Well- I am a recently divorced father of 3, so I guess I shouldn’t comment; but that’s never stopped me before. I have to tell you- with email and internet communication available, quarterly trips home and a 85K per year increase, I’d be really really tempted to pay off debt, clear the muddy post-divorce financial waters; and strive diligently to maintain close contact with my sons.

You mileage may vary

will

I don’t think any amount of money would be good enough to want my husband or SO, in that part of the world for any amount of time.
No I don’t have a hubby or SO right now, but if I did, no way would I want them over in “Stan” for a year or two.

I don’t know what I would do. It could come up for us, minus the extra pay, and I don’t even like to think about it! I’ve had a few friends have to send their DH’s off and it just doesn’t seem worth it.

The extra pay though…I just don’t know!

I have to agree that no amount of money could be worth sending my hubby to ‘Stan. It’s too dangerous and also absence does not make the heart grow fonder!!!

Wow. There’s two issues there – single parenthood/separation and the locale. Also I’d consider why he turned it down in the first place.

My first gut reaction (as a mom with FOUR, mind you) is no freaking way. I think we’d probably consider it, but ultimately I’d leave the decision to the person who would be going into the job, given the location.

Good luck.

I can’t imagine it being worth it. Especially if it didn’t exist a day earlier. That’s not a lot of money for an awful high price in life.

Yep. I would do it. It would suck, but the money would be huge help.

I know you should really compare apples and apples, but if you think about the people in the military over there, they’re lucky if they get a call every couple of months…and the $ isn’t nearly as good.

I know you’ll miss him and it will be incredibly stressful, but, if you do a cost benefit analysis, are the benefits greater than the costs for you?

They would be for us.

So, an additional 85K would more than double our annual household gross income (never mind the net/take home…). But, I don’t think I could be away from my family for 2 years, never mind if my wife and son could handle it…

Interestingly, I dated a girl a number of years back whose Dad was former EOD (bomb disposal for the Army, for those unfamiliar) who got a similar offer during the original Iraq quagmire, err.. conflict. He turned it down without hesitation as he was a single dad raising 4 girls.

I’m pretty sure I couldn’t do it. Not worth the time away from each other and the danger.

I’m a married father of one, so I have it easy compared to many, but I don’t have to think about it for even a second: no, I wouldn’t do it, period. Not worth it, even for twice that much.

Yeah, the location is definitely the dealkiller. However, if my own DH was being sent someplace like London or Prague for a year or two, I’d TOTALLY be up for it even though our kids are young (3 & 4 years old, respectively). Especially if he WAS allowed to come home every 3-4 months during the time he’s gone. But ‘Stan? No way.

We love & need money just like everyone else but family is more important to me. My husband was offered, several times over, jobs in Australia as a cutting horse trainer and we turned them down because we would never see him. I know that me and him would manage but the kids..well, that’s different story.
Hard choice but you have to do what is best for your family.

With that said…A year is really not that long at all. It seems long when you say it but it goes by pretty fast when you live it. If your family is strong then a year would only be bring everyone that much closer.

I would do it, if my husband would go.

Can I just sit in awe of the phrase $85,000 increase for a moment. Let’s just say my husband makes less than half of that.

About your situation, no way. There is a company that my husband could go to work for that pays around $20,000 more than he makes, and he would only need to be gone for one week per month, and we said no.

We just love our family time.

It would more than double our income, hence the quandary.

Thw main problem is the location. No amount of money is worth the possibility that VH might come to harm and never come home.

About the danger… I know it sounds crazy but I’m not really the kind to dwell on that a whole lot. I guess that’s because I’m such a pessimist.

See, I can just imagine thinking we’d made a safe choice by turning down the opportunity in Afghanistan only to deal with a car wreck while driving in town or some horrible form of cancer. Yes, those are awful prospects but also risks of remaining here.

It’s the time apart that’s most likely the deal-killer. I know I could survive a year. Even during that one month apart it was odd how I’d found my own “routines” during his absence. Plus we’d definitely put our son in private school — there’s only so much solo-parenting I could handle.

