Archive for ‘Odd Bites’

December 21st, 2011

5 Creepy Christmas Carols That Aren’t Jolly At All

by Venomous Kate

We listen to a lot of Christmas carols here in the Venomous Household, starting Thanksgiving night. They play while we haul out and decorate the Christmas tree. They’re on throughout the hours I spend in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies and giftable goodies. I listen to them every evening as I sit in front of the fire, reading, while VH watches yet another football game or rerun of the X-Files.

But, despite the abundance of stations in our area that insist on playing nothing but Christmas music throughout the month of December, I refuse to listen to them on the car radio. Why? Because, as a person who actually pays attention to lyrics rather than just humming along, there are so very many crappy Christmas tunes that irritate the hell out of me. In fact, I’ve been known to leap over cats and small items of furniture in my dash across the room to stop these tunes from playing, they irritate me that much.

1. Baby it’s Cold Outside

Her: “I simply must go.” Him: “Baby, it’s cold outside.”
Her: “The answer is no.” Him: “Ooh baby, it’s cold outside.”
Her: “This welcome has been…. (Him: “I’m lucky that you dropped in!) …so nice and warm.
Him: “Look out the window at that storm.”
Her: “My sister will be suspicious.” Him:”Man, your lips look so delicious.”
Her: “My brother will be there at the door.” Him:”Waves upon a tropical shore.”
Her: “My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.” Him: “Gosh your lips are delicious.”
Her: “Well maybe just a half a drink more….”

Seriously, Bub, she said the answer was NO and the conversation should’ve ended there. But what happens instead? Guy starts creepin’ on girl and, already possessing slutty inclinations (notice how she dropped in at his place, uninvited) she starts changing her mind then asks for booze to justify giving in to him. It’s the theme song for horny frat boys and the slutty college girls who can’t handle their liquor! Not surprisingly, it was written by Dean Martin who pretty much embodied a horny, drunken frat boy all the way until his death at 78,

2. It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It’s the most wonderful time of the year,
With the kids jingle belling
And everyone telling you “Be of good cheer”.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
It’s the hap-happiest season of all,
With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call —
It’s the hap- happiest season of all!

Kids ringing bells all over the place? That is NOT my idea of a wonderful time of the year. In fact, it’s pretty much my idea of hell. Oh, and being instructed to “be of good cheer” regardless of what someone might be going through? Last I checked, having one’s feelings and experiences negated and dismissed by others is one of the causes of low self-esteem and, ultimately, severe clinical depression. If that’s how the songwriters, Eddie Pola and George Wyle, treated their loved ones this time of year, I can only assume they were horribly toxic, superficial people.

3. Walking In A Winter Wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman
Then pretend he is Parson Brown.
He’ll say are you married? We’ll say, “No, man.
But you can do the job when you’re in town.”

Apparently, nothing says “I love you” around this time of year quite like deciding to hold a mock marriage ceremony officiated by a golem made out of ice. Unless, perhaps, it’s later pretending after the ceremony that the snowman is now a circus clown but who cares if you’ve already consummated your marriage with a roll in the snow, right?

4. Santa Baby

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing: a ring.
I don’t mean a phone,
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight!

Oh, the ways this song annoys me!* The woman demands a fur coat, a convertible, a yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, all because she hasn’t been as much of a whore this year as she could have been? Who the hell would want to put a ring on that finger?!

*(Yes, yes, I know Eartha Kitt was iconic, her life a true rags-to-riches (back to rags) story, a unique talent, blah blah blah. Sorry, but I can’t stand her voice. And Madonna’s cover of it is no better…plus it requires listening to Madonna.)

5. Frosty The Snowman

He was made of snow,
But the children know
How he came to life one day:
There must’ve been some magic in that old silk hat they found.
For, when they placed it on his head,
he began to dance around…

You probably figured I’d mention “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (“He sees you when you’re sleeping… *insert heavy breathing here*). Sorry, but that song gave me great parenting leverage to get my Big-Eyed Boy to behave himself from Thanksgiving to Christmas, leverage that I lost as soon as some snot-nosed kid at school told him the facts about Santa.

