after ranting about people who don’t plan ahead and therefore use extra gas, I decided we ought to tough this one out. (Not that I think the clerk at the liquor store actually reads blogs… much less reads period). I just don’t want to feel like a hypocrite.

So tonight I’m sticking with TaB soda in a beer mug.

What’s in your glass?

Is it just me, or does it seem particularly quite around the blogosphere to you today, too? It almost makes me wonder how many folks put off filing their taxes until the very last minute.

If you’ve been a good boy or girl and finished your taxes already, then it’s time to celebrate Tippling Tuesday, that vastly underrated and oft’ neglected day. This week, as luck would have it, I have a cocktail recipe that will take some of the pain out of Tax Day for you… even if you haven’t quite finished preparing your returns just yet.

The Income Tax Cocktail
Serves: 1

Ingredients:
2 oz gin
1/4 oz sweet vermouth
1/4 oz dry vermouth
1 oz orange juice
Angostura bitters to taste
orange twist for garnish

Directions: Pour everything in a shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish. Repeat until you don’t give a darn about how the check you just wrote the Feds dwarfs that “stimulus check” you’ll now be waiting on before you can afford to go drinking at a bar.

(Recipe via Slashfood)

For the record: not only is VH1 romantic, but he’s also easy on the eyes.

What, did you think I’d marry down?

Ordinarily, that’s not a problem. Then there are Saturday nights — like tonight — when neighbors offer to split the sitter fees so we can all go out and enjoy adult company together at a place where real human beings (not plastic recreations of them) take your food and drink order(s).

Which means — if you’re appetizer-eating/drinking kind of people like we are — that every now and then the bathroom trips don’t always sync so that the genders are there at the bar holding each other accountable.

Hence tonight’s Stupid Is As Stupid Does conversation:

Her: “Are you here by yourself?”

VH1: “No. Never. I’m married. Nice talkin’ to ya.”

Her: “Well, where’s your wife then?”

VH1: “She’s in the head… oh, no. Wait, here she is now.”

Me: “Yep, I’m here. Buh-bye.”

Her: “This can’t be your wife. She looks so much younger. Hi, I’m Tiffany.”

Me: “Hon, I own Tiffany. The real stuff. Nice meeting you. Buy-bye.”

Her (to me): “Wanna dance?”

Me: “Look, sweetie, didn’t I make this clear? I wouldn’t touch you with my husband’s, well, you know… Buh-BYE.”

Her: “Well, at least let me buy you a drink.”

Me: “Go away. Go away, NOW.”

What, you thought this was going to be a story about some strange woman with 38-DDs trying to pick up my husband???

Bwahahahaha.

Given your surprising quietness in response to the sober edition of Tippling Tuesday a couple of weeks back I wasn’t going to tell you that, thanks to a migraine, I won’t be drinking this evening.

Then it dawned on me: you people are lushes, so I might as well just ask you to do the drinking for me. You know you’re going to be knocking back a few, anyway.

Might I recommend tonight’s cocktail recipe as suitably apropos for both my condition and this annoying day on which people pull dumb ass pranks on one another?

Slow Death
Serves: 1 Venomite

Ingredients:

• 1 oz. Everclear
• 1 oz. Jägermeister
• 1 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof
• 1 oz. Cinnamon Schnapps
• 1 oz. (100 proof) Southern Comfort

Directions:

1. Fill shaker with ice.
2. Add all ingredients and shake well.
3. Strain into collins glass.
4. Repeat often.

What’s that you say? Drinking this will guarantee you’ve got a nasty hangover tomorrow? Darn straight it will, and I’ll most likely still have a migraine. As they say, misery loves company.

Drink up.

Were you a bit too good at pretending to be Irish yesterday? Chances are, spending another night imbibing doesn’t sound all that much fun. So tonight, why not tipple something non-alcoholic but still yummy, like the hot caramel apple cider recipe below?

Hot Caramel Apple Cider
(Serves 1)

Ingredients:
- 1 1/2 cups apple cider
- 1 1/2 tablespoons caramel sauce or caramels, dip
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions:

1. Combine ingredients in a sauce pan.
2. Heat on medium-high, stirring constantly, until caramel is melted and cider is hot.
3. Pour into a mug and enjoy.

