My internet connection appears to be up again, although I have little confidence that it will stay up after talking to the customer service department. It went something like this:

Me: Hey, my internet connection’s down.

Her: We’re experiencing service problems in (insert long list of Hawai’ian-named towns, all of which sound very similar).

Me: Yes, but I live on the opposite side of the island. What’s the problem on my end?

Her: Is it raining?

Me: Yes, why?

Her: Well when it rains it interferes with the digital cable.

Me: Oh, I see. Did you guys just start providing internet service here?

Her: Oh, no. We’ve been doing this for a couple of years now.

Me: So, is this the first time in a couple of years that it’s rained or something?

Her: Huh?

Me: I mean, are the cables buried in the dirt just a few inches down or something?

Her: Well, no. They’re at least 3 feet down.

Me: Oh, ok. So, what, they dug 3-foot deep trench and threw in a cable like the one I have running from the wall to my TV?

Her: Oh, no, they’re protected in a –

Me: Wait, wait. I couldn’t care less what they’re in. I’m just trying to understand this: you’ve got them buried several feet down in something protective, right?

Her: Yes, that’s right.

Me: Ok, so why the fuck would a 30-minute rain knock me off the goddamned internet? Because if so, I’m going to go sign up with Verizon for their DSL service. They cost less and, more importantly, they use the same lines as my phone and it never gets fucked up after just a few minutes of rain.

Her: (click)

At least I had time to vacuum, dust, rearrange the living room furniture, do a load of laundry and a load of dishes. Oh, and make chocolate chip cookies which, frankly, I’m not usually fond of but my husband’s been begging me to make for a couple of weeks.

Hmm… I wonder if my husband’s in league with the cable company?