Today, while the blossoms still cling to the vine
I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
‘Ere I forget all the joy that is mine, Today….

Apologies to the late John Denver (and to those of you who are old enough to get that song stuck in your head), but today seems more like a martini day, if you ask me.

Even so, despite the truly weird weather we’ve been having in Kansas, the strawberries are fat and ripe and oh, so juicy.

Which is why this Tippling Tuesday is all about the berries. The strawberries, that is. And, no, I do not recommend drinking this one through a straw no matter how tame the first one tastes. Trust me.

Strawberry Adult Drink

Ingredients

3 ounces vodka
3 ounces freshly-squeezed lime juice
1 cup strawberries, hulled and halved
Ice cubes

Directions

1. Put all ingredients in a blender and whir the hell out of it.
2. Strain into two tall glasses.
3. Garnish with a wedge of lime and a strawberry.
4. Repeat as needed.

(Recipe adapted from here.)

After the second or third round you’ll know just what the man meant when he sang:

I’ll feast at your table, I’ll sleep in your clover
Who cares what the morrow shall bring….

Have fun, Venomites. And sleep tight.

So, who’s your call for the winner of American Idol? Don’t tell me it’s David. I already know that, duh!

Meanwhile, since I can’t help but admitting that Potato Head David Cook has improved dramatically these past few weeks, I refuse to call a winner.

Except this: the David (Caradine) Cocktail.

Hey, if we’re going to have a battle of the Davids, why not one which isn’t afraid to acknowledge it bites?

The David Carradine

1 part Creme de Menthe
1 part Canadian Whiskey
1 part Dark Creme de Cacao
1 part Heavy Cream

Directions:
Mix in the order: cacao, menthe, whiskey, milk. Try to keep the layers separate. Float on the back of a spoon, tilt the glass and pour very gently, etc.

(Courtesy of DrinkSwap.com

Where the hell did the past seven days go? Seriously, is “time flying” a sign that I’m having fun (and, if so, why don’t I remember it?) or is it a sign that I’m getting old? No, wait. Don’t tell me. I’m not sure that I want to know.

So here it is, Tippling Tuesday again — the day on which we Venomites celebrate the most vastly under-rated day of the week. Someone recently emailed me the question “Why Tuesday? Why not Monday, Wednesday or Thursday?” to which I can only respond: because it’s there.

Think about it: everyone already hates Mondays, Wednesdays are “Ladies Nights” at many clubs (although I’ve been told that has nothing to do with the reason it’s referred to as “Hump Day”) and hursdays are the night on which smart people rest up for the weekend (and let their livers do the same).

So why not Tuesday?

Tonight I am sitting here contemplating the perfection that is known as the Bleu cheese-stuffed olive. (Okay, mine’s stuffed with Stilton, but that just makes it extra yummy.) But I have to confess: I haven’t tried stuffing my olives with too many things. I once bought some garlic-stuffed green olives at the grocery store but didn’t like the crunch involved. And, of course, I’ve had the ubiquitous pimento stuffed green olives that taste much the way gasoline smells.

What other yumminess have you stuffed your olives with? Or do you just consider them — as I used to — your daily fruit serving that offsets the amount of alcohol you’re about to consume?

Tragedy has struck. That’s right tragedy: we’re out of booze.

No, I mean it. There’s none. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not a drop to drink.

Now, ordinarily this would call for an immediate dash to the drive-through liquor store but after ranting about people who don’t plan ahead and therefore use extra gas, I decided we ought to tough this one out. (Not that I think the clerk at the liquor store actually reads blogs… much less reads period). I just don’t want to feel like a hypocrite.

So tonight I’m sticking with TaB soda in a beer mug.

What’s in your glass?

Is it just me, or does it seem particularly quite around the blogosphere to you today, too? It almost makes me wonder how many folks put off filing their taxes until the very last minute.

