Note to the old man who lives behind my mother’s house:
You’re welcome to stand there as long as you like in your button-up short sleeve shirt, Bermuda shorts and black ankle socks, glaring at me with your hands on your hips for daring to smoke on the patio.
You can even keep up with the feigned coughing and waving your gnarly, liver-spotted hand in front of your face, muttering to yourself about how bad smoking is for people.
Thing is, I wouldn’t be sitting out here working on my laptop if you were smart enough to secure your home wi-fi.
So I guess, really, we both have you to thank.
Sincerely,
VK
Thursday, October 23rd, 2008, 3:36 pm | 
My Venomous Life | 
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October 23, 2008 at 6:34 pm
When I read the headline I thought you were banning me from your blog.
WHEWW!
October 23, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Silly old man. What a waste of what few years he has left. Not at all to my liking.
When I am an old man I envision myself sitting on my front porch swing every morning, and again in the middle of the afternoon gently sipping on my mint julep, and reading a fine novel.
I will also have a nice pile of freshly mde dirt-clods within arm’s length so when those bratty elementary school kids walk past my yard on their way to and from school, I can huck a clod the size of my fist at ‘em, and yell at them to keep off my yard!
Jeffs last blog post..Happy Birthday, Papa!!
October 24, 2008 at 1:35 am
Sounds the reverse situation my daughter was in last summer. As soon as the pool water got warm enough to get in, she got new neighbors directly behind her house. She said she could not believe that odor of his cigar was 1) so foul and 2) could so easily waft into her yard over a 7 foot concrete block fence.
Her WiFi is secured
Donna B.s last blog post..Defining What I Want From Genealogy Research
October 24, 2008 at 8:03 am
haha my sister does the same thing. whether on the phone or in person. whines about my smoking and gets all sarcastic. Gets old and boring. Just smile and blow smoke his way.
~kats last blog post..Twitter Updates for 2008-10-23
October 24, 2008 at 9:03 am
Silly old man. What a waste of what few years he has left. Not at all to my liking.
October 25, 2008 at 7:40 am
I hate cigarette smoke (it stinks!), and I hate not being able to walk into buildings or sit in my own backyard because somebody’s stinky smoke is billowing everywhere.
“If I see you smoking, I will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
You keep your smoke out of my yard, and I’ll keep my dog’s crap out of your yard.
October 25, 2008 at 9:43 am
Dear Nita,
You are a poor, misguided twit. What you describe is assault. Period. Your right to enjoyment of property does not supersede my right. It is not greater or more important. I don’t have such a radical response to your flatulence, your cooking, or your perfume. And I would never consider assaulting you because you chose to enjoy that nasty stuffed cabbage while sitting on your porch.
But what you describe is clearly assault. If directed at me, it would be met by an appropriate and legal response. VK is penning this post from Texas and I happen to live in that state. You might do well to actually learn what an appropriate and legal response is to assault. It mirrors the statutes in most of the other states.
I’d invite you over for a block party, but I fear that the smell of brats on the grill along with the cigar smoke might offend your delicate sensibilities.
Jeffs last blog post..Supporting Gun Control
October 25, 2008 at 10:01 am
Wait, now you’re grilling brats instead of merely throwing dirt clods at them? I’m up for that! ;P
Puns aside, that does provide for a good analogy: if I’m in my yard and someone else’s kids are so loud that I can hear them, do I have the right to hose said children down? Would their parent mind if I stood screaming at them because their noise drifted over to my property?
And what about the times the neighbor’s lawn mower interrupts my ability to sit on my deck and read in peace and quiet? Do I have the right to shoot the thing?
Then there are the times, particularly in the winter, when a person decides to warm their car up in the driveway before going to work. I don’t have to get up quite so early, so inevitably the noise disturbs my sleep. (And if I were sleeping with the windows open the exhaust would overwhelm my Cote Bastide Ambre room fragrance.) So, can I stick a potato in the exhaust pipe and call it protection of MY property?
Of course not.
It’s a freaking cigarette. It’s done in 7 minutes. Get the fuck over it.
October 25, 2008 at 12:27 pm
yeah.
Jeffs last blog post..Supporting Gun Control
October 26, 2008 at 8:51 am
Assault? For letting my dog crap in your yard. That’s not assault. That’s just lack of common decency for not picking up after my dog. Nobody has ever been arrested for assault for not picking up dog poo.
I was talking about common things that people find offensive that other people don’t think about. Your cigarette smoke is a carcinogen. My dog’s poo is a nuisance and may harbor some parasite or disease. Who knows?
There’s a big difference between cigarette smoke and grilling. Neighbor’s kids bugging you? Talk to the parents. For us, it’s the neighbor’s dogs barking all night. We talk to them and try to come up with something that will make both parties happy.
Shooting the lawn mower or putting a potato in a tailpipe are much different than not picking up a pile of dog poo. Like I said, I was talking about those common decencies. I don’t mow my lawn at 5 am. I do it at a time that most common people will be up and not disturbed by the noise. I also don’t warm up my car on the cold mornings – not good for the environment. I use common sense – I’m not the most important person in the world, and I try to think how my actions will affect those around me.
Cigarette done in 7 minutes? If it were just one, fine. But it’s never just one a day is it? And it’s person after person after person. Standing outside doors of most businesses, blowing their smoke on me. Smokers don’t realize how much that crap stinks and sticks to everything it touches. Nasty stuff.
October 27, 2008 at 8:30 am
Nita,
You cannot even keep your rhetoric straight, can you?
“If I see you smoking, I will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
That is assault. Period. Your perfume or grilling is offensive to me in the same way that my tobacco smoke is offensive to you. Your rights are not better or more important than mine. Your annoying spew into the atmosphere is not less impactful than mine.
You are cordially invited to kiss my narrow, bony ass. I’ll give you a couple of days to sell tickets and draw a crowd.
Jeffs last blog post..Phở for Whitey
October 27, 2008 at 9:07 am
Methinks Jeff is jonesing for a Marlboro.
Lighten up, before I decide to come over and take Nita’s dog’s poo, light it on fire, and throw it at both of you.
wgs last blog post..And the vote is in!
October 27, 2008 at 12:02 pm
No, not really. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in nearly 20 years. But I do enjoy a bowl of tobacco in my briar pipe, am fond of the occasional cigar and am a bit adamant in protecting my personal freedom.
I did see the smiley face, though. It gets my dander up when somebody think that their rights are more important than mine.
Jeffs last blog post..Phở for Whitey
October 27, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Ultimately, each man’s (or woman’s) rights are their own to exercise, defend, or allow to be trampled. Most of the time, people accomodate somewhat (thus the oft-cited statement by Justice Holmes about where one’s rights begin and end).
My dad used to have a great comeback for people asking to smoke in his office or truck. “Depends. Do you mind if I stand on my desk and urinate on you?”
wgs last blog post..And the vote is in!