Like Two Hams Fighting In A Pair Of Jeans
Dear Woman In The Wal-Mart Parking Lot,
Judging by the three large bags crammed with Christmas decorations you bought on sale this evening, I’m guessing your errand wasn’t nearly as pressing as mine.
You see, I was out of tampons. I was in a hurry. Perhaps you could tell that by the way my minivan creeped behind as you walked down the freaking center of the lane in the parking lot, chatting on your cell phone, oblivious to the fact that you were blocking not only me but also the two cars behind me?
Those honking horns you heard? They were for you, lady. That’s why they seemed so loud and close no matter how deeply you shoved your press-on nail into your ear canal. It’s also why you heard that big roar and a squeal of tires as soon as you finally stepped out of the center of the lane and toward your rusted, broke-ass pickup truck.
No, that wasn’t me racing past as soon as you were out of the way. I was the one who realized that you still had your phone to your ear and thus I opted to communicate my sentiments in sign language. You seemed to understand exactly what I was saying, unless your face is permanently frozen in that horrible grimace, and if so please accept my apology for that.
But next time you could spare yourself and others all of that noise if you’d just move your damned ass out of the middle of the lane and over to the side before someone with PMS and a crappier vehicle decides to take a swipe at you.
Yours truly,
Venomous Kate
P.S. Yes, those pants do make your ass look fat. It’s not their fault.
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Two words:
Awe
Some.
Ow. lol
wg’s last blog post..Evil People
I think WalMart has hired this person to make appearances at all their stores. I know she’s been at the one in my neighborhood of Shreveport.
Donna B.’s last blog post..Binge Drinking Hangovers Last and Last
See I was always a fan of “No, those pants don’t make your ass look fat. It’s your fat ass that makes your fat ass look fat.”
Of course I’m not sure I’ve ever said that out loud with women in the ROOM (to whom it pertained or otherwise, the yin-network is subtle and devious.)
Oh my Gawd!!. It’s a good thing you are so far away and I have never been the “stalker” type because I just realized that I love you!!
Just the right amount of Venom, piss and vinegar, and humor.
almost made me spit milk on the laptop
Outstanding! Another deficit in modern society: courtesy. I know the woman of which you speak. She’s the same b**** that leaves her grocery cart in the center of the aisle so that nobody can pass on either side… while sauntering to the other aisle to get a packet of gravy mix…
Jeff’s last blog post..Stash Your Trash
It’s also the same lazy fat ass who won’t push the cart back to the corral but instead leaves it in the center of a parking space.
Bryan’s last blog post..End of year musings
She’s the reason cell phone jammer’s were invented.
They’re Everywhere! and at Tar-zhay too. And Super K, and even Macy’s… AHHHHHHHHHHH
kimsch’s last blog post..Lost in 2007
I’m rather convinced she’s married to the guy who takes his dog to the neighbor’s yard to take a crap.
The mom of those kids who insist on gliding throughout the restaurant on their wheelies during dinner…
Jeff’s last blog post..Another New Years Good Luck Recipe
… the daughter of the old couple who sit explaining the movie to each other loudly because they can’t hear well…
methinks you have invented a new fugue…
The sister of the gum snapping be-atch who works at the DMV and goes on break right as you get to the front of the line after waiting for just over two hours.
The cousin of the ginormous sport ute driver who never really learned how to do the merge thing, but must be on the cell phone while trying to do so…
Jeff’s last blog post..Another New Years Good Luck Recipe
… the aunt of the baggy-jean clad yutes who pull up alongside you at stoplights with all their windows down, heads bobbing in time to the WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! that accompanies their obscenity-riddled “music”…
But she’s the one who gives those slobbery aunt kisses too, the aunt no decent kid wants to be near at holidays.
Doesn’t she also get lipstick on her teeth?
kimsch’s last blog post..Lost in 2007
Yes, and a wart growing on the tip of her nose. With a hair sticking out of it.
a black hair that’s stiff, like the magnified hair on a fly’s leg - you know, the ones Jeff Goldblum was growing in remake of The Fly!
kimsch’s last blog post..Lost in 2007
When I run into people like that in the store, I like to place something small and expensive in their cart when they’re not looking.
Either that or shop out of their cart. You know the old George Carlin routine? “Hey, that’s MINE!” “Not yet it’s not….”
wg’s last blog post..Evil People
Yeah, but she wasn’t in the store she was in the parking lot. Which makes me wish I’d just run in to her.
Never fear. I had the flu last time I had to renew my driver’s license. I threw up on her. She moved reeeeaaal fast.
Life On The Planet’s last blog post..New Year’s Linkage
That has got to be the best way to overcome the DMV’s inefficiency EVER.
Yesterday we went to Burlington Coat Factory to look for a new coat for the Little Guy. There was one ginormous assed lady in the aisle with a stroller to one side and a shopping cart to the other. Absolutely no way to get by her. I do believe she was gabbing on her cell phone too… At least we could go around in another aisle. We also ended up not buying anything there.
kimsch’s last blog post..Inquiring Minds
How infuriating! I got a new winter coat from Burlington for Christmas. I just love it. VH traded in my old coat (which I’d bought 3 years ago for $25 on sale) and got 10% off. Loved that, too.