Nope, if there’s a creepy Christmas song that is guaranteed to freak me out, it’s this tune about an mob of unsupervised children who fashion a man out of snow and bring him to life, undoubtedly through some dark magic using that hat as its focusing object, and then they proceed to follow their snowy idol down to the town square where they cause all sorts of mayhem until the traffic cop tries to catch Frosty, who quickly makes a run for it. Think I’m exaggerating the creepiness? Then check this out, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

 

January 21st, 2011

Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear… Dead?

by Venomous Kate

USDA claims blame for mass bird deaths

Photo credit: JMA.work

The mystery behind why dead birds suddenly turned up in Yankton, South Dakota has been solved. No, it wasn’t because someone made them listen to that horrible Carpenter ear worm song*.

Real reason: the gubment did it. Specificially, the USDA killed the birds and since disclosed its involvement in poisoning starling birds at a private feed lot ten miles south of Yankton. Evidently, the birds had been troubling the lot’s owner, with over 5,000 of them crapping in his animal feed. Out of “concern” for the farmer’s animals and staff (if you believe that), the USDA used a bait laced with the poison DRC-1339 which the birds ate before flying back to Yankton.

Also, according to the gubment official, such poisonings aren’t a common practice and they feel awful about doing it.

Meanwhile, no government agencies have come forward to take the blame for dead birds dropping out of the sky in Arkansas, Louisiana (where hundreds of thousands of fish suddenly died), Alabama, California, and Maryland, or roughly 200 Wisconsin cows going teats up. (Presumably, the USDA wasn’t behind the thousands of dying birds in Italy, but you never know.)

Maybe it’s just me, but lately I’ve had a hankering to watch Rage, George C. Scott’s second film as a director, in which he also starred. Nah, it’s probably just a coincidence… like all of those other mass animal deaths for which the USDA hasn’t stepped up to claim blame for.

And now, for your listening pleasure*:

(If there’s headline about EV readers dropping dead en masse I’ll know why.)

October 11th, 2010

To My Friends In The Great White North

by Venomous Kate

Happy Thanksgiving to my Canadian friends! And remember: celebrating Jour de l’Action de grâce is one of those rare times you can claim to be ahead of the States. ;)

August 11th, 2010

This Story Might Put You Off Your Peas

by Venomous Kate

As someone with pretty serious year-round, indoor and outdoor allergies, I find myself sneezing, hacking, wheezing and coughing quite a bit. Of all my myriad allergies, green peas aren’t among them. After reading this story about a man with a pea plant growing in his lung, I might just start claiming I’m allergic to the things.

There was a problem sprouting in a local man’s lung. Doctors originally thought the new growth was a tumor, but when they looked closer, they got a big surprise.

“I was told I had a pea seed in my lung that had split and had sprouted,” said Ron Sveden.

It was not the diagnosis Ron Sveden was expecting. He had prepared himself to hear the words cancer and tumor, but a plant growing in his lung?

“Probably about a half-an-inch, which is a pretty big thing of course,” said Sveden.

Ron had been sick for months. He was already fighting emphysema when his health took a turn for the worse.

“I was not doing too well, a lot of coughing, I was very listless,” said Sveden.

On Memorial Day Sveden’s wife called 911, and he was rushed to the hospital where doctors took x-rays and found his left lung collapsed.

For two weeks they ran tests but they all came back negative for cancer, until one doctor found the plant growing in his lung.

“Whether this would have gone full-term and I’d be working for the jolly green giant, I don’t know. I think the thing that finally dawned on me is that it wasn’t the cancer,” said Sveden.

Ron said he never felt anything growing in his chest, just a lot of coughing.

Doctors suspect he had eaten a pea at some point in the last couple of months and it went down the wrong way, and then began to grow.

“One of the first meals I had in the hospital after the surgery had peas for the vegetable. I laughed to myself and ate them,” said Sveden.

January 1st, 2009

What’s With The Headset?

by Venomous Kate

Since I’m still sick with the crud that just won’t quit, I’ve pretty much spent the day watching television and slipping in-and-out of consciousness. Meanwhile, my intermittent fever and codeine-laced meds have led to occasional confusion over whether I’m dreaming or not.

Like when I saw the “ShamWoW” commercial with the guy who’s wearing a headset while he talks about some cloth that supposedly holds 21 times its weight in liquids (much like my midsection does at least once a month).

Since I could see no reason why on earth he’d be wearing the headset — and since the guy looks a bit like a young Willem Dafoe, whom I’d been watching earlier in Platoon — I figured I must have dreamed the whole thing.

Of course, that didn’t stop me from later looking the things up on Amazon where I ran into one really freaking funny review.

I didn’t dream that, right? Amazon really left that one up, right?

