Dear Little Dipshit…

by Venomous Kate

Dear Little 13-year-old Dipshit Who Rang My Doorbell at 3:47 p.m. today:

I realize that someone probably taught you that Americans love the “get up and go” spirit, hence you decided to blow off doing your homework after school to sell candy bars for your class trip fund raiser.

That same person would no doubt have advised you not to actually be eating one of those candy bars when you shoved your grimy, chocolate-streaked finger repeatedly on my doorbell, then smacked your lips throughout your 30-second spiel on why I should pay $5 for a bar of stale chocolate.

I also realize that your mom and dad must have been busy working, which is no doubt why your teenage sister (?) sat in her car dripping oil on my driveway while bobbing her head senselessly as 50 Cent thud-thud-thudded loudly on her crappy stereo system. As for her halter top (it’s only 58 degrees out, girl) and ebullient makeup, well, I’ll just assume she’s on her way to a costume party.

Let me just assure you, that was not why I refused to buy your candy.

The thing is, Dear Dipshit, that sign above the doorbell reads “No Soliciting”, which is precisely what you were doing.

No, I’m not surprised you don’t know what that word means. You are, after all, a product of the very public school system which now has you out pounding pavement to hawk products for them.

So, to make a long story short, Dear Dipshit, I didn’t buy the candy from you because, from what I can see of you and your lineage, the last thing you need is to be spending time away from the classroom. Go hit the books, kid. And tell your sister to do the same so she doesn’t have to resort to soliciting someday soon, too.

The Crabby Lady On the Cul-De-Sac

UPDATE: Jeff has a warning for parents who send their fund-raising kids his direction. Geez, and they call me ‘Venomous’.

14 Responses to “Dear Little Dipshit…”

  1. Now THAT was funny!

    Christine’s last blog post..Working on the Website

  2. I refuse to do it too. The package comes home, the package goes back unopened.

    Now, when it’s something that doesn’t involve selling, like Market Day or the cute little magnet created from The Little Guy’s artwork – we may buy, but I refuse to send my kids out selling. I always hated it too, when a co worker would bring the selling kit to work…

    Boy Scout popcorn and Girl Scout cookies are different…
    But only with an adult.

    And there aren’t that many boy and girl scouts around, not like all the kids in all the classes at the local elementary school.

    One day some kids from the school came by asking if we would buy wrapping paper. I told them we had the package too. They were flabbergasted, even though they know that The Little Guy goes to their school! And siblings… Across the street they got three packages because of three children in the school.


    kimsch’s last blog post..Lt. Colonel William Russell

  3. I told my 17 year old that he didn’t have to do it (when he still lived with me) and that if they wanted to buy something, I’d send the school a check. I refuse to allow my children to participate in that stuff.

    For the reasons you stated and more.

    I hate, hate, HATE that schools took a perfectly good fundraiser for extracurricular groups and have turned each and every kid in the school into Fuller Brush Men. Add to that, the fact that since EVERY CHILD in said school is supposed to produce a sales report, they do so in – you guessed it – the neighborhood they live in which also houses the 60 or so OTHER kids in the neighborhood.

    Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

    Margi’s last blog post..I <3 The Dropkick Murphys

  4. Don’t hold back, Kate. Tell us how you really feel!

    RichieD’s last blog post..The Ladder of Divine Ascent

  5. Venomous Kate, I’ve decided I want to be you when I grow up. Well, without the vagina, of course. But damn, the venom was oozing out of my monitor screen…love it!

    Luckily, when I was a youth, my parents saw the folly in sending their child out to peddle crappy chocolate and frozen pizzas to get money for the public schools that their elected officials couldn’t.

    Keep spewing the venom.

    Blaine Fridley’s last blog post..Local View: News from the Land of 10,000 Lakes

  6. Nobody ever knocks on my door. I’m so lonely. *sniff*

    Lincoln’s last blog post..Women Aren’t Just Evil, They’re Violent Too

  7. My daughter was in Band. Up front, at the beginning of the school year, when the pitch came for the fund raiser, I told the teacher I was sending in a check for $25 (clear profit)and that my girl was not going out ringing door bells. Take it or leave it. He took it. Nuff said.

  8. When I was a kid, we did this – it was fun and allowed. Now the schools are not allowed to do this as it is considered dangerous and putting a child in harms way. Oh, they have the fundraisers still, but no door-to-door is encouraged at all and only friends and family are to buy bars.

    Parents now, bring their child’s boxes to work and hock ’em there…which I think is way better and probably sells a heck of a lot more because who doesn’t get cravings at work?

    Trish’s last blog post..2 More Sleeps!

  9. I actually think selling Girl Scout cookies was a good experience. I had to overcome my shyness, remember my neighbors’ names and be clean and polite. The neighbors understood because their kids sold stuff back to us.

    Your post was funny — and sad. For one thing, you’re so right. That kid didn’t have the basic skills needed to knock on a door. You wouldn’t think you’d need many skills for that, would you? But not eating while addressing an adult, leaving smeared chocolate or having a streetwalker sister thud-thudding in the driveway should be no-brainers. I think he needs to do more than hit the books. He needs you to adopt him and set him straight.

    I also think that fundraising is so out of control. Too much from too many organizations. Some of our neighbors actually would call us to find out when our daughter was selling Sally Foster giftwrap because they loved it so (can you believe it?). She did that a couple of years and then we told her to stop because she’d learned how to do it and it required too much organization from me. Really, though, the giftwrap was at least high quality.

  10. That’s the funniest damn blog post title I’ve seen in awhile..

  11. Our little ones (in elementary school) do NOT participate in school sales. I feel as Jeff does; I will send a donation, but don’t expect my kiddo to knock on doors to sell junk.

    Michele’s last blog post..Back to the Commune?

  12. I can’t help chuckling whenever I think of people seeing that title popping up in their feed readers and thinking “Uh-oh, I hope VK isn’t talking about me!”

  13. I appreciate your feelings, and they are yours. I have stated my opinion elsewhere (and to the residents where I live), and I will post it here:

    I understand the failure to appreciate or like kids selling wares of any kind when there are “no soliciting” signs everywhere… I refuse to buy their wares either, but my method differs from yours.

    Putting a smile on your lips and providing some education (by explaining to the children what “no soliciting” means) might actually end the behavior you complain about, help educate the children, and prevent those kids from having other pesky children.

    Is it your duty? No. Do you have to do anything at all? No.

    While you are certainly welcome to let those little pesky kids ruin your mood, laughing at the situation might actually be better for your mental health and the mental health of all of those people around you.

    Seems kinda sad that an educated people lets his or her emotions be determined by “other people” outside of their control. Why let anyone whose actions you can not control ruin your day? If you do, your reasoning escapes me…

    However, you are an adult and can act as you wish. I hope you have a nice day, but you might already be upset by my post…

    Counsel’s last blog post..The problem with patents?

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