There once was a man from nantucket! Oh hell nvm I suck at jokes! Hope your day gets better!

~kats last blog post..You can’t run from mama!

In a country of 300 million people
our choices for president are
John McCain &
Barak Obama

—-sorry I guess that’s a bad joke

You need more cowbell.

Margis last blog post..Happy Birthday Cheryl

More Christopher Walken?

Margis last blog post..Happy Birthday Cheryl

Here’s a joke from my 11 year old son-

Why did the elephant cross the road?

It was the chicken’s day off!

It lacks the impact when you miss out on his ten minutes of impish giggling that follows the punch line- interspersed with ‘it was the chicken’s day off’ being repeated before convulsing once again into laughter.

Hope your day gets better

All I got are redneck jokes woman! But here they go…

Signs You Might Be A Redneck
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl’.

You own a homemade fur coat.

The people on Jerry Springer’s show remind you of your neighbors.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

The beer can collection in the town museum is the big tourist attraction.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

Loris last blog post..Lucky Spurs

Two blondes walk to the car, but find they’ve been locked out. As one tries to jimmy the lock, the other says, “Hurry up, it looks like it’s about to rain, and the top is down!”

Heh.

Ok another one: Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. There’s a bowl of peanuts nearby and all of a sudden the peanuts start talking.

“Wow, you look like you work out regularly!” One peanut says.

“You seem to have a kind way about you,” another one says.

“That’s a great hairstyle!” Still another says.

The guy turns to the bartender and asks, “Hey what’s the deal with these peanuts??”

The bartender says, “Oh, they’re complimentary.”

Lincolns last blog post..BACK IN BLACK

Here ya go, irreverent, pejorative, racist, and Texas proud…

A MEXICAN, AN IRAQI, AND A TEXAS GIRL ARE IN THE SAME BAR. WHEN THE MEXICAN FINISHES HIS BEER, HE THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS PISTOL, AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES. HE SAYS, “IN MEXICO OUR GLASSES ARE SO CHEAP WE DON’T NEED TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONE TWICE.”

OMAR , THE IRAQI, OBVIOUSLY IMPRESSED BY THIS, DRINKS HIS BEER, THROWS THE GLASS INTO THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS AK-47, AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES. HE SAYS, ” IN IRAQ, WE HAVE SO MUCH SAND TO MAKE GLASSES THAT WE DON’T NEED TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONE TWICE EITHER.”

THE GIRL FROM TEXAS, COOL AS A CUCUMBER, PICKS UP HER BEER, DOWNS IT IN ONE GULP, THROWS THE GLASS INTO THE AIR, WHIPS OUT HER .45 AND SHOOTS THE MEXICAN AND THE IRAQI. WHILE CATCHING HER GLASS, SETTING IT ON THE BAR, AND CALLING FOR A REFILL, SHE SAYS,
“IN TEXAS, WE HAVE SO MANY ILLEGAL ALIENS THAT WE DON’T HAVE TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONES TWICE.”

GOD BLESS TEXAS

Jeffs last blog post..Fit For Pets or People

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the landlord. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Donna B.s last blog post..Sunday Drive on the Internet Highways

Geezer humor:

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Kings Ridge, a Florida senior community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you new here?”

He replies, “I lived here years ago.”

“So, where were you all these years?”

“In prison,” he says.

“Why did they put you in prison?”

He looked at her, and very quietly said, “I killed my wife.”

“Oh!” said the woman. “So you’re single…?!”

***********

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”

“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty.”

Two blondes walk into a bar.

The first one I can understand, but you’d think the second one would have seen it coming.
____________________________________________

A blonde comes home and finds her also-blonde roommate in the garage, lips wrapped around the tailpipe, huffing and puffing for all she’s worth.

