Do You Know Where Your Teen Driver Is?
Ever since last June when my daughter turned 16 years old, she’s told anyone who’ll listen that I am the World’s Meanest Mother. You see, despite her regular begging, I put off taking her to get her driver’s license. As far as I’m concerned, a child who can’t remember to bring her laundry downstairs before it sprouts furry green mold can’t be trusted to remember things like paying attention to stop lights, speed limits and traffic laws.
Unfortunately, her father has far more faith in her memory than I do. He’s also the World’s Greatest Dad — or at least he was for the 24 hours after he took her to get her driver’s license in December. Now that he won’t buy her a car, well, he’s getting a taste of what I endured for six solid months.
The thing is, now that she is officially a teen driver there are some good solid reasons to go ahead and get her a car of her own. Those Taco Bell runs I’m fond of making late on Saturday nights would be infinitely easier if I could get my kid to do them for me. Also, I have a half-dozen boxes of things I want to donate to Goodwill, but I’ve been too lazy to take them myself. Loading them into my kid’s car would increase the likelihood of getting the crud out of my house and into someone else’s.
But it’s not all about me. Some of my motivations actually benefit others, too. See, my daughter lives with her father and step-mother over 2 hours from our house. Giving the kid a car of her own would save hours of driving each weekend if they could just point her toward the others’ house and let her schlep herself back and forth. It’d save VH hours of driving her back on Sunday afternoons, too. Generous, aren’t I?
So the other day when my daughter started begging my husband to buy a car for her, I wholly supported the notion. With one caveat: she’d have to agree to let us put in a gps tracking device so we’d know about her driving habits.
Much to my surprise, she readily agreed. Then I realized why: she doesn’t understand just how accurate GPS tracking systems are are. She has no idea that the vehicle tracking devices can pinpoint a car’s location to within 6 feet, which is why GPS car tracking has helped law enforcement solve murder cases. (See the video demonstrating a GPS vehicle tracking system’s accuracy.)
She also doesn’t understand that, in addition to real-time reporting, we can review a historical record of where she’s been, how long she stayed there, and how fast she drove between locations. All of which, when you think about it, is much like having a parent in the car with her — but without the nagging.
So even though my husband and I have not yet agreed on whether to buy her a car, we have agreed that if we do the very first thing we’ll do is install a GPS tracking key. Then we’ll sit down with my daughter and explain to her the wealth of information we’ll be able to access.
Oh, I know there are some folks who think that’s all a bit Orwellian. We prefer to think of it as helping our daughter become a more responsible driver by using the GPS system to hold her accountable for her actions. We can’t always ride along with her, but we can ensure that she knows we might as well be.
*never tease someone who is dieting* *never tease someone who is dieting* *never tease...
I’m with you 200%, though my daughter hasn’t asked for a car yet. She’s asking for her license (she turned 16 last April), but we’ve refused. Her High School is across the street. Across another street is Starbucks, McDonalds, Baskin-Robbins, an ATM, and a grocery store. 3 streets over in the other direction are her two best friends.
I explained that that doesn’t justify the expense of a license, and the doubling of my monthly insurance bill.
I also told her if she could pay for those things, she could get a license. So far, she hasn’t ponied up. 
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Ugh, the insurance. We’re doing the same things: she has to pay for her own insurance on any car she gets by paying me monthly for it. (We can add her to our policy for less than her father can.)
Every time she doesn’t pay up, I take her keys and her license. She can clean my house and babysit her little brother to earn the money to make that payment, and I’ll give her keys back as soon as she does.
When I got a cell phone for the kids to use, we decided that we would not turn on the GPS feature, because we, the parents, wanted to encourage them, the children, to always have the phone handy. It seemed that the times that we as parents wanted to be sure the phone was with the children were the least likely times that the kids would want to have their positions monitored; so, we agreed not to monitor them.
Tracking the car on the other hand is about as intrusive, yet it would be hard for the kids to get somewhere they shouldn’t without the car. Don’t be surprised though if the car is at her friend’s house, but she, her friend, and her friend’s untracked car is missing.
That sounds exactly like something she’d do.
GPS – great idea, also the dashcam that shows what is happening inside the car is also worthy of consideration.
“No texting while driving” is as good a rule as “no drinking and driving”. I see accidents almost every week in our parking lot while the kids are driving and texting their friends; at higher speeds it could be a lot worse.
Lay down those rules; as she matures and gets better behind the wheel, you can always lighten up.
