For the record: not only is VH1 romantic, but he’s also easy on the eyes.

What, did you think I’d marry down?

Ordinarily, that’s not a problem. Then there are Saturday nights — like tonight — when neighbors offer to split the sitter fees so we can all go out and enjoy adult company together at a place where real human beings (not plastic recreations of them) take your food and drink order(s).

Which means — if you’re appetizer-eating/drinking kind of people like we are — that every now and then the bathroom trips don’t always sync so that the genders are there at the bar holding each other accountable.

Hence tonight’s Stupid Is As Stupid Does conversation:

Her: “Are you here by yourself?”

VH1: “No. Never. I’m married. Nice talkin’ to ya.”

Her: “Well, where’s your wife then?”

VH1: “She’s in the head… oh, no. Wait, here she is now.”

Me: “Yep, I’m here. Buh-bye.”

Her: “This can’t be your wife. She looks so much younger. Hi, I’m Tiffany.”

Me: “Hon, I own Tiffany. The real stuff. Nice meeting you. Buy-bye.”

Her (to me): “Wanna dance?”

Me: “Look, sweetie, didn’t I make this clear? I wouldn’t touch you with my husband’s, well, you know… Buh-BYE.”

Her: “Well, at least let me buy you a drink.”

Me: “Go away. Go away, NOW.”

What, you thought this was going to be a story about some strange woman with 38-DDs trying to pick up my husband???

Bwahahahaha.

Given your surprising quietness in response to the sober edition of Tippling Tuesday a couple of weeks back I wasn’t going to tell you that, thanks to a migraine, I won’t be drinking this evening.

Then it dawned on me: you people are lushes, so I might as well just ask you to do the drinking for me. You know you’re going to be knocking back a few, anyway.

Might I recommend tonight’s cocktail recipe as suitably apropos for both my condition and this annoying day on which people pull dumb ass pranks on one another?

Slow Death
Serves: 1 Venomite

Ingredients:

• 1 oz. Everclear
• 1 oz. Jägermeister
• 1 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof
• 1 oz. Cinnamon Schnapps
• 1 oz. (100 proof) Southern Comfort

Directions:

1. Fill shaker with ice.
2. Add all ingredients and shake well.
3. Strain into collins glass.
4. Repeat often.

What’s that you say? Drinking this will guarantee you’ve got a nasty hangover tomorrow? Darn straight it will, and I’ll most likely still have a migraine. As they say, misery loves company.

Drink up.

Were you a bit too good at pretending to be Irish yesterday? Chances are, spending another night imbibing doesn’t sound all that much fun. So tonight, why not tipple something non-alcoholic but still yummy, like the hot caramel apple cider recipe below?

Hot Caramel Apple Cider
(Serves 1)

Ingredients:
- 1 1/2 cups apple cider
- 1 1/2 tablespoons caramel sauce or caramels, dip
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions:

1. Combine ingredients in a sauce pan.
2. Heat on medium-high, stirring constantly, until caramel is melted and cider is hot.
3. Pour into a mug and enjoy.

For those of you bent on getting bent, you could always substitute Apfelkorn for half of the cider. But just remember: it takes around 10 days for those liver cells to regenerate, so giving yours a break might not be such a bad idea.

It’s hard to believe it’s already Tuesday, but then again I spent most of Monday in bed fending off a cold. So tonight, as we celebrate this vastly underrated day of the week, I figure it’s time to get some serious Vitamin C into my system.

Hence I’m sharing with you my recipe for one of my favorite Vitamin C delivery systems which, conveniently enough, tastes like strawberry cheesecake. So go ahead and drink up, folks. It’s good for you!

The CheeseKate Martini
(Serves 1)

• 1 part Stoli vanilla vodka
• 3 parts cranberry juice cocktail

Combine ingredients in shaker filled with ice. Shake until your hands begin to freeze. Grab a towel, wrap it around the shaker and shake some more. Strain into a martini glass and garnish with a couple of cherries and a piece or two of peeled red apple.

(No, it probably doesn’t count as your serving of fruit for the day but if you’re drinking martinis on Tuesday are you really that concerned about your health?)