Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me?”

The girl said, “NO!”

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing,
hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer, farted whenever he wanted, and never, ever, had to put the toilet seat up.

THE END

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

For those of you who havelived in Texas,you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off aboutthe time Halloween comesaround. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San AntonioCityPark.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chilitaster named Frank, who wasvisiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to beselected as a judge at a chili cook-off.The original person called in sickat the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’stable,asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.I wasassured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’tbe allthat spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer duringthetasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from theevent:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIACMONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on thetomato.Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor.Verymild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what thehell is this stuff? Youcould remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to puttheflames out. I hope that’s the worst one. TheseTexans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Ju dge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint ofpork. Slightjalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needsmorepeppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reachofchildren. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I hadto waveoff two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had torush inmore beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THEBARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili.Greatkick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use ofpeppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve locateda uraniumspill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knowstheroutine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me ontheback, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m gettingshit-facedfrom all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -Black bean chili with almostno spice.Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the blackbeans. Goodside dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt somethingscrapingacross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout tastebuds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.This 300lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’meating!Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili.Cayenne peppersfreshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef,could usemore tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweatis pouringoff my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and fourpeoplebehind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offendedwhen I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved !mytongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. Iwonderif I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the otherjudges askedme to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIANVARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarianvarietychili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressiveuse ofpeppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestinesare now a straightpipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when Ifarted,and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined tostandbehind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipemy buttwith a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATIONCHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with toomuchreliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if thechefliterally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I shouldtakenote that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit ofdistress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade inmy mouth,pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye,and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt iscovered withchili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are fullof lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll knowwhatkilled me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it;I’m notgetting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in throughthe4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLINGCHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this isa niceblend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good,balancedchili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost whenJudge#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on topofhimself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder howhe’d havereacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No Report

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, even Satan shudders & says … “Oh shit…she’s awake!”

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison ….

Steves last blog post..GM Struggling to survive…its own stupidity

——–

Two Irish guys walk out of a bar. What? It could happen!

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A pony walks up to the podium and begins his speech. It comes out as a badly mufflied, barely intelligible whinney. The pony adds “Sorry, folks, I’m a little horse.”

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A guy walks into a bar and farts. OK, I guess that’s not a very funny joke after all, but my three year old thinks it is.

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Or about the Aggie spelling champ who spent the night in a warehouse?

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The first one I can understand, but you’d think the second one would have seen it coming.
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A blonde comes home and finds her also-blonde roommate in the garage, lips wrapped around the tailpipe, huffing and puffing for all she’s worth.

“Whatcha doin?” asks the first blonde.
“Well, I have a dent in my front bumper, and the mechanic I took my car to told me to just blow really hard and pop the dent out,” says the second one, catching her breath.
“You’re such an idiot. You give all of us blondes a bad name…you have to roll the windows of the car up first!”
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A baker makes a batch of muffins and puts them all in the oven. It starts to get hot, and one of the muffins in the middle of the pan sits up, saying, “Man it’s getting hot in here.”
The muffin in front of the first one turns around. “Hey there, how you doin?”
“AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!” the first one screams.

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