I’ve seen a lot of kids hurt and killed acting stupid in a car – so as long as she’s there to call you the “meanest Mom in the world” – you’re not.
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I’m the World’s Meanest Mommy, remember? My teenager doesn’t have a cell phone.
Be careful about delaying your children’s opportunity to drive. Back in the old days when there were secretaries, my secretary was about 22 and just married. Her family had made it hard for her to learn to drive; so, she never did. Instead she relied on the “kindness of strangers” and her natural good looks to get where she wanted to go.
As if that was not bad enough, as a new wife she suddenly had to drive herself about to and from work, to the grocery store, and so on. Being completely unprepared for this, she totaled three cars in under a year. The financial stress combined with her reversion to previous methods resulted in an early end to her marriage and way, way too much drama.
Observing that wreckage, I resolved to force my kids to drive for at least a little while I could keep them mostly on the straight and narrow even if it cost a fair bit.
The span between 16 and 22 is so huge I think it’s pretty much inapplicable. Besides, she knows how to drive, and now that she has a license she does get to drive occasionally when we run errands.
That doesn’t mean she’s entitled to a car, though.
I wouldn’t tell her about the GPS right away. See what it would look like without her knowing(like a week). Then you will have a picture for after of whether she is behaving with the car because she should or because you are watching. Privileges are earned, having a car isn’t a right. (I am practicing to take your title when my kids are older;)
I agree with giving kids some driving experience (or really holding a license). When I got married (at almost 21)I needed to get my license but because I had it less than 3 years I had to pay 16 year old rates. It would have been better to have it and hold it.
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Mine is about a year and a half away from her driver’s license. Oregon has what’s called a “provisional” license for drivers under 21 – ANY infractions and it can be taken away until 21 by an observing officer at his discretion. No arguements, just bam, you’re done.
I like the GPS idea. My oldest will get a car, though, when she can pay her own insurance and can pay cash for the car – I’ve told her this and she’s saving already.
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You are evil pure evil! The GPS idea is a good one, though I can see rammer’s last comment being all too possible. NerdMom’s idea about do it for a week (or so) with out telling also sounds good. Though in the end, if she was mine, (no, this is NOT an offer *grin*) yes she could have a car IF she paid for it, and the gas and insurance (in installments if need be). Would be a great way to give personal instruction on credit/financing/monthly payments-budget, the kids just are not getting in schools these days.
As an aside, I got my DL while in high school, and was allowed to drive the parents car when needed … IF I asked far enough in advance, and there wasn’t any reason for them to use same. Bought my first car after joining the service.
Best of luck!
That’s pretty much my stance, too: she can drive my mini-van (but not my husband’s Cougar) if she asks and if she pays for the gas.
My view in a nutshell: having a car (or a cell phone) isn’t a teen’s right: it’s a privilege, and it’s one they need to earn. In addition to demonstrating responsibility, they need to also have a financial stake in it.
To do otherwise — to just give them the thing — too often winds up with a teenager (who’s just barely out of childhood) thinking of the car or cell phone as just another toy that Mommy and Daddy gave them.
If the whole purpose of allowing them to drive, for instance, is to ensure they can be independent adults then we need to accompany that with adult-like lessons about financial obligations and the loss of “fun things” when they don’t budget appropriately.
Mine is about to turn 16. She’s been driving on her Learner’s Permit for a few months. I made it extremely clear that I did not care what any book or law said. When *I* felt she was ready to drive, she would get her full drivers license. Me and only me. Based on what I’ve seen so far, she’s got a long way to go. GPS may not be needed, but learning to pay attention definitely is.
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It’s hard getting a kid to understand that just because the law says s/he is eligible for something does NOT mean that s/he is ready for it, isn’t it?
Um, I feel stupid. Didn’t know you have a daughter.
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Don’t feel bad. I don’t blog about her much, mostly because she knows where to find my blogs.
Teens think they’re immortal and take too many risks. People who know they’re being watched behave better – and when behind the wheel, better behavior can equal lives and property saved.
Tell her what you’re tracking, and let her know you’re doing it periodically. (“Oh, I see you averaged 32 mph when driving from Walgreens back home.”)
I would have gladly subjected myself to being monitored if I could have had a car. I think she’s getting a sweet deal and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Now, monitoring her without telling her is a bit immoral in my book, so I’m glad you’re not doing that.
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Awesome point there, DrunkBunny! Part of the process of becoming an adult is realizing that what we do is a reflection of who we are, and that for every naughty action we try to get away with there is always someone who’ll be able to hold us accountable.
