Who’s On YOUR List?

by Venomous Kate

Fans of the t.v. show, Friends, know what I mean when I ask, Who’s on your list? For the other 9 of you: what 5 celebrities would you put on your “freebie” list of celebrities with whom you’d (like to) have consequence-free sex? (Naturally, this assumes that your spouse/significant other implicitly agrees that — if the planets align and your mojo is on, baybee — sleeping with these folks won’t be held against you because your spouse/significant other presumably has a list of his/her own and is relatively comfortable knowing that neither the folks on your list or his/hers would ever consent to sleep with you/him/her/she/he/it.)

Anyway.

“The List” is a running joke in my household. That is to say, the Venomous Hubby will put a female celebrity on his list and I — due to my inexplicable bouts of fascination with gossip mags — will produce some juicy tidbit that gets Female A booted from his “List” in favor of Female B.

For instance, Jennifer Aniston used to be on Hubby’s list until the day I commented that her drastic weight loss during the series left her face (IMVO) looking more like a guy with long hair than the gorgeous sex kitten she initially was. Two nights of reruns later, the Venomous Hubby nixed Ms. Aniston from his List in favor of Jessica Alba. And, although he won’t budge on Heather Locklear‘s Numero Uno List position, I otherwise applaud his other four entries (no pun intended).

He, however, does not understand — and therefore scoffs at — the five men on my list.

Perhaps that’s because my five nominees rotate on a regular basis, depending on my mood, my then-predilections for sensitive vs. manly men, and my latest perusal of tabloid headlines indicating who’s single and who’s been seen with their hairstylist a bit too much of late.

Then, too, perhaps it’s because I have no identifiable type. Witness, for example, my list — in no particular order of preference — and the reasons therefore:

1. Matthew McConaughey: Although I’m not big on blondes, I do love Southern boys. I also like men who are, regardless of their politics, passionate about what they believe and down-to-earth. Oh, and guys who can pull off that “I-just-got-out-of-bed-and-threw-this-on-but-damn-I’m-stylish” look. This man is the poster-boy for that kind of man. Oh, and since he apparently likes brown-eyed brunettes, I figure I have a 0.02% chance for at least an evening of good conversation (which, in my mind and what I remember of my pre-marital experience, is quite often more entertaining than actual sex).

2. Anthony Bourdain: He cooks, he travels, he writes, he looks for bars with smoking sections. What’s not to like? Oh, and did I mention that he’s tall, thin, adventurous, cynical and from New York? He’s like a little slice of heaven fit into a 6-foot-something frame.

3. Ron White: Yep, the comedian. Or, as I like to think of him: one of those rare guys who drinks harder than I do (even if he drinks Scotch viz my more enlightened — and less odiferous — martinis) — and he’s also a Southern boy who still maintains that same sense of fuckyou-ness otherwise known as Venom. Sure, he’s got a few extra pounds on his frame, but so do I… and both of us are blunt enough to acknowledge that the poundage doesn’t prevent the other parts from working. The problem is — even if we managed to stumble into the same bar, much less three bar stools of each other — we’d probably spend most of an evening getting drunk and the rest of it seeing who could be better at insult comedy. (I’d win: girls fight dirty.)

4. Simon Cowell: My lust for Simon is no secret. It’s not just the pillow pecs and the accent that makes him sound more intelligent than the rest of us (read: you male) plebes, there’s also the added attraction of a guy who is quite possibly as blunt as I… without the alcohol-infused bite which no doubt would taint the fun of an evening with, say, Ron White and trigger the chew-off-my-own-arm-in-the-morning guilt/shame reaction of my youth. Oh, and besides adoring his whole square-shouldered contemptuously high-standard demeanor, I actually like the way he dresses. Surprise.

5. Viggo Mortenson: First, let me note that I lusted after this man long before he appeared in the LOTR series. And, yes, he’s another escapee from my usual “no blonds” rule. I was lucky enough to meet Viggo in Seattle during the late 80’s when I was working as a DJ for an alternative radio station and charged with promoting a show headlined by the band X. Since Viggo was married to Christine… er, I mean, Exene … Cervenka at the time, he’d tagged along with her (or, more likely, she insisted on his presence). And, since the band was busy performing, the rest of us non-headliners were left to, well, chat and remind ourselves that there were more interesting things to us than mere band accessories. An hour later, when I’d learned he’d not only spent a significant amount of time in New York but was also interested in poetry, photography and art (at which he needed a bit of work — and still does — but his name now sells sufficiently that I fear he’s lost his dedication — and he’d led a semi-nomadic childhood — well, I fell in lust. Watching him in Fresh Horses (which sucked) and a decade later in G.I. Jane (which didn’t) only cemented my lust.

