Let’s get something straight up front: unless you live in one of the pink areas on this photo — as I do — I do not want to hear you whine about how hot it is. You don’t know heat. You might be sweating, your A/C might be running frequently, and maybe you have to water your plants more than once a day. But you aren’t hot. Your pits might be sweaty, your hair might have wilted, and your forehead may feel like an oil slick, but it’s just your mind playing tricks on you; if you aren’t in the pink zone, it’s NOT hot where you are.
It is, here. So hot that our A/C is constantly running, and I’m wondering what possessions we’ll have to sell to afford this month’s electric bill. So hot that I’ve learned how to drive with two fingers, having made the mistake of firmly grasping the steering wheel while pulling out of the grocery store’s parking lot, only to suffer blisters on both palms. (Try explaining that when you’re female!) So hot that, while pulling beets in my garden today, I was mildly surprised that they weren’t fully cooked. Sweaty pits, wilting hair, a slick forehead? Check, check, and check. Also, I’m chafing in the most painful of places. And have I mentioned the swarms of mosquitoes due to our local flooding?
Yeah, I’m a bit grumpy these days, and I’ve been sparing you the blunt of that wrath. I haven’t been this grumpy since, oh, August 13, 2010 when I’d hardly slept the previous night thanks to these asshats staging a prisoner uprising at Ft. Leavenworth, which prompted all of the prison sirens in our town to go off all freaking night long. (Note to Washington, D.C.: Now, imagine the carnage that would’ve occurred in the prison had the inmates been the Gitmo detainees you’ve talked about transferring here.)
Meanwhile, here’s some random synaptic firings for you:
- I wish I had a job so I could quit it like this!
- “Batgina mobile”? Only a guy would think this would attract girls.
- Yeah, the ol’ “Republicans want to cut your Medicare” tactic really is getting old.
- No more paper Treasury Bonds? Imagine all of the grandparents who must now give their grandkids birthday presents they can actually use before they turn 18!
- Dear L.A.: Your “carmageddon” only lasts one weekend. Stay home and STFU already, you pantywaists!
- Penis mutilation (with or without garbage disposal) isn’t as uncommon as you’d
thinkhope, and if this heat keeps up I predict they’ll just get more common.
- (Wholly unrelated): A study claims that men want more cuddling, while women want more sex. I asked VH about this. His response: actually, we’re just saying that because we know it’ll turn into sex.
Last, but certainly not least (in my mind at any rate): as of today, there are only 33 more days until school starts!!!!!