For those of you bent on getting bent, you could always substitute Apfelkorn for half of the cider. But just remember: it takes around 10 days for those liver cells to regenerate, so giving yours a break might not be such a bad idea.

Considering that I grew up in California, one might think I’d know at least something about wine. One would be wrong, however. I’ve always been intimidated by the various flavors, vineyards, vintages and that whole swirl-it-in-your-mouth-and-say-something-smart thing.

But we’re having friends over for St. Patrick’s Day dinner tomorrow, and I don’t want to embarrass myself by pairing the wrong beverage with the corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and Irish soda bread I’ll be serving. (Oh, yes, VH will ensure there’s plenty of Guinness Extra Stout available, but even he agrees that we need to offer something else with dinner.)

So I’ve been spending the day watching Gary Vaynerchuk’s wine-related podcasts designed to help everyone from wine newbies, like me, to true connoisseurs. Frankly, I was expecting some hoity toity sales pitch encouraging me to that it’s worth taking out a second mortgage to buy top dollar wine — not that our untrained palates could tell it apart from Cold Duck.

Turns out, Gary’s down-to-earth in his wine recommendations and advice on how to train one’s palate. Now, I’m not sure I’d ever munch on grass or lick wet rocks like Conan O’Brien did just so I could recognize their flavor notes in a particular vintage, but I definitely find his teaching style more approachable than most stuffy wine “experts”.

Unfortunately, Gary hasn’t done an episode for St. Patrick’s Day dinner yet but his forum participants have made some excellent suggestions for pairing wine with corned beef. The best part? Quite a few of them recommended serving a Riesling which I already have and already know VH likes.

Which means Gary and his readers just saved us from having to endure some $8/hour employee at our local liquor barn trying to sound like a wineophile when all he really wanted to do was push a top-dollar, low-quality wine on us. That’s something worth raising a glass to. Thanks, Gary!

When it comes to style and savoir faire, it’s hard to beat James Bond. He’s got the tux, he’s got the toys, and by the end of the flick he’s got the girl with the ta-ta’s, too. His only flaw, in my book: he adulterates his vodka martinis with gin.

Another thing Bond has going for him? He knows how to look good whilst imbibing. Because, let’s face it, no one likes a sloppy drunk.

Which is why I’m ever so grateful to my friend Rita who gave me a Bodum double-insulated martini glass for Christmas last year. Now, I can take my time sipping martinis rather than chugging them — a practice which, I’ve discovered, dramatically decreases the risk of that whole sloppy drunk thing.

So, in honor of the fictional hero of martini drinkers everywhere, tonight’s recipe is the James Bond martini, taken from the pages of Casino Royale.

The Bond Martini
Serves: 1

Three oz. Gordon’s gin,
1 oz. vodka (I recommend Stolichnaya Elit if you can find it)
1/2 oz. Kina Lillet (or your favorite dry vermouth)

Directions:

1. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold.
2. Strain into martini glass.
3. Add a large thin slice of lemon-peel.

(Tuxedo is optional. Bad British accent required.)

So, what’s in your glass tonight?

It’s once again time to celebrate this most under-appreciated day of the week by raising our glasses repeatedly and hoping the week’s over by the time we sober up.

I’ve yet to acquire the courage to try a bacon-flavored vodka so I figured I’d do something a bit more tame using cherries, a bottle of Stoli and a recipe for infused vodka.

Good stuff, that.

The Cherry Martini

1 oz cherry vodka
1 oz DeKuyper Cheri-Beri Pucker schnapps
1 splash 7-up or Sprite

1. Pour ingredients into a cocktail shaker and shake vigorously.
2. Strain into a chilled martini glass.
3. Garnish with a marischino cherry.
4. Repeat as necessary.

So, what are you drinking tonight?

It’s hard to believe it’s already Tuesday, but then again I spent most of Monday in bed fending off a cold. So tonight, as we celebrate this vastly underrated day of the week, I figure it’s time to get some serious Vitamin C into my system.

