Over my doorbell there is what I thought was a rather straightforward, simple sign that says:
No soliciting.
No drop-ins.
No means NO.
Despite this, I regularly get little dipshits ringing my doorbell in search of money for their Scout Troop, their sports team, their band trip to Disney World. (That one was my daughter, so I actually did make an exception.)
Today’s doorbell ringer took the cake. Red pigtails. Freckled face. Perky little birdlike voice that sounded like a screech to my hungover ears. She was about my height and, for the record, I am short. Seriously, short. Unless, of course, you happen to meet the legal definition of a dwarf, in which case I tower over you by almost 2 1/2 inches. And one of the problems of being a short adult is that kids from 4th grade on up are almost all as tall as, if not taller, than I am.
They also figure that, because we see eye-to-eye, we see eye-to-eye. So, rather than getting addressed as Mrs. or even Ma’am, I get addressed by preteens like I’m one of their peers, with none of the formality they usually feign for taller, more imposing adults. I hate that.
I particularly hate it when said preteen is standing on my front porch, looking for all the world like Pippi Longstockings, and ignoring the damn sign to ring my doorbell on a Saturday morning because her Spanish class is going to Mexico but not all of them can afford it and so, would I please, please, pleeeaaaaase contribute to their fundraiser.
I blinked. I glanced pointedly at the sign above my doorbell. I looked at her and blinked again.
“Do you KNOW what ‘No soliciting’ means?” I asked her?
“Sure, it means I can’t sell you anything,” she chirped. Damn if the girl didn’t get a sly look on her face, too. “But I’m not selling” — and here she used air quotes — “anything. I’m just asking for money.”
“You’re a dipshit,” I said.
Her little face grew solemn. She studied her toes. She was caught, and she damn well knew it. “So, does this mean you won’t contribute?” At this point her voice had lost that bright, ear-hurting pitch so favored by young girls.
“Tell you what,” I said. “You come on in and clean my living room, my kitchen and my bathroom and I’ll give you $50 for your time. Then you can use that for your trip if you want, or for an iPod or whatever. Sound good?”
“You want me to WORK for a donation?” From the look on her face you’d think I’d just ripped a kitten’s head off and bathed myself in its blood. “Seeeeeeeeriously???”
“Well, I fucking had to work for it,” I said, “and if you paid attention in school you’d know that begging a stranger to give you money to pay for something you want is pretty much THE definition of soliciting!”
So there’s my Saturday morning so far: I made a little girl cry. How’s your day going?
Saturday, August 29th, 2009, 10:38 am | 
My Venomous Life | 
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August 29, 2009 at 10:44 am
I don’t know which annoys me more: organized begging like that, or unorganized begging, which usually takes place out in the street.
August 29, 2009 at 10:55 am
Oh damn, that was priceless! I love your sign btw. I’d put one up, but we’re regularly hit by bible-thumpers and nothing but a pissed off dog gets rid of them.
Gosh, what an annoying little girl. To not take the hint given by the sign, definitely not very bright. I’d say she deserved that. Maybe she’ll wisen up and stop acting like a spoiled brat.
August 29, 2009 at 11:21 am
I can’t help but giggle. Does that make me a mean person? I’m okay with that.
August 29, 2009 at 11:21 am
Priceless!! We just moved and so far no beggars; of course they would have to get through the get first, but I’m sure it’s bound to happen sooner or later!
August 29, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Ooh, you are so mean! There’s a reason that until twenty years or so ago, women were not allowed to go into combat. They would be too vicious.
My problem is that I live in a tiny litle village where everybody knows each other and my daughter will be with the same 20-kid class for 13 years. K-12. So I am nice to the kids and it has creeped into other areas of my life — I am nice to Jehovah’s witnesses and Mormons, too.
August 29, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Great laugh for a Sunday morning in paradise. The Venom is back…
August 29, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I once enraged a teenaged boy who begged me for money while I was getting gas. “Pump my gas and I’ll give you a dollar.” I offered. “I’m not gonna pump your gas you stupid *itch!” was his reply. It made me laugh.
August 29, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I love it! The sad thing though is many adults don’t know the meaning of the words “No Soliciting” either. We had a sign on our house as well and were often bothered not only by kids but adults too. Dorks!
August 30, 2009 at 2:51 pm
todays kids do think everything should be given to them,its really sad
August 31, 2009 at 1:00 pm
That’s awesome!
I once had some adult ring my bell, selling certificates for a newly opened massage parlor. I stopped him mid-pitche and went on and on about my professional masseus husband and how aweome it was to never have to pay for that service. Yes, I lied.
And I’ll lie to every single solicitor. Because I can.
In other news, I’m raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society! But I won’t ask you to donate; you might hunt me down!
September 1, 2009 at 4:57 am
love the new pic,you are beautiful
September 1, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Thank you, Infidel. I don’t feel beautiful, so your compliment really made my day!
September 1, 2009 at 5:20 pm
You know, I may have to remember that trick.
September 3, 2009 at 2:26 pm
You are so much stronger than I.I’m good at scaring off jehovah’s witnesses and the like.They think me and mine are odd. Doesn’t help we send all their mail back covered in pentagrams. I guess I’m lucky we don’t have too many kids in the neighborhood.
September 5, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Love the sign. Going to have to get one and hang it over the doorbell too.
September 14, 2009 at 10:14 pm
I hate you because you didn’t tell me you were back on Venom (not really, you just gave me something to look forward to)
My take on this annoying pass time of our school system is this: When my talented musical daughter went into 8th grade band I was told that part of the “BAND LIFE” was going out and selling all manner of crap to raise money for the band to go hither and yon and do this or that. I told the band music department head my girl wasn’t going to do that! He repeated himself. I told him I would write him a check for $25 right now and my girl would not be a peddler….He took the money and agreed. Can you imagine how much of that stuff they have to sell to clear $25?
So happy to see you back
September 15, 2009 at 9:28 am
After spending more money than I can count to help my daughter through 10 years of various fundraisers, we just write donation checks when my son has school fundraisers now, too. Seriously, I do NOT need more magazine subscriptions, crappy chocolate bars or over-sweetened cookie dough.
And, sorry I didn’t send out a mass email announcing my return. Honestly, I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
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September 3, 2009 at 5:47 am