Hello. My Name is Venomous Kate and I am FAT

by Venomous Kate

So, okay, let’s clear the air. First off, back in the days when I first started this here blog everyone who spent enough time online to actually write or read a blog was fat. Hate me for saying it if you want, but having grown up as an ugly, chubby kid (thankssomuch Mom and Dad for being such screw-ups), it was fantastic to suddenly appear online and be considered one of the hottest enemies of the planet. And being called “the hottest MILF in the blogosphere” by Timmer? Heady stuff.

But blogging and time have wreaked a toll on my formerly damn near perfect ass. (No, I’m not referring to that pimple.) And it’s not just my formerly damn near perfect ass that blogging has taken its toll on. In fact, my ass is probably the one part of my 42-year-old body that’s still defying gravity. (Okay, that and my boobs. But for reasons that are about to come clear, I’ll be missing those, although not as much as my husband will.)

See, there’s this thing about living online. You live. Online. Your life starts to rise and fall with page refreshes and comments that make your email InBox go “ding”. Breaking news (which usually proves to be neither breaking nor news) can throw off a whole day’s rhythm. What gets you through it? Anything fast and easy to eat, which usually translates into high-sodium, high-fat, high-calorie crap.

And so I, the girl who formerly looked like this:

am now willing to say: notsomuch. In fact, I look like the girl who ATE that girl. (Oh, get those dirty thoughts out of your mind. You know what I meant.)

But, dear Venomites, I’m on my way back there. Starting on Wednesday I’m going on a doctor-prescribed, -supervised, -monitored diet. And, even though it means no martinis for the foreseeable future (I know, I know, “Right before the holidays?”), they’ll be there when I’m done.

As, I hope, will you.

I’m going to be a bitch between now and when that scale shows I’ve lost at least 45 pounds. (Yes, you read that right: forty-freaking-five pounds.) Will I be here taking that bitchiness out on you? Only if you’re lucky. (Anyone but me just hear Clint Eastwood say, “So tell me, punk, are you feeling lucky?”)

I’ll be here, and I’ll be dieting. Because, to be perfectly honest, I want to be here next year being as much of a bitch as I’ve been all these years… I just don’t want to be as BIG of a bitch while I’m doing it.

Consider yourselves warned.

16 Responses to “Hello. My Name is Venomous Kate and I am FAT”

  1. 45 pounds? Pshaw! I wish all I had to do was lose 45 pounds. Still, I wish you well. Maybe you will inspire me to drop some of this belly I’m carrying around. Heck, if mine gets any bigger, I’ll need a bigger screen for my laptop. Cause it’ll be so far away, you see.

    Anyway, all the best.

  2. They say the camera adds ten pounds.

    So all you have to do is throw away five cameras, and voila!

  3. Wishing you patience and will power Kate. This constant struggle is never easy but I figure if I keep trying I will eventually get it right. One minute at a time, one snark at a time, you will get through it and be more fabulous than ever! If you screw up a day, shake it off and carry on! You can do it!!!!!!

  4. I suppose I shall have to show support by drinking your share of alcohol during your drought.

    Go girl. You can do it!

  5. I hear you, sister. 2 kids and an executive-level job where I sit on my butt all day means no exercise. I have about 40 I’d like to lose in fat and 5 to 10 to put on in muscle – the pool in our new back yard, and living on a farm road (easy from-house cycling) and not having a baby should help, and I’m hopeful.

    You can do it, but if you want to do it fast, it’ll be a lot of exercise, and eating a whole lot of things that don’t have much by way of calories. I’m going to take the slow road (goal of end of next summer)…for the long haul, I’m going to have to learn to eat things “normally” and “healthily” that I like to eat too much of – 3 males in the house.

  6. you are still hot

  7. You can do it. Go ahead and be as much of a bitch as you want. My wife really wants me to loose 60 pounds. WooHoo.

  8. That is STEP #1. Eleven more to go. Hang tough Babe. I have droped 15# by giving up diet drinks with aspertain. I found they made me hungry. Now I use the Vita Drinks that are 10 cal/servings (25 cal/20oz bottle). If you need a lift from the 2pm droops the “10 cal Energy is the trick. Good luck.

  9. Slim or heavy, you’ll always be the hottest MILF in the Blogosphere.

    And we haven’t been at sgtstryker.com for about two years. Mom moved it to ncobrief.com so Stryker could sell the domain name. I suppose I should write something one of these days.

  10. Break a leg!!

    Are you trying a specific “program”??

  11. Yes, it’s one my doctor recommended. No, I’m not going to go into details just yet.

    You know how it is, everyone’s got an opinion. Low-carb folks insist theirs is the best way. Vegetarians insist they couldn’t lose weight until they gave up red meat. Atkins folks say fat intake doesn’t matter, while Ornish folks say theirs is the only way to go. And those South Beachers are rabid!

    Suffice it to say that, while I love my Venomites, I’m really not interested in anyone’s opinion on the weight loss plan my doctor and I have selected as being best for me.

  12. Hurrah to that last one. A friend (who knows what she’s talking about) recently announced that she was doing a week-long cleanse and her friends immediately chimed in with tips and advice. SO ANNOYING. I bit my tongue and simply wished her well. As I do you. (P.S. Send cheques.)

  13. Even if you were dressed in a potato sack, you’ll always be babaliscous to me, my venomous little liebschen.

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