This year, instead of making New Year’s Resolutions for myself, I thought I’d make them for the people I despise. With any luck, maybe one of them will stumble across this post and, recognizing themselves, actually make an effort to stop being such an asshole. You never know… it could happen!

5. Pay less attention to what others have or don’t have, do or don’t do, and you just might free up enough time to deal with that little insecurity problem of yours.

4. If you haven’t worked through your childhood traumas and issues, don’t expect other people to think of you as a mature adult.

3. You can claim to have a “good self-esteem” until you’re blue in the face but if it bothers you whether someone else does or doesn’t like you then it proves you really are an idiot and a liar.

2. Every minute you spend cataloging the ways you think someone has wronged you is a minute you could’ve spent doing something else. Sooner or later those minutes are going to add up and prove that you have, indeed, wasted your life.

1. Stop killing brain cells by reading between lines or thinking you’re “onto” some hidden motive or agenda. The fact is, if there’s a nice way and a mean way to interpret something, most people mean things the nice way. Except for this list.