This morning I woke up in my pajamas (treated with government-recommended flame retardant) and looked at my clock-radio (U.S. patent-pending, UL-approved, synched with Greenwhich meantime to reflect Central Standard Time) and one again felt glad to wake up in the Land of the Free. Grabbing the Universal Remote, I flipped on the TV to watch some FCC-regulated news brought into my home by a major cable provider currently under anti-trust investigation. Somewhere in my backyard, the Public Utility meter begam whirring faster as I started my day.

In the bathroom — which thankfully still meets code — my toilet, stamped with the required Low Water Consumption seal — gurgled right as I stepped under the water trickling from my flow-regulated shower head. I washed my hair with shampoo that contains materials approved by the FDA, and conditioned it with a similarly “safe” product.

Once clean - and dressed in clothes manufactured by American workers in OSHA-inspected facilities - I wandered to the kitchen to enjoy a lead-free mug of java (which presumably did not contain more than the FDA/ORA’s limit of 10% insect parts or mold when it was merely green coffee beans) and began wondering what to have for breakfast. Eventually I settled on cereal with milk to start meeting my USDRA of whole grains and dairy.

Naturally, since I’m still sick, I took the medication my licensed physician prescribed — which, thankfully, had also been filled by a licensed pharmacist and placed in an easily-identifiable bottle which kindly bears a stamp to notify law-enforcement and, I suppose, me of each pill’s shape, color and government-required stamp. Then I washed it down with a glass of drinking water, made safe for my consumption by our local water service, according to the disclosure they were recently required to send me in the U.S. Mail.

Then I sat down at the kitchen table to go over my son’s homeschool schedule for the day. Although I do not send him to a publicly-funded, state-sponsored school — and, indeed, at age 6 he’s not subject to compulsory school attendance in Kansas for few more months — having decided to educate him at home, I am still obligated to keep records (although not to show them to anyone) to demonstrate that he’s completing the state-mandated number of academic hours per year. I keep those records on my UL-approved, patented, registered laptop (the battery of which was recently recalled under a Government order for my protection) using software that I paid for but which, according to the license, continues to belong to its creator.

Since we needed additional material for the day, I logged on to my Internet Service Provider under my assigned IP address and nagivated my way through the World Wide Web to an educational site I’ve subscribed to (with the agreement that I will not violate their copyright by unlawfully distributing their material). I had a question about one project and so, after agreeing that I will not use the site’s forums for unlawful purposes or the distribution of obscene materal, I posted my question in their forum. Naturally, I had to leave a valid email address to ensure not only receipt of any responses, but to enable to forum-owner to identify me in the event I violate that license and law enforcement wants to find me.

About that time it dawned on me that I hadn’t planned anything for dinner. That means I’ll need to jump in my 5-star crash-test rated mini-van and buckle my son into his approved Child Safety Restraint — which he’s legally required to sit in for another 2 years — before driving the right way on the road going no faster than the maximum speed limit to our local grocery store where I’ll buy a USDA-Select roast along with whatever veggies haven’t been yanked from the shelves over fears of E. coli contamination. While we’re there, I might as well step over the the pharmacy to show them my state driver’s license and sign their register so I can purchase some cold medicine.

Then I’ll pay for it all after swiping my Customer Loyalty card — which tracks all of my purchases and notifies the store, or anyone else who asks, I suppose, if I purchase an inordinate amount of, say, sandwich bags — and, after the register calculates my total and State sales tax, I’ll pay for it all with a check (after producing my driver’s license and assuring the clerk that my name, address and telephone number are correct). Naturally, the money will be automatically deducted from my account, thanks to recent legislation that prevents unscrupulous folks from floating checks.

I’d been awake for less than one hour minutes, and yet I’d already negotiated through a labyrinth of standards, regulations, guidelines, orders, licenses, and laws. No wonder I’m so exhausted by mid-morning!

Now, after all of that, I finally pulled up my own web page (copyrighted under my name), and found Anwyn’s entry informing me that some lawmaker thinks there aren’t enough laws governing peoples’ lives. In fact, we need more. Yes, more! We need a law that turns parents into criminals if they spank their children. One has to wonder if that lawmaker intends to “grandfather-in” that prohibition — no pun intended.

Yeah, I’ve got more to say on the subject. But first I need to research the legality of recommending that a certain elected official’s mother take a retroactive “ovarian mulligan.”

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