An Update On My Father-In-Law
If you’ve been following me on Twitter, you may have caught my announcement Tuesday evening that I was planning a trip to Minnesota to be with my father-in-law, who is dying from esophageal cancer. Last weekend, tired of the vomiting and bleeding he’d been experiencing after meals, he chose to stop eating. His health has been in rapid decline ever since.
My husband has been up north with his family for a little over a week now. That’s a blessing for all of us: not only is VH there with his father, he’s also able to help take care of him and provide emotional support for his mother. I’d thought about going up there, too, so I could be with my father-in-law in his final days.
The Big-Eyed Boy did not handle that announcement well. Not at all, as a matter of fact. Late Tuesday night he woke up after having a nightmare, and we spent most of the night together awake and talking. At only 8 years old, this is all quite overwhelming for him, and despite our best efforts to shield him from some of the stress it’s nevertheless affected him. Yesterday I let my son stay home for a “mental health day” and promised him I wouldn’t go up north because, when it comes down to it, he needs one of his parents home to help him through this.
As it is, I’m not sure taking a trip to Minnesota would really do much for anyone except, perhaps, me. After five days without food, my father-in-law has reached a state where he most likely wouldn’t even know I was there. Even if he did, I’m sure my presence wouldn’t help him feel better: for some reason he’s started to think of his passing as a burden on everyone. Perhaps that’s the way of these things: having cared for our family members throughout our lives, when we come to the end we find it hard to surrender to their caring in return.
So I’m here, and most likely I’ll be blogging… although, in all honesty, right now I’m not feeling terribly motivated to do so. I’m finding it hard to get motivated to do much of anything, really, except to sit quietly and think about the great man whose life is coming to such a swift, painful end. I’ve yet to make my morning phone call to VH to find out how things are going up there. Truth is, I’m a bit afraid to know.
Your prayers are appreciated, as is your understanding if I don’t blog for a bit… or, conversely, if blog about more light-hearted things. We each deal with death in our own way, I suppose. I’m finding that “my way” seems to change with each passing moment.
And now, I have a phone call to make.
UPDATE: I just got off the phone with my father-in-law. He sounds as weak as one would expect, and yet surprisingly cheerful. When I offered to have the Big-Eyed Boy call him after school today he readily agreed. I asked him: “You don’t have a golfing tee time or anything that’ll have you too busy to talk around 3:30, do you?” We both had a good chuckle, and he assured me he’d make room in his social calendar to talk to his grandson.
*never tease someone who is dieting* *never tease someone who is dieting* *never tease...
As always hon, you and yours are in our prayers.
All my love to you and your family, Kate.
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indeed.
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You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
Lisas last blog post..Bitter, Party Of Eight? Your Table Is Ready…
Such a painful and stressful time for all. Sending much aloha to you all. Hold the boy close – death is confusing enough for us bigger folks, incomprehensible to little guys.
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Kate,
You and your family have been in my thoughts for some time now. It’s been a trying and emotional time for all of you, but I believe you made the right decision for your son, he does need one of his parents to help HIM deal with all of this.
We can try to shield our kids from the harsh realities of life and death, but they know, they may be young, but they hear snippets of conversations, they see the strained looks on faces, they know what’s going on without being told much at all.
You are doing the right thing for him, and who knows, it could turn out to be the right thing for you and you just don’t know it yet.
I will continue to keep your family in my thoughts, and you.
Take care.
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It’s difficult no matter how you handle it. Your husband is there with him and that’s the important thing. You’ll be there for your husband when it’s all over. That’s what counts.
Right now both he and his mother are “busy” being with your FIL. When he is gone is when they will need the extra support the most.
Prayers for all of you.
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I can only agree with what everyone else has said. Just know your family is my thoughts and prayers. {{{hugs}}}
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I’m so sorry Kate. I’m glad that your husband is at least able to spend those last precious moments with his father and be there for his mother.
Take care and you don’t have to explain anything to else. We all understand and are with you and the family.
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May you have the strength to support and endure, and may your father-in-laws’ journey occur with your strength and support.
My heart and prayers are with your family. I can imagine your FIL’s decision was not made lightly and I hope he spends his final time here in a state of peace.
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You have all of that going on and still have enough presence of mind to send us a present off our baby registry. My hat’s off to you, Kate, you’re one of a kind.
I didn’t get around to posting something about it, but I’ll certainly make an extra effort to tonite. In the meantime, Red and I are thinking of you and your family, and we wish you well.
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Your father-in-law sounds like a wonderful person, I can only imagine how tough this is for all of your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
You and your family are in our thoughts.
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T’s & P’s…
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Can you take Big Eyed Boy with you? My daughter visited my dying aunt with me when my daughter was about nine. I worried about the visit but she was okay. Better than I was.
I’m so glad you had a good phone visit and hope the conversation with Big Eyed Boy went well. What a blessing for your FIL.
That’s a really nasty cancer. I’m so sorry.
Yes, you and your family are in my prayers.
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Kate –
This is from my mother’s eulogy, which I delivered yesterday. I hope it brings you as much comfort as it brought me:
Cancer is a terrible disease, and, while you hope for the best, sometimes you know that best that you want is simply not possible. I recently read a passage in Debbie Macomber’s book, Someday Soon, that touched a deep chord:
“With faith the size of an avocado pit, I expected God to heal Michael. He did, of course, but not in the way I anticipated. Michael’s free of illness now. It took me a long time to understand that.”
I found great comfort in that sentiment, and I do believe that Mom is now healed, whole and with her Lord and Savior… and with all the other good souls, including my father, who have gone before her.
_____
I’m keeping you and the entire Venomous Family in my prayers.
Leslie
Kate,
Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Having nursed my father at the end while my husband was unable to attend, I shall presume to understand a bit of what you’re going through – even if we can never truly know what another experiences.
I thought I would share with you a piece of advice I received from a family member who’d lost her husband to cancer shortly before I lost my dad – she said “Do whatever you need to do to make it through and be prepared to pay the price”.
Some people may judge our decisions harshly, but in the end, we are the only ones who need to be able to live with them. DH is where he needs to be. You are where you need to be for your son. The rest of the family will understand (or not) but it is not their call to make.
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I’m so sorry to hear about this, Kate. As long as I’ve known you, tho, you’ve always put family first, even before blogging. And blogging can be therapeutic, as you also already know. So do what you need to do. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. {{{Kate}}}
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I’m so sorry to hear about this, Kate. As long as I’ve known you, tho, you’ve always put family first, even before blogging. And blogging can be therapeutic, as you also already know. So do what you need to do. My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. {{{Kate}}}
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