The winner (despite your “votes”) is:

Schizoid with:
Figure 3b. Atypical pinocchism with no nasal deformity.

Honorable mentions:

Will with:
If you experience your tie pointing sideways for more than four hours, contact your dry cleaner.

and

Ike with:
“Not to worry, Mr. Axelrod… to get the maximum possible impact for each phrase of empty rhetoric, we’ve programmed his tie to indicate which prompter he ought to face.”

The winner for this week’s Caption Contest is Brian J. with:

♫ People…
People who rule people…
Are the luckiest people in the world…
They’re children, our needy children… ♫

And Randy gets an Honorable Mention for almost making me pee with: Lady in Pink Blouse: “Eggs? check, Toilet paper? check, Bread? Check … my neighbors mortgage at the expense of my children’s education? … check.”

I made peace with my Inner Bitch years ago, long before I started this here blog. Since then, there have been perhaps a handful of people about whom I care enough to spare the full force of my bitchiness. Despite appearances, VH is actually one of them. (Trust me, I have been a model of restraint compared to what goes through my head on any given day.)

The upside of accepting this aspect of my personality is that I’ve had to put up with a lot less shit in my life, mostly because hardcore idiots learn very quickly to stay away from me. The downside is that some of my friends are still occasionally idiots who turn to me for advice on extracting themselves from stupid mistakes they’ve made.

One of my very dearest friends, for instance, is nevertheless occasionally an idiot when a large quantity of alcohol and a single male are both in near proximity. Oh, the stories I could tell. Fortunately, when she sobers up she’s usually good at getting herself out of whatever bed situation she’s gotten herself into, although this often produces another dose of drama, too.

But here’s why I like her: if you can keep her away from booze and boys, she’s smart. So smart, as a matter of fact, that she said the other day: “Kate, what I really need is one of those rubber bracelets like Lance Armstrong wears. Only I want mine to say WWVKD?.” (You know, for What Would Venomous Kate Do?)

I have no purpose for telling you that other than the fact that it was a brilliant idea.

Also, since we haven’t done it in months, it’s time to play Word Fugue, that interactive and highly addictive game I came up with for those days when I simply don’t feel like blogging and would rather make YOU do all of the work.

If you’ve never played it before, here are the rules:

1. I start it off with a word. There is nothing special about this word. It simply happens to be the one I thought up when I reached the bottom of this entry.

2. You look at the most recently posted comment. (Obviously, if you’re the first one to comment you look at the freaking word I started off with.)

3. You leave ONE word that comes to mind upon reading the most recent comment. (See above. If you can’t figure that out you’re an idiot.)

4. You may play as many times as you like, but you may not use the same word twice. (Only idiots do that.)

5. Don’t leave links. They’ll only send you into comment moderation, the place that tells me you might be an idiot.

6. Word Fugues that wind up in comment moderation will get deleted because I’m too lazy to separate the idiots from the rest.

7. The game continues until you bore me, at which point comments are closed.

Ready?

Here’s the word:

patio