If you’ve been a good boy or girl and finished your taxes already, then it’s time to celebrate Tippling Tuesday, that vastly underrated and oft’ neglected day. This week, as luck would have it, I have a cocktail recipe that will take some of the pain out of Tax Day for you… even if you haven’t quite finished preparing your returns just yet.

The Income Tax Cocktail
Serves: 1

Ingredients:
2 oz gin
1/4 oz sweet vermouth
1/4 oz dry vermouth
1 oz orange juice
Angostura bitters to taste
orange twist for garnish

Directions: Pour everything in a shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish. Repeat until you don’t give a darn about how the check you just wrote the Feds dwarfs that “stimulus check” you’ll now be waiting on before you can afford to go drinking at a bar.

(Recipe via Slashfood)

For the record: not only is VH1 romantic, but he’s also easy on the eyes.

What, did you think I’d marry down?

Ordinarily, that’s not a problem. Then there are Saturday nights — like tonight — when neighbors offer to split the sitter fees so we can all go out and enjoy adult company together at a place where real human beings (not plastic recreations of them) take your food and drink order(s).

Which means — if you’re appetizer-eating/drinking kind of people like we are — that every now and then the bathroom trips don’t always sync so that the genders are there at the bar holding each other accountable.

Hence tonight’s Stupid Is As Stupid Does conversation:

Her: “Are you here by yourself?”

VH1: “No. Never. I’m married. Nice talkin’ to ya.”

Her: “Well, where’s your wife then?”

VH1: “She’s in the head… oh, no. Wait, here she is now.”

Me: “Yep, I’m here. Buh-bye.”

Her: “This can’t be your wife. She looks so much younger. Hi, I’m Tiffany.”

Me: “Hon, I own Tiffany. The real stuff. Nice meeting you. Buy-bye.”

Her (to me): “Wanna dance?”

Me: “Look, sweetie, didn’t I make this clear? I wouldn’t touch you with my husband’s, well, you know… Buh-BYE.”

Her: “Well, at least let me buy you a drink.”

Me: “Go away. Go away, NOW.”

What, you thought this was going to be a story about some strange woman with 38-DDs trying to pick up my husband???

Bwahahahaha.

Given your surprising quietness in response to the sober edition of Tippling Tuesday a couple of weeks back I wasn’t going to tell you that, thanks to a migraine, I won’t be drinking this evening.

Then it dawned on me: you people are lushes, so I might as well just ask you to do the drinking for me. You know you’re going to be knocking back a few, anyway.

Might I recommend tonight’s cocktail recipe as suitably apropos for both my condition and this annoying day on which people pull dumb ass pranks on one another?

Slow Death
Serves: 1 Venomite

Ingredients:

• 1 oz. Everclear
• 1 oz. Jägermeister
• 1 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof
• 1 oz. Cinnamon Schnapps
• 1 oz. (100 proof) Southern Comfort

Directions:

1. Fill shaker with ice.
2. Add all ingredients and shake well.
3. Strain into collins glass.
4. Repeat often.

What’s that you say? Drinking this will guarantee you’ve got a nasty hangover tomorrow? Darn straight it will, and I’ll most likely still have a migraine. As they say, misery loves company.

Drink up.

Were you a bit too good at pretending to be Irish yesterday? Chances are, spending another night imbibing doesn’t sound all that much fun. So tonight, why not tipple something non-alcoholic but still yummy, like the hot caramel apple cider recipe below?

Hot Caramel Apple Cider
(Serves 1)

Ingredients:
- 1 1/2 cups apple cider
- 1 1/2 tablespoons caramel sauce or caramels, dip
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions:

1. Combine ingredients in a sauce pan.
2. Heat on medium-high, stirring constantly, until caramel is melted and cider is hot.
3. Pour into a mug and enjoy.

For those of you bent on getting bent, you could always substitute Apfelkorn for half of the cider. But just remember: it takes around 10 days for those liver cells to regenerate, so giving yours a break might not be such a bad idea.