November 5th, 2008

The Art Of Living Through Yesterday

by Venomous Kate

Despite the would-be drama of last night, I went to bed early. Granted, I needed the sleep and, thanks to the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals, I couldn’t have stayed awake even if I’d wanted. But even without painkillers for my injured knee I’d probably have gone to bed anyway. Having said my part and voted my way, I saw no reason for me to stay awake to witness the results. Truth is, after all of the hype and the let downs, by last night I just didn’t care.

Nor did I care this morning. Regardless of what goes on outside of my house, my mornings are devoted to my family’s routine: having coffee with VH, getting the Big-Eyed Boy up and ready for school, then actually getting him to school on time. Those moments are precious to me: they keep me sane. I wasn’t about to let anything interfere with that.

At some point, though, I did realize what had happened. I’m just not sure that I care. Like my knee — which has been injured and re-injured repeatedly over the past week to the point where it’s more numb than anything else — my mind feels mostly deadened by the drama leading up to yesterday.

And so, now what? The decision is made and the outcome was always a known possibility. It’s hard to get too upset over something you always knew could happen. To let it drag you down, to rail and weep about it, speaks of self-delusion more than anything else.

Me? I’ve always been the kind to hope for the best but to prepare myself for the worst, and to never let anyone talk me into confusing the two. Sure, some might speak against assuming the worst of things, but it’s my experience that one couldn’t actually make that assumption if the facts weren’t pointing toward it in the first place. So maybe that’s why I’m fine, although saddened, by what happened yesterday. Having expected it, having spent some time pondering its likelihood, even, there’s just nothing worth being upset about.

With respect to the election, I’ve read a lot of email from people today saying how angry and betrayed they feel. Their messages are rife with “if so-and-so had only…” hindsight, blame-shifting for the past while making cataclysmic predictions about the future. And, each and every one of them have asked, what do I think? My thoughts are simply this: it was what it was. What happened yesterday was heart-breaking, but it was also yesterday.

The art of living through yesterday is realizing that it isn’t really the end of anything at all but, rather, the beginning of a chance to set aside the drama and start something better.

January 13th, 2008

PETA Petitions Prison Over Cannibal’s Diet

by Venomous Kate

Christopher Lee McCuin apparently has Hannibal Lecter’s tastes. Earlier this week the 25-year-old man from Tyler, Texas was arraigned on capital murder charges involving the death — and suspected consumption — of his girlfriend, Jana Shearer. He left the body for his mother to find in her garage.

But that’s not all he left at Mommy’s house:

Sheriff J. B. Smith said investigators found Ms. Shearer’s body with chunks of flesh cut out, one ear boiling in a pot of water on the stove and a plate of human flesh with a fork on the kitchen table in his mother’s brick home….

As if those facts weren’t drawing enough attention, PETA (the animal-rights activist group) wants to make sure McCuin never gets to indulge his apparent taste for flesh again. They’ve petitioned the jail demanding a vegetarian diet for McCuin, saying that it’s up to the Sheriff to keep McCuin from “contributing to any more suffering and death.” Moreover, PETA Vice President Bruce Friedrich warned, the consumption of meat might make McCuin commit further violence.

To his credit, the Sheriff’s response to PETA at least appeared to take them seriously. He cited the Texas Commission on Jail Standards which has strict guidelines for the care and feeding of prisoners, even cannibals. Absent a medical reason, he explained, prison officials may not intentionally alter a prisoner’s meal.

But it wasn’t easy, Sheriff J.B. Smith said. “I kind’ve said ‘pfft’ in a very nice way.”

Very professional. I, personally, would’ve used a different four-letter word than pfft.

December 13th, 2007

Truth Is Stranger Than Stephen King’s Fiction

by Venomous Kate

I’m not much of a Stephen King fan, but I recall reading VH’s copy of The Dark Half and being horrified by the premise: fetus in fetu or, in layman’s terms, an unborn twin growing within the host twin which contains organ systems, and sometimes even entire limbs or more.

The developmental abnormality is said to occur in 1 out of every 500,000 births. In cases where the parasitic twin is less developed — like when Aunt Voula in My Big Fat Greek Wedding talks of the tumor removed from her spine that turned out to have “teeth, and a spinal column” — they’re known as teratoma (which translates aptly as “monstrous tumor”).

So what do you call it when a 1-year-old girl has two deceased triplets — one complete except for limbs and the other with only a hairy head and part of its digestive system — removed from her abdomen?

I just call that gross.