95%ALCOHOLIC

Oh, the fun things you find via StumbleUpon.

My mother-in-law, who is here for another three days, is a die-hard teetotaler. She is so against drinking that if anyone does have a cocktail or two around her she begins fidgeting and pressing her lips together until they look like they might very well go gangrenous.

In her defense, she was raised by an abusive alcoholic. For that reason I do try to abstain when she’s here.

But did I mention she’s my mother-in-law? By definition, she stresses me out. By habit, she sets my teeth on edge. By nature, she prompts me to look fondly at my bottle of vodka at, oh, seven o’clock in the morning.

So, I’m sitting here debating whether to have a martini or two (okay, three, tops) and thus prompt her into being a pain in the neck, or do I realize that she’s going to be a pain in the neck regardless of whether I’m sober and, therefore, I might as well have a martini.

Or, in her honor, a Batini which, ironically enough, is called the “official drink of Austin”, the city from which she hails.

Decisions, decisions.

Before I get as far away from a computer as I can without actually leaving my house (it’s Amateur Night, after all), I wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year.

If 2007 sucked for you, then I wish you a New Year that’s ten times better.

If 2007 was good to you, then I wish you the same as above.

Now, if my ears don’t deceive me, someone’s pouring something bubbly into a glass with my name on it. See you next year, folks.

Be good, and if you can’t be good be Venomous!

I missed Tippling Tuesday this week due to pain and swollen hands. I’m sure that didn’t stop anyone, judging by some of the late night comments I received over the past few days. (You know who you are, and you know that I love you, too, maaaaaan.)

That’s a shame, too, because I’d been saving a few of my favorite holiday adult beverages to share with you. Rather than waiting until next Tuesday, I might as well post them today for all of you folks planning to engage in holiday drinking games over the weekend.

Grog
Serves: 1

• 2 oz. dark rum
• 2 oz. hot water
• 1 tsp. brown sugar
• 2 cloves
• juice from 1 freshly squeezed lime
• 1 cinnamon stick

Directions: Combine the ingredients in a sauce pan over medium heat and stir until the sugar dissolves. Pour it into a coffee mug, garnish with cinnamon stick and enjoy. You don’t even have to talk like a Pirate if you don’t want to, although after couple of them you probably will, anyway.

Glog (also known as Swedish Mulled Wine)
Serves: 6-?

• 1/4 cup sugar
• 7 whole cloves
• 1 bottle Port (the drink dictionary implies red wine might work)
• 6 or 7 cardamon seeds
• 1 stick cinnamon
• 1 cup raisins

Directions: Same as above, except strain the raisins before serving if you prefer, and don’t be surprised if you start speaking like that Swedish Chef from the Muppet show.

Eggnog
Serves: 6

(Yes, this is the raw egg version. You’re drinking booze, for chrissakes, so why worry about your health now??! But for the faint of heart, you can find plenty of salmonella-free drink recipes if you prefer.)

• 6 egg whites
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 6 egg yolks
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1 1/2 cups whipping cream
• 1 tablespoon sugar
• 1/2 tablespoon vanilla
• 3 1/2 cups whole milk
• 1 cup light rum
• 1/2 cup whiskey
• dash nutmeg

Directions: Whisk egg whites in a small bowl until fluffy. Add sugar and whisk again. In second bowl, beat egg yolks and salt together. Add the whites in and combine until well-mixed. In third bowl, beat cream until it begins to thicken. Slowly add in remaining ingredients one at a time except nutmeg. Chill. Serve in glasses with a dash of nutmeg on each.

Fortunately, VH begins his Christmas vacation in about an hour, and that means Martini o’Clock is going to come early. Unfortunately, I woke up with a cold this morning, so chances are I’ll be abstaining but don’t let that stop you!