Hence I’m sharing with you my recipe for one of my favorite Vitamin C delivery systems which, conveniently enough, tastes like strawberry cheesecake. So go ahead and drink up, folks. It’s good for you!

The CheeseKate Martini
(Serves 1)

• 1 part Stoli vanilla vodka
• 3 parts cranberry juice cocktail

Combine ingredients in shaker filled with ice. Shake until your hands begin to freeze. Grab a towel, wrap it around the shaker and shake some more. Strain into a martini glass and garnish with a couple of cherries and a piece or two of peeled red apple.

(No, it probably doesn’t count as your serving of fruit for the day but if you’re drinking martinis on Tuesday are you really that concerned about your health?)

It’s Tuesday again, which means it’s time for all good Venomites to celebrate this vastly underrated and under appreciated day of the week. Oh, Monday’s suck. We all know that. Wednesdays are Hump Day. Thursdays are, for whatever reason, typically “Ladies’ Night” in bars and on Friday we all get laid.

Or that’s the plan, at any rate.

So what should we do with a Tuesday? Why, here at Electric Venom we celebrate booze!

Now, due to an unfortunate accident involving a glass-rack that wasn’t as firmly screwed into the ceiling as we believed, I don’t have a single martini glass in the house. Since I’m a snob (I don’t even drink wine out of a box, much less beer out of… anything), that means I won’t be having a martini tonight.

I do have two ingredients, though:

1. Brandy; and
2. Ginger ale.

One part brandy and 3 parts ginger ale apparently makes a perfectly lovely mixed drink. Thing is, I have no idea what it’s called! Not that I’d be able to order it if I went to a bar, anyway. Nowadays it’s next to impossible to find one that actually has ginger ale, much less non-diet 7-Up.

So, anyone know the name of this fine concoction?

And, while you’re at it, what are you drinking?

It’s been a while since we celebrated this much under-appreciated day of the week which I’ve dubbed Tippling Tuesday.

So this week, in recognition of how long it’s been since we’ve all hoisted a glass together, I thought I’d ask:

What’s the most stupid thing you’ve done while drinking?*

Mine has got to be the time when, a few months into dating VH (who lived 2500 miles away at the time), I called his house and started talking dirty on the phone, rather explicitly. About 5 minutes into it I noticed that he was being very, very quiet. Then he cleared his voice and said, “Kate, I think you meant to reach my roommate — the one you’re dating. Let me go get him because I know he’s going to want to hear all that.” I never was able to look his roommate straight in the eye afterwards.

* Note that proposing marriage, accepting marriage proposals or conceiving children doesn’t count… unless you were already married to someone else at the time.

In response to last month’s fatal shooting at a Hooters in Tennessee, lawmaker think they have come up with a nifty way to ensure such things never happen again.

They want to make it lawful to carry a gun in establishments serving alcohol.

Oh, but there’s no need to worry that someone might get all liquored up and start shooting, folks, because the bill says you can’t touch the firewater if you’re packing heat. Besides, restaurant owners can post signs telling people that guns aren’t allowed.

Of course, that pretty much assumes that people in Tennessee can actually read….

95%ALCOHOLIC

Oh, the fun things you find via StumbleUpon.

My mother-in-law, who is here for another three days, is a die-hard teetotaler. She is so against drinking that if anyone does have a cocktail or two around her she begins fidgeting and pressing her lips together until they look like they might very well go gangrenous.

In her defense, she was raised by an abusive alcoholic. For that reason I do try to abstain when she’s here.

But did I mention she’s my mother-in-law? By definition, she stresses me out. By habit, she sets my teeth on edge. By nature, she prompts me to look fondly at my bottle of vodka at, oh, seven o’clock in the morning.

So, I’m sitting here debating whether to have a martini or two (okay, three, tops) and thus prompt her into being a pain in the neck, or do I realize that she’s going to be a pain in the neck regardless of whether I’m sober and, therefore, I might as well have a martini.

Or, in her honor, a Batini which, ironically enough, is called the “official drink of Austin”, the city from which she hails.

