Tired of diets that don’t work? I know I am. That’s why I’m giving serious thought to going on “the Preschooler Diet”.
It works like this:
For breakfast, you have a small Barney-bowl full of Cheerios with 2 percent milk, four banana slices on the side and a sippy cup of orange juice. Using a spoon with a blue rubber handle, eat half the cereal and dribble the rest of it down your chin and onto your shirt. Take two big sips of juice, try to gargle with it and then laugh convulsively, causing the juice to shoot out your nose. Mash the banana slices into the table with your fingers.
Lunch is a Bob-The-Builder bowl of Spaghetti-Os (fortified with calcium), eight green beans and a cup-with-lid-and-straw full of milk. Eschewing the spoon with the red rubber handle, you eat the calcium fortified Spaghetti-Os with your hands. Wipe excess sauce from your hands onto your pants and make bubbles in your milk. Eat two and a half green beans and then try to force the rest into the straw. Blow with all your might into the green-bean-stuffed straw.
Your midafternoon snack can be any two of the following: Goldfish crackers, raisins, grapes (cut into eighths to avoid choking) or string cheese. You may have one sippy cup of half apple juice, half water. Eat crackers, raisins, grapes or cheese by tossing handfuls of them into the air and seeing how many you can catch with your mouth. Grind whatever you don’t catch into the carpet with your shoe.
Dinner consists of macaroni and cheese, peas and apple sauce. Refuse to eat your macaroni and cheese with only one utensil; instead use both a fork and a spoon. Alternate bites, first using the fork in your right hand and then using the spoon in your left. Eat the apple sauce only with the fork, dripping most of it through the fork prongs and onto your lap. Insert peas into nose.
From watching the Big-Eyed Boy’s eating habits, the description’s not that far off. They just left out the exercise part which involves climbing all over the furniture, tipping over the trashcan, jumping on the newly-made bed, tossing the folded laundry around the living room, painting the bathroom wall with urine, then running like hell to escape from Mom when she realizes what he’s accomplished while she showered.