But that’s the BIG hurdle right there: how hard it would be on our son. A year apart is a very, very long time for a 7 y/o, even if Daddy’s home every 3 months.

Then again, there are lots of military kids who deal with it and their Daddy’s aren’t getting huge increases in pay as part of the package.

WOW! That is a very tough decision. As a kid, my dad was stationed in Vietnam and Thailand for extended periods of time while we stayed in the U.S. It’s hard, but sometimes you just have to do it. I think if it were anywhere but the Middle East I would be all for it, but that area is so unstable. The idea of being able to get out of debt and reduce the mortgage would make it awfully tempting though.

I dunno. I retired so I wouldn’t have to go back to any part of the world ending in “stan,” or where the history doesn’t include the rise of Catholicism. I did time in Saudi back in the 90s and that was enough for me. I don’t think you could pay me enough as a civilian. I’m also just recently retired. Maybe after a couple years.

That, I think, is what’s going through VH’s mind right now. It’s been three years since he’s retired and, well, you military guys seem to have a permanent warrior streak that rears its camouflaged head now and then.

Back when the war started, he went through much the same thing, as did our friend Tony. Neither my husband nor Tony had seen combat at the time, although their COs had (in ‘Nam) and the guys under them had (in Iraq Round 1).

I think, in some small way, they both felt like they hadn’t quite “earned their stripes” (despite being officers) because they hadn’t been in the combat zone.

Tony volunteered for Iraq. He came back a changed man — his wife would say for the better, even though he still yearns to return because that’s where he felt most “alive”.

My husband hasn’t gone yet. And, as perplexed as I feel about the impulse, I think there’s a small part of him which won’t feel quite complete until he goes.

I think you’ve accurately captured the pros and cons of it, Kate; one thing I’d be keeping in mind, though, is that he turned it down before he told you about it the first time.

As for me? Yes, I would probably do it…but it would require a LOT of forethought and support from family for both of us.

Thinking about it more, I agree with wg that him turning it down before telling you is significant.

As for location – yeah, it’s dangerous. But as you said, there’s risk everywhere. And despite the numbers reported, there are still more survivors than not. If I could handle being a single mom of four for that time and having the communication options you have – I’d say go for it. But it sounds like he made up his mind before any of that.

We’ve just spent 4 hours talking about it, examining it from every angle, and weighing the pros and cons. You’re both right: the fact that he turned it down was quite significant.

More on that in a bit. I’ve got some “I love you!s” to convey.

Nooooo freaking way would I go for this. The money just isn’t worth it for that sort of ordeal. Besides, they pay people a ton of money to go over there for a reason – it’s damn dangerous.

I asked my husband tonight and he said “absolutely not – not in a million years no no no no no”. So I guess even though I would agree to it he wouldn’t risk his butt for money. Well, I’ve known him 18 years – I guess I could have predicted that one! Maybe that was why is was so easy for me to say “sure!”

Then again, there are lots of military kids who deal with it and their Daddy’s aren’t getting huge increases in pay as part of the package.

Been there, done that, with a child who was and is emotionally secure and accustomed to frequent absences.

Still not worth it, at any price. You can never buy that year or two back.

Is there any chance you and your son could go to Afghanistan with him?

Nope, not even for a million bucks, not even if it was in Paris. You can always get more money, but you just can’t buy back time.

My hubby could go work for the company his dad works for (and this is here and no time away) and he has told him no. He would be expected to work 60 – 80 hours a week. My response to all of this is that if he took the job then I was moving back by my family and I was taking the kids.

Money is not everything. Look at all the hollywood celebrities whose lives are a mess, it definately does not buy happiness. Like everyone else said – you can’t get that time back.

I could deal with being on my own for a year or more, but I wouldn’t want my husband in the middle east. Sure, he could be injured (or worse) here in a car wreck, bombing, etc, but there are too many crazy things going on there every day, as compared to my reasonably safe corner of the world. Suicide bombings and all of that would make me ask him to stay home.