Decisions, decisions.

Before I get as far away from a computer as I can without actually leaving my house (it’s Amateur Night, after all), I wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year.

If 2007 sucked for you, then I wish you a New Year that’s ten times better.

If 2007 was good to you, then I wish you the same as above.

Now, if my ears don’t deceive me, someone’s pouring something bubbly into a glass with my name on it. See you next year, folks.

Be good, and if you can’t be good be Venomous!

I missed Tippling Tuesday this week due to pain and swollen hands. I’m sure that didn’t stop anyone, judging by some of the late night comments I received over the past few days. (You know who you are, and you know that I love you, too, maaaaaan.)

That’s a shame, too, because I’d been saving a few of my favorite holiday adult beverages to share with you. Rather than waiting until next Tuesday, I might as well post them today for all of you folks planning to engage in holiday drinking games over the weekend.

Grog
Serves: 1

• 2 oz. dark rum
• 2 oz. hot water
• 1 tsp. brown sugar
• 2 cloves
• juice from 1 freshly squeezed lime
• 1 cinnamon stick

Directions: Combine the ingredients in a sauce pan over medium heat and stir until the sugar dissolves. Pour it into a coffee mug, garnish with cinnamon stick and enjoy. You don’t even have to talk like a Pirate if you don’t want to, although after couple of them you probably will, anyway.

Glog (also known as Swedish Mulled Wine)
Serves: 6-?

• 1/4 cup sugar
• 7 whole cloves
• 1 bottle Port (the drink dictionary implies red wine might work)
• 6 or 7 cardamon seeds
• 1 stick cinnamon
• 1 cup raisins

Directions: Same as above, except strain the raisins before serving if you prefer, and don’t be surprised if you start speaking like that Swedish Chef from the Muppet show.

Eggnog
Serves: 6

(Yes, this is the raw egg version. You’re drinking booze, for chrissakes, so why worry about your health now??! But for the faint of heart, you can find plenty of salmonella-free drink recipes if you prefer.)

• 6 egg whites
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 6 egg yolks
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups whipping cream
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1/2 tablespoon vanilla
• 3 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1 cup light rum
• 1/2 cup whiskey
• dash nutmeg

Directions: Whisk egg whites in a small bowl until fluffy. Add sugar and whisk again. In second bowl, beat egg yolks and salt together. Add the whites in and combine until well-mixed. In third bowl, beat cream until it begins to thicken. Slowly add in remaining ingredients one at a time except nutmeg. Chill. Serve in glasses with a dash of nutmeg on each.

Fortunately, VH begins his Christmas vacation in about an hour, and that means Martini o’Clock is going to come early. Unfortunately, I woke up with a cold this morning, so chances are I’ll be abstaining but don’t let that stop you!

Although I haven’t mentioned it at this blog yet, last month I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The good news is that at least now I don’t feel like I’m completely insane for thinking that something is wrong. The bad news is that she won’t pony up with the good meds without first trying lower-level stuff like Motrin 800s.

That’s what I get for firing my old prescription-happy doctor.

My friends, bless their hearts, have taken to sending me all sorts of interesting suggestions. One recommends I sprinkle everything I eat with a mix of chili pepper, jalapeños and habañero because the capsaicin is associated with pain relief. I try not to point out that such studies involve topical applications because, with her being a natural blond, I’d have to spend time explaining that “topical application” doesn’t mean bikini-blogging. Besides, I’m already a big fan of the hot stuff but it hasn’t done anything in the way of pain relief.

Then there’s my Ayurvedic-devotee friend who swears that fibromyalgia is an “air diseases” created by built up toxins in the joints resulting from a weak colon. Uh-huh. Her solution? High colonics. Riiiiight. I’m pretty sure my jalapeño habit’s already taken care of that for me, anyway.

I’ve also heard that colloidal silver has helped many folks with fibromyalgia, although it’s hard to know what to believe when it comes to that stuff. There’s certainly plenty of anecdotal evidence on the web from folks who praise the stuff, but there’s also plenty of stuff pointing out that colloidal silver generators sold to most home users don’t really produce colloidal silver at all.

The Feds at one point had launched a major initiative against its claims which promised to cure everything from pimples to cancer. That, some folks insist, is just proof there’s a Big Conspiracy between the FDA and deep-pocket pharmaceutical companies.

On the other hand, colloidal silver used to be a very widely respected medicine and was used as a mainstream antibiotic until the late 1930s when pharmaceutical companies found cheaper alternatives. One form of it is still used to protect newborn infants from eye infections, as a matter of fact.

Me? I’m a big fan of taking all these various claims with a grain of salt… and a shot of vodka, which as any martini lover will tell you can, in large enough doses, also serve as a high colonic. So I’m engaging in a home remedy of my own: an Absolut Peppar martini mixed in a silver martini shaker with ice then strained and garnished with a jalapeño-stuffed olive.

What the heck, I figure it’s about as scientific as all of the other recommendations I’ve received so far.

I have to confess: I don’t know much about wines and I don’t see that changing at any point soon. Every time I’m in a restaurant nice enough to have an actual sommelier, I pretty much let him/her pick out what I’ll be drinking then do my best to get out of that whole weird ritual that begins with the smelling of the cork. I figure they get paid to know wine better than I do, so what’s the point of trying to subsequently act like I know what I’m doing by sniffing, swirling and swishing a glass of whatever they bring me?

My wine-loving friends are always appalled. They’re serious about their wine, man, and more than one of them has asked how the heck I know I’m not getting ripped off by the sommelier if I don’t go through that whole sniff-and-swish routine. That engaging in wouldn’t tell me if I was about to drink Listerine or a wine from the Loire Valley doesn’t matter, they say. It’s just “something one does”.

Which is odd, because I thought that what one does with wine is drink it, not gargle and spit the stuff out. But what do I know?

Meanwhile these very same friends are all abuzz with the police investigation in the Beaujolais region that has resulted in the arrest of five people for transporting sugar that allegedly added to wine. That’s right: they’re arresting people over wine. Apparently the investigation has set off such an alarm among wine lovers that there’s now a run on wines of Loire Valley by collectors determined to preserve the reputation of their collections.

If you ask me, that’s taking wine far more seriously than I ever intend to, but the aficionados that I know all believe it’s a necessary move to protect the “integrity” of the stuff.

“You’d have to be an oenophile to understand,” says one, and I politely resisted the urge to ask if oenophilia is related to onanism. I suspect I already know the answer: even though one involves a glass, both involve a lot of wrist action and messy liquids.

Then again, I suppose the same thing could be said of my beloved martinis, but at least with them the point is to avoid spewing them up.

It’s Tuesday, a day that is underappreciated everywhere except at EV. We love Tuesdays here so much that we’ve given them their own name: Tippling Tuesday!

With Thanksgiving over and Christmas just around the corner, I’ve had traditions on my mind quite a bit of late. For instance, the wishbone from our turkey is hanging by a string in the kitchen window. Why there? I have no idea, but it’s a tradition around here for VH and I to break the wishbone together on December 1.

Curiously enough, it’s also a tradition for me to announce after Thanksgiving dinner “Wait, don’t throw the carcass away. I’ll make stock out of it!” Then, as tradition dictates, I forget about the thing for several days until it starts reeking… at which point I traditionally throw it away.

So what better way to mark this particular Tippling Tuesday than with a traditional drink.

Hot Buttered Rum

1 oz. good quality light rum
1 tsp. sugar (or more to taste)
1/2 tsp. butter
4 cloves
Hot water

Put the sugar, butter, cloves and rum into a coffee mug and stir together. Top with hot water and stir again until the butter melts.

So, what’s your favorite traditional drink this time of year?

UPDATE: For those of you who prefer your drinks chilled, my mouth’s been watering over my pal VodkaPundit’s Bloody Mary recipe, but I recommend going with less than 4 ounces if you don’t happen to have an attorney on retainer. Also, make your own V-8, and if you don’t have a good homemade V-8 recipe, beg for it and I might just post mine in the comment section.