In preparation for The Big Birthday Bash on Friday (ahem), I have exfoliated and fake-tanned. I’ve tweezed and waxed my eyebrows. I’ve used my at-home chemical peel kit, and fought off the round of zits that produced. I even gave myself a mani/pedi.
I am cheap, however, and so my mani/pedi mostly consisted of merely pumicing away at my heels which, thanks to my habit of walking around barefoot on the hot deck, were in dire need of it. At least they no longer catch on the sheets when I slide into bed. Still, I thought a French manicure would look pretty and, since I have absolutely zero coordination when it comes to things like that, I bought press-on nails. Yep, fake toenails just like Kim’s, too.
Problem is, I have very short, stubby fingers. (Well, what would one expect on a short, stubby woman?) So even the “active wear length” fake nails look like claws on my little hands. And the toenails? They took over the sheet-ripping duties. These things are so long on my toes that I look as if I haven’t clipped in nearly a year. Evidently I did a good job gluing them on, too, because the suckers aren’t coming off easily. They’re going to have to go by tomorrow, though, since there’s no way I can wear them without shredding the nice black silk stockings I bought to wear with my dress.
In the meantime, I’m practically handicapped by these fingernails. Trying to remove my contacts last night nearly cost me an eye. Typing right now is as inefficient as can be, since I keep having to go back and correct spelling errors made by my wayward nail tips. And do not get me started on the adventures in pain that my first post-manicure trip to the restroom led to!
If this is “pretty,” I’ll take a pass.
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007, 8:46 am | 
My Venomous Life | 
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June 6, 2007 at 9:12 am
What’d you use to fake-tan? Inquiring minds (and ghostly pale bodies) want to know…
June 6, 2007 at 9:22 am
I’ve been using Coppertone Continuous Spray Tan Moisture Mist
, which is the best sprayer I’ve found on the market, including among the higher-priced ones. I don’t like lotions — they seem to always streak no matter how carefully applied. The pump-style tanners are hard on my hands, plus they tend to get slippery before I’m done.
One reason I also like this one: it doesn’t have that rank fake-tan smell. Why on earth can’t manufacturers fix that?! I also like being able to get my back easily. Both the tan and the product itself seem to last a while — I used the same spray bottle daily for nearly 3 weeks before running out. It took me a couple of weeks to buy a replacement, though. The tan lasted for about a week before fading. Not bad.
June 6, 2007 at 9:23 am
The toenails kept falling off and anything other than open toe (read flip-flops) caused issues…. they’re all now in a little pile in front of my laptop…
I have the same problems with long fingernails, although my right hand pinky fingernail is just beautiful right now.
June 6, 2007 at 9:39 am
So far my toenails are still intact, but I did lose a thumbnail while picking up the bag of cat food this morning. Maybe I should repeat that 9 more times to get rid of the rest before I hurt myself?
June 6, 2007 at 9:56 am
You could always have your husband do the nail-painting. I’m sure he’d complain a bit, about it being a non-manly duty and all.
I do Red’s bikini waxing, too, and lemme tell ya, as a somewhat fuzzy guy, there’s nothing that gives me the heebie jeebies like spreading Nads on Red’s nether regions, applying muslin and then ripping the hair out by the roots. Nevertheless, much like her taste for lobster, I don’t pretend to understand it, I just nod, smile, and do as I’m asked.
The Ways Of Women are not for the likes of us dudes to understand.
June 6, 2007 at 10:23 am
VH has offered to paint my toenails in the past. Unfortunately, he only got through two toenails before we got, um, distracted.
Ditto for when he tried giving me a bikini wax.
June 6, 2007 at 10:33 am
Oh, how I giggled as I read the bit about our unsightly, calloused heels… I, like you, go barefoot all the time, and I’d have to pumice twice a day to get my feet to look even vaguely decent. As for snagging the sheets… been there, too, to my shame and horror, but thankfully, I don’t share my bed with anyone except cats. I can’t imagine any man putting up with my feet at night.
Your spray tan product has been duly noted, last year I used L’Oréal and it wasn`t too bad, although I was forced to attempt to correct the “streak” quite often.
June 6, 2007 at 10:37 am
Oh! I forgot to mention! I once had a lady boss who was your typical JAP, right down to her incredibly long nails. She used to use the eraser end of a pencil to dial her phone. Long nails can look nice, but when they start interfering with mundane daily activities, you know they’re just too long!
June 6, 2007 at 10:44 am
Yep. I can’t stop wondering “How on earth do you use toilet paper with these thingies?”
June 6, 2007 at 11:30 am
You get used to the nails after awhile. I used to get mine done every couple of weeks because my own nails are soft and break easily. There always comes a point where they’re too long though.
I’ll have to check out the coppertone stuff. I just hate looking orange, which is inevitably the color everything has turned me.
June 6, 2007 at 11:57 am
The Coppertone is the only one that hasn’t turned me orange. Their lotion did, but the spray has not. Just be sure you stand on an old towel when you do it!