That, I think, goes hand-in-hand with why teens think they’re immortal. They haven’t been truly called into account for their actions (thank goodness, and thank good parents).
IMVO, part of parents’ duties involves increasingly exposing teens to the consequences of their actions. That might sound odd at first, but if you think about it, that’s something parents do naturally in other contexts. A 5 y/o child who spills grape juice on a new carpet, for instance, will be chided and possibly not given grape juice again for a while.
An older child who spills it will be told to clean it up and advised not to drink it again on the carpet.
A teenager will be informed they’re going to be paying for the carpet cleaning and then left to decide whether they’re going to risk drinking grape juice on the new carpet again.
Driving’s no different. She can have her freedom in her own car just as soon as I know she’s grown ready for that kind of trust.
And knowing that she has to earn that trust because I’m monitoring is what will prompt her to develop safe, self-directed driving habits from the get-go.
For me, that’s what it comes down to: inculcating responsibility in children by providing a framework in which they know they’re expected to demonstrate responsibility. Once they get used to doing so, you can take the framework way and… why, they remain responsible.
Kind of like training wheels for life.
You might also consider putting a “one friend” limit on her. At 16 trying to hold three conversations AND notice the semi barreling down the street at her is asking too much of a mind with nine years of growing to do.
Some states now have laws on the books as to how many persons under 21 can be in the same car as a *teen driver*. There are also limits set on how late they can be out and about driving. These are conditional on if said teen has a late night job or other legitimate circumstances (other kids in the car could be immediate family members for example). I know Illinois is going down this path, not sure about Kansas.
I know times have changed somewhat since my children got their licenses (at 15), but I don’t think I would have considered GPS in their cars, had it even been feasible at the time.
It seems to me that this kind of monitoring leads to the opposite of building a trusting relationship. Like rammer illustrated above, constant or intrusive monitoring encourages sneakiness. Please don’t be offended, but requiring GPS monitoring strikes me as saying, loudly, “I don’t trust you.”
What if the first time your child is unmonitored and truly on their own is their first year of college? You want them to develop as much self-control and responsibility as possible before then.
Requiring teenagers to pay for their own gasoline and maintenance (including tires) is very effective in eliminating unnecessary driving. Teaching techniques for getting the best gas mileage also teaches them not to drive too fast or aggressively.
Teach them to check their oil, transmission and brake fluid, coolant and tire pressure. Require they change a tire without assistance in your presence. Provide them with a half tank of gas and require they keep it at that level. Explain the hassle and cost of running out of gas and replacing an overworked fuel pump.
Make a big deal of all this. Check up behind them randomly, telling them you’re going to do so. Ride with them, teach them things they’ll never get in driver’s ed, like how to use all their mirrors effectively and when not to trust them, safe use of cruise control, how to deal with distractions, how to control a skid, how to anticipate what that car or truck they are sharing the road with is going to do… whatever “teaching moment” occurs.
Then know that no matter what you do, you’ll still be a bit queasy every time they back out of the driveway.
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What, and actually have to step away from the computer?
I wonder if there are computer simulations of driving available. Of course, after watching my husband and sister (a retired air traffic controller and a flight instructor) play various flight simulator programs, maybe that’s not a good idea.
Donna B.’s last blog post..Accountability, Not Exciting
Oh, she’s played plenty of driving-simulation video games. The problem is that such games don’t remedy a teenager’s belief in their own immortality, as DrunkBunny pointed out.
As for GPS monitoring telling her “I don’t trust you”, I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t trust new drivers to be as good as experienced drivers. Statistically, they’re not.
I’d rather my daughter not be a statistic, Donna, and if offending her or pissing her off is the price of that, so be it.
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I think that trust is important but so is protecting your child. I don’t baby proof my house, instead I choose to teach them to stay out of the cabinets. And that works for the most part but I put bleach and other costic things up where there is no way they can get them. I think it boils down to trust you kids but decide if you are really ready to risk their lives. That doesn’t just pertain to speed but what happens if the child who has the car decides to go somewhere she isn’t and gets hurt. Because she was sneaking about you are unable to help her. There is a time for that trust but it varies by child and age.
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Speaking of children and driving … My youngest is turning 20 this weekend and still hasn’t taken the time to pass the backing/parallel parking/driving test required to get his license. He will get his license and buy a car when he finally feels like it.
For now he gets wherever he wishes to go traveling via World of Warcraft or someone else in our household.
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I’m going to remember this when my daughter is 16 and begging to drive. Thank you, Kate!
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