Help Me, I’m Melting!

by Venomous Kate

Hot enough for you? Let’s get something straight up front: unless you live in one of the pink areas on this photo — as I do — I do not want to hear you whine about how hot it is. You don’t know heat. You might be sweating, your A/C might be running frequently, and maybe you have to water your plants more than once a day. But you aren’t hot. Your pits might be sweaty, your hair might have wilted, and your forehead may feel like an oil slick, but it’s just your mind playing tricks on you; if you aren’t in the pink zone, it’s NOT hot where you are.

It is, here. So hot that our A/C is constantly running, and I’m wondering what possessions we’ll have to sell to afford this month’s electric bill. So hot that I’ve learned how to drive with two fingers, having made the mistake of firmly grasping the steering wheel while pulling out of the grocery store’s parking lot, only to suffer blisters on both palms. (Try explaining that when you’re female!) So hot that, while pulling beets in my garden today, I was mildly surprised that they weren’t fully cooked. Sweaty pits, wilting hair, a slick forehead? Check, check, and check. Also, I’m chafing in the most painful of places. And have I mentioned the swarms of mosquitoes due to our local flooding?

Yeah, I’m a bit grumpy these days, and I’ve been sparing you the blunt of that wrath. I haven’t been this grumpy since, oh, August 13, 2010 when I’d hardly slept the previous night thanks to these asshats staging a prisoner uprising at Ft. Leavenworth, which prompted all of the prison sirens in our town to go off all freaking night long. (Note to Washington, D.C.: Now, imagine the carnage that would’ve occurred in the prison had the inmates been the Gitmo detainees you’ve talked about transferring here.)

Meanwhile, here’s some random synaptic firings for you:

  • I wish I had a job so I could quit it like this!
  • “Batgina mobile”? Only a guy would think this would attract girls.
  • Yeah, the ol’ “Republicans want to cut your Medicare” tactic really is getting old.
  • No more paper Treasury Bonds? Imagine all of the grandparents who must now give their grandkids birthday presents they can actually use before they turn 18!
  • Dear L.A.: Your “carmageddon” only lasts one weekend. Stay home and STFU already, you pantywaists!
  • Penis mutilation (with or without garbage disposal) isn’t as uncommon as you’d think hope, and if this heat keeps up I predict they’ll just get more common.
  • (Wholly unrelated): A study claims that men want more cuddling, while women want more sex. I asked VH about this. His response: actually, we’re just saying that because we know it’ll turn into sex.

Last, but certainly not least (in my mind at any rate): as of today, there are only 33 more days until school starts!!!!!

13 Comments to “Help Me, I’m Melting!”

  1. we’re always in the pink zone, no matter what the map says. and you can’t shovel that pink stuff, you know…

  2. Bah. The heat coming out of the concrete in nyc is a special line of awful.

  3. Erg… “kind”

  4. 106 officially here but 23% humidity. the temp across the street in the shade though says 112.
    For some reason the ac in my tinfoil and fiberglass elcheapo rental is running nonstop.
    CoOp power will run just under $200 for the month

  5. Bloody hell.

  6. Back in the day… OMG let me put my dentures in as I say that…

    Where was I… oh yeah, we were just married, lived in married student housing which consisted of an apartment made from cynderblock construction with tile floors and one single window a/c unit in the living room, in Rolla, MO. It was summer. We had a 3 week period of hell where the temps were over 100 every day and up as high as 108. The outside night time temp never dropped below 88.

    At night you could put your hand 6 inches from the wall and feel the heat radiating from it… all the heat it had soaked up during the day. The little window a/c ran all day long without stop. At night we turned it off and opened the windows and used fans. We managed to keep it a steady 92 degrees in the apartment.

    Since that time, all other supposed “heat waves” in other areas of the country I have lived in, have been compared to that. As yet, nothing has touched it for the complete and utter misery index. So I feel your pain. It’s why I moved north. heh.

  7. It’s 7:22 right now and we’re down to 99F with a heat index of 119 on the shade. And looking at the 7-day forecast, today is our “cool” day. So, yeah, this summer sucks! If this heat doesn’t let up, Imma gonna let Al Gore make a convert outta me.

  8. *in

  9. Ask VM about “hot in the box” at Ft. Polk. My first day (Startex) the drybulb went to 124 F., but it cooled down to 112 F by 1600hrs.

  10. @Teresa, when I first moved to the midwest, I lived in an old building in midtown KCMO without air conditioning. The walls did the same thing, and our landlord wouldn’t let us put in a window unit! I spent the majority of that summer in the bathtub, soaking in water during the day and sleeping in a drained tub at night. Those things are surprisingly cool, no matter what the indoor temp is!

    @JP, I think what’s making it particularly miserable is that our humidity is so darned high. Right now, at 9:50 am, it’s 87 out there with 70% humidity, giving it a heat index of 98. There’s a thin cloud cover keeping temps down, but that’s going to clear out later… and then, whoa Nelly, it’s going to be awful!

    @Twoma, Yes, Louisiana has its own special brand of hell!

  11. Oh, and @Michael Wilson: please see “pantywaist” comment, above. 😉

  12. Back in the 90’s I worked in a warehouse in the N.O. area and it would get to 120 inside, with that fine Louisiana humidity on top of it. Glad for my “humid” days of 40% here in DFW. I ride a motorcycle everywhere (I will get the truck back on the road some day) so I wear a textile riding jacket with body armor and am getting better at dealing with the heat.
    I’ll take 104 and 20% over 98 and 80% any day.

    I knew we were gonna get this as last Summer with the volcano and the oddball jet stream move so Russia got cooked more than normal, and that affect was slowly moving this way…add the cool Pacific and we get the old Continental style weather..cold wet winter (and some of Utah’s ski areas got snow in late june) with screaming hot the plains. I”ve not looked at how it might move out lately..
    for all the weather info on line, good front maps and windstream info is getting harder to find…you get “corrected” info(translation: We need to ‘prove’ agw so we adjusted the numbers).

  13. How hot was it. Be as outrageous as you dare.