Kim Kardashian: Poor Little Big-Butted Girl

by Venomous Kate

When I was a kid, I’d stand in my bathroom using my hairbrush as a microphone and pretend to be a celebrity giving an interview. I actually think I’d make a very good celebrity: I love spending money, have a talent for saying stupid or offensive things off the cuff, and I could easily become accustomed to a life in which others handle my cooking, cleaning, clothing selection and personal grooming. Also, I could seriously get into being paid to party.

Of all the celebrities currently stinking up the headlines, I wouldn’t mind being Kim Kardashian right about now. Oh, sure, I know the Twitterverse is abuzz with outrage over the obvious sham of her 72-day marriage. But who else could turn a marriage that was shorter than the average Sea Monkey’s life into a topic more hotly discussed than the Herman Cain’s smarmy past, the Occupy Wherever protests, whether Conrad Murray killed Michael Jackson, and how Lindsay Lohan is going to get off easy yet again… combined?!

Thanks to Kim, we even have a new measurement of time: the “Kardashian”. Basically, it’s a unit of 72 days of marriage. As in, I’ve been married to VH for 67.67 Kardashians. How about you?

As for Kim’s side of the story, she’s blaming her divorce on “intuition”, saying that she’s just following her heart. Why the hell she didn’t do that before that $10 million wedding (roughly $133,000 per day of marriage) is unclear, but I suggest her intuition was buried the same place her head is.

9 Comments to “Kim Kardashian: Poor Little Big-Butted Girl”

  1. Married 68.6 Kardashains here. (That sounds much more like a “maguffin”, In this case, a new measurement for an FTL device in a science fiction story or tv series.

  2. If only I had been smart enough to employ the Kardashian escape. It’s kind of asinine when she does it- but looking back on my own marriage. . . the idea makes me kind of misty

  3. the whole family are kinda weird,I think Kourtney is cute

  4. Funny you should call it a “maguffin”. According to Urban Dictionary, a maguffin is “The device in a Television Show or Movie which keeps the plot rolling, generally a character or situation.”. That sounds spot on in light of how the Kardashians live their lives for TV.

  5. Infidel, I agree the family is strange. They’re incredibly calculating — nothing is done without having a product- or tv-show tie-in. And who the hell dresses in full heavy makeup, big hair, party clothes and stilettos every single moment of every single day?!

  6. I personally like blueberry maguffins, but these days you take what you can get. And you are quite correct, it is the item which allows for the series to do what it does (the Warp drive, and dylithium crystals, on Star Trek, for example).

  7. You mean Star Trek wasn’t all about the replicator???

  8. There was that as well, but if the “transporter” was “down”, you could always use the shuttle. If the crystals were worn out or cracked, you lost power and warp drive. (Naaaa I was not a geek, back in high school, why do you ask?)