So there you have it: my List… without rhyme, although with a modicum of reason.

But, more importantly, who’s on yours?

12 Responses to “Who’s On YOUR List?”

  1. 1) Angelina Jolie (total MILF)
    2) Brad Pitt (preferably at the same time as Angelina. ;))
    3) Salma Hayek (she has the best tas in Hollywood)
    4) Gavin Rossdale (DILF)
    5) Drew Barrymore or Scarlett Johansen (the second best tas in Hollywood)

  2. I have a perfectly reasonable explaination for your list of do-able men changing. It has to do with the time of your cycle.. most women, during ovulation, prefer a man who is a good provider, sensitive, caring, romantic, rugedly handsome.. however, during menstration women prefer a man with an ice-pick sticking out of his temple.
    Just me two cents

  3. Only two exist on my list and one of them is also on your list:

    1) Anthony Bourdain
    2) Mandy Patinkin (I can’t even explain why)

  4. Girl, you crack me up. I’ve never found Pitt all that attractive (well, maybe in Meet Joe Black) but I’m with you on Angelina. Hmm… perhaps I shouldn’t have put that image out into the universe. ;-)

    Neil, I recall reading some study along those lines. That might explain why I’m not allowed to play with sharp shiny objects certain days each month.

    Chelle, I totally understand Mandy Patinkin, although I’ve never been able to shake my image of him from the Princess Bride. (Which isn’t that bad an image, come to think of it.)

  5. 1. Heather Locklear (VH has good taste)
    2. Helen Hunt
    3. Meg Ryan
    4. Jill Hennesey
    5. Giada DeLaurentis (hey, a guy’s gotta eat, too!)

  6. I’m choosing to take the definition of “celebrity” fairly liberally, here, so bear with me.

    1. Angelina Jolie. Not because she’s deservedly been crowned as one of the sexiest women ever (at least, by recent press), but because she’d probably kill me in the process. That is the way I wanna go.

    2. Scarlett Johannson. I’m a breast man, what can I say?

    3. Cleopatra. Having guilt free sex with the woman whose name has been synonymous with feminine beauty, allure, and adroit political maneuvering….where do I sign up?

    4. Rita Hayworth, in her heyday sixty, seventy years ago. Watch a movie with her in it from that time period, remind yourself she was a documented genius, and then try convincing me she shouldn’t be on your list too.

    5. Sybill. An unconventional choice, to be sure, but like Cleopatra, it’s all about the bragging rights. How else could a guy ever simultaneously have sex with 50-odd people and never question his motivation or sanity, I ask you? :)

  7. 1. Jennifer Connelly (great legs and big naturals, although she has to put some weight back on, she went too Hollywood diet)
    2. Angelia Jolie (for when I’m really hot,want to get dirty,and all out raunchy)
    3. Salma Hayek (the best boob job in Hollywood, great smile, although she is a little short for me)
    4. Julie Roberts (nice long legs and super hot with the Red hair).
    5. Oh welllll the Playmate….tall, longsexy legs, and big naturals. She there always for me and is always on my list.

  8. This gets a little tougher every year as some move in while other move out. Here goes:

    1) Angelina Jolie- I have the hots for her since Hackers, or whatever the heck it was called

    2) Lucy Lawless/Renee O’Connor/Hudson Leick- Yes, I’m claiming a Xenaverse exemption. It’s my fantasy after all.

    3) Jennifer Love Hewitt- I was kind of glad when she 18 so that I didn’t feel dirty watching her anymore

    4) Heather Locklear- ‘Nuff said

    5) Jennifer Connelly- One of the most beautiful women on the planet. Period.

    Someone asked me if my wife wouldn’t mind if Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Lucy Lawless showed up for a 4-way with me. I told her that my wife would be more upset that I’d actually gone insane and was experiencing hallucinations.

  9. 3) Jennifer Love Hewitt- I was kind of glad when she 18 so that I didn’t feel dirty watching her anymore…

    Damn, PhyGeek. I hate wasting champagne. But, hey, my monitor is all nice and clean now.

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