When it comes to picking out stocks, I suck. The magnitude of my suckage pales in comparison with VH’s and yet it’s still inescapably there. I couldn’t pick a good stock out of a lineup if my life depended on it and, in fact, I have a proven track record for buying stocks in high-performing companies just days before they declare bankruptcy.

I’ve poured over prospectuses (prospectii?). I’ve read all of the advice on Motley Fool. I’ve even taken one of their courses which promised — promised — to help me make better stock choices. So, ok, I didn’t learn better than to avoid buying stocks just because their initials are the same as my husband’s, but I did learn a healthy respect for emini trading and those who can make money at it.

Of course, by that point it was obvious I was not one of those people. Not yet, at least. My idea of smart trading was doing a good Gordon Gecko impression: “Buy it, dammit! Wait, hold on — the price went up ten cents per share. Sell it now! SELLLLLL!!!!” Which, really, makes no sense when you’re only buying two, maybe three shares at a time — peanuts compared to most emini deals. But it felt good, and VH rather liked how I looked suspenders.

At one point, I logged on to my account and realized that the cost of selling my remaining stocks exceeded their combined value. Which meant, obviously, that I had to hold on to them, and that meant I forgot completely about them. That was two years ago.

Today, having received an email from my online trading company, I remembered those stocks and decided to check up on them. Perhaps they’d gained value since the last time I looked? So I logged in, visions of having doubled or even quadrupled my investments dancing in my mind.

They have, in fact, increased in value: I can now afford to sell off shares in each of the poor-performing companies I picked out and have a little profit to show for it.

Just enough, as a matter of fact, to buy a Whopper, Jr. It’s on the 99-cent meal menu, right?

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