“Whatcha doin?” asks the first blonde.
“Well, I have a dent in my front bumper, and the mechanic I took my car to told me to just blow really hard and pop the dent out,” says the second one, catching her breath.
“You’re such an idiot. You give all of us blondes a bad name…you have to roll the windows of the car up first!”
____________________________________________

A baker makes a batch of muffins and puts them all in the oven. It starts to get hot, and one of the muffins in the middle of the pan sits up, saying, “Man it’s getting hot in here.”
The muffin in front of the first one turns around. “Hey there, how you doin?”
“AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!” the first one screams.

wgs last blog post..Obama campaign in violation of CAN-SPAM

A man took his little boy along with him to an animal auction. Intending to buy a horse, the man checked out each one – looking at the teeth, eyes, ears, and running his hands all over the animal. under the belly, back along the rump and down all 4 legs. After a few horses had been checked out his son asked “what’cha doing that for , Dad?”
His father answered “Just making sure I know what the horse is like before I buy it.”
The son then got quite aggitated and said “Dad, I think the UPS man wants to buy Mom!!”

Two fonts walk into the bar, and the barman says, “Sorry lads, we don’t serve your type.”

to pile up in landfills, as they really don’t decompose well. Another thing the author says we shouldn’t worry about, hot dogs, also have trouble decomposing in landfills, still recognizable up to 25 years later. Yummy. Venemous Kate at Electric Venomis stressed and asks: “Tell me a good joke to cheer me up, will ya?” Gail Lynne Goodwin at Inspire Me Today™ suggests being more childlike and writes: What good does worry do anyway? Worry is like trying to swim across a stream with an anchor tied around your feet. Cut

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it and the neutron asks “How much?” The bartender replies “For you, no charge.”

——–

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar. What? It could happen!

——–

A pony walks up to the podium and begins his speech. It comes out as a badly mufflied, barely intelligible whinney. The pony adds “Sorry, folks, I’m a little horse.”

——–

A guy walks into a bar and farts. OK, I guess that’s not a very funny joke after all, but my three year old thinks it is.

Xrlqs last blog post..They Love to Make You Hate to Fly, And It Shows

Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison ….

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

I think you already live your life this way, Kate…but…

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, even Satan shudders & says … “Oh shit…she’s awake!”

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

One more…

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

Note. This has been around but it is so funny I can’t read it out load. Enjoy

For those of you who havelived in Texas,you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off aboutthe time Halloween comesaround. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San AntonioCityPark.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilitaster named Frank, who wasvisiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to beselected as a judge at a chili cook-off.The original person called in sickat the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’stable,asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.I wasassured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’tbe allthat spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer duringthetasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from theevent:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIACMONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on thetomato.Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor.Verymild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what thehell is this stuff? Youcould remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to puttheflames out. I hope that’s the worst one. TheseTexans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Ju dge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint ofpork. Slightjalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needsmorepeppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reachofchildren. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I hadto waveoff two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had torush inmore beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THEBARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili.Greatkick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use ofpeppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve locateda uraniumspill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knowstheroutine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me ontheback, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m gettingshit-facedfrom all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -Black bean chili with almostno spice.Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the blackbeans. Goodside dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt somethingscrapingacross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout tastebuds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.This 300lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’meating!Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili.Cayenne peppersfreshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef,could usemore tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweatis pouringoff my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and fourpeoplebehind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offendedwhen I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved !mytongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. Iwonderif I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the otherjudges askedme to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIANVARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarianvarietychili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressiveuse ofpeppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestinesare now a straightpipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when Ifarted,and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined tostandbehind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipemy buttwith a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATIONCHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with toomuchreliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if thechefliterally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I shouldtakenote that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit ofdistress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade inmy mouth,pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye,and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt iscovered withchili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are fullof lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll knowwhatkilled me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it;I’m notgetting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in throughthe4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLINGCHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this isa niceblend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good,balancedchili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost whenJudge#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on topofhimself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder howhe’d havereacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Report

Ok…I lied…another one:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “NO!”

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer, farted whenever he wanted, and never, ever, had to put the toilet seat up.

THE END

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity