Dear Network Television and Advertisers,

While I’m on the subject of commercials that suck, I would like to take this moment to say that I am sick of Chef Curtis Stone, the guy in the Pledge multi-purpose spray ad, the woman in the Mentos commercial who laments my dirty mouth, and all of the other Brits and Aussies whose accents you advertisers seem to think will make your product sound so much more impressive.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Brits or their former convict offspring from Australia. I don’t even have anything against Curtis Stone. I’m sure he’s a very nice man, and goodness knows he’s easy on the eye. In fact, I wholeheartedly applaud the UK ban on retouched makeup print ads. I’d love to see a similar ban enacted here in America. Then things like this and this would stop.

While we’re at it, those pseudo-telethon “shows” you run during daytime TV to pretend there’s a huge demand for your wares? Or when you try making a commercial look like a news interview? I can’t help wondering just how stupid you think viewers are. If you’re being so openly tricky with your ads, I can only assume you’re just as deceptive when it comes to your actual service.

As for you, Network Executives: enough with the shows about horrible people acting horribly. No, I’m not talking about Big Brother, though surely that show’s run its course by now. This time I’m talking about Whitney and whatever that new show Zooey Deschanel is in.

Oh, sure, it worked for Seinfeld, which is no doubt why you tried to rehash the theme in that awful experiment otherwise known as The New Adventures of Old Christine. But, really, if we wanted to see a bunch of self-indulgent, narcissistic, amoral people screwing up their own lives and the lives of everyone around them, we’d tune into C-Span.

Sincerely,
VK