Dear Little 13-year-old Dipshit Who Rang My Doorbell at 3:47 p.m. today:
I realize that someone probably taught you that Americans love the “get up and go” spirit, hence you decided to blow off doing your homework after school to sell candy bars for your class trip fund raiser.
That same person would no doubt have advised you not to actually be eating one of those candy bars when you shoved your grimy, chocolate-streaked finger repeatedly on my doorbell, then smacked your lips throughout your 30-second spiel on why I should pay $5 for a bar of stale chocolate.
I also realize that your mom and dad must have been busy working, which is no doubt why your teenage sister (?) sat in her car dripping oil on my driveway while bobbing her head senselessly as 50 Cent thud-thud-thudded loudly on her crappy stereo system. As for her halter top (it’s only 58 degrees out, girl) and ebullient makeup, well, I’ll just assume she’s on her way to a costume party.
Let me just assure you, that was not why I refused to buy your candy.
The thing is, Dear Dipshit, that sign above the doorbell reads “No Soliciting”, which is precisely what you were doing.
No, I’m not surprised you don’t know what that word means. You are, after all, a product of the very public school system which now has you out pounding pavement to hawk products for them.
So, to make a long story short, Dear Dipshit, I didn’t buy the candy from you because, from what I can see of you and your lineage, the last thing you need is to be spending time away from the classroom. Go hit the books, kid. And tell your sister to do the same so she doesn’t have to resort to soliciting someday soon, too.
The Crabby Lady On the Cul-De-Sac
UPDATE: Jeff has a warning for parents who send their fund-raising kids his direction. Geez, and they call me ‘Venomous’.