I think I’ll start hanging out more with people who don’t bullshit me about being friends.
Girl “friend” #1 is a network tech who’d expressed a deep desire to start her own blog, but a reluctance to just jump into (and financially commit to) running her own site. So I offered her a guest-blogging slot here at EV for a month while I worked on getting my house fixed, on the market, and ready to start showing to prospective buyers. (Experience has taught me, as you’re no doubt aware, that even logging on to a computer “just for a second” to check email, etc., always turns into an hour… followed by another and another and another until the day’s gone and there’s nothing tangibly productive to show for it.)
The catch? I needed her to monitor my email, blog when she felt like it, and notify me of any problems. “Great!” she said. Great! I thought, and I sighed a huge sigh of relief.
Said “friend” then decided to go on an impromptu vacation with her boyfriend (who dumped her and split on their 5th day of a planned 7-day trip, plunging her into a funk which, evidently, made her utterly disinterested in being online, and, evidently, too bummed to bother picking up a damned phone to tell me as much).
I now have 3,782 email messages awaiting my review, deletion and/or response. Three thousand seven hundred and eighty-two. Fuck.
Girl “friend” #2 (Hello, you bitter, little-minded, malevolent bitch) lives fairly nearby. She took it upon herself – because, evidently, she has nothing in her own life worth talking about with her drinking cronies – to try convincing our mutual acquaintances that one of my entries calls Hawaiians “inbred” and “backwards” – among other things. Nice try, skag. Didn’t you realize that most of them own computers, too? Or that I was more than happy to let those who don’t own computers borrow mine while they were here and check out what I really said? Fuck off and die. Better yet, don’t – you’ve given us all someone to laugh at on those rare occasions your fat ass isn’t hanging off one of the stools at the bar.
For the rest of you… I’m back. I’m swamped. I’m pissy and PMS’ing. What of it?
And yes, I’ll announce the Caption Contest winners… right after I figure out where that Erotic Museum got that cool jar. I have a pair of heads I want to display on my bookshelf.
UPDATE: Well, if Refdesk’s quote of the day isn’t ironic, I don’t know what is:
“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”
Tuesday, July 6th, 2004, 7:10 pm | 
My Venomous Life | 
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July 6, 2004 at 7:36 pm
It’s good to have you back. We were all getting worried there for a while.
July 7, 2004 at 1:41 am
Welcome Back, We missed you, and we (well at least some of us
)were tired of looking at that horses crank.
July 7, 2004 at 3:25 am
Welcome back, Kate. We were getting worried about you.
July 7, 2004 at 4:25 am
I know a lot of women, I don’t include any of them as friends. Now you know why.
July 7, 2004 at 4:56 am
I was actually worried about you….gald you are back and full of fire
July 7, 2004 at 6:51 am
SHE’S BACK! Welcome “home,” Kate — truly, some of us were getting a bit worried, with both you and Kelley “disappearing” around the same time.
Hang tough — sounds like you’ve got some serious ass to kick.
July 7, 2004 at 7:12 am
The day is once again worthy of rising to greet. Welcome back, o’ venemous one.
July 7, 2004 at 7:59 am
What Todd said. Keep the “venem” coming.
July 7, 2004 at 8:12 am
Yay! Welcome back, Kate. I’d rather have you swamped and PMSing than half a dozen Yorkshire terriers in their prime. Or something like that.
July 7, 2004 at 9:04 am
People suck.
July 7, 2004 at 9:34 am
Glad to see you are alive and well. Was speculating with my better half that you had , in fact, sold your home on the beach, for something closer to the bright lights of civilization. Hope to see you back up and about in short order.
July 7, 2004 at 10:18 am
I’m convinced more and more than people like the ones you just profiled do not know what responsibility or friendship mean. Good riddance.
Glad to have you back! Ping me if I can help at all.
July 7, 2004 at 12:57 pm
I am so glad you’re back and in fine venomous form. I too, have been concerned about where you’ve been (although I know getting a house on the market while trying to live life can be really tricky. 3700+ emails is another story). Take care of you and welcome back.
July 7, 2004 at 3:08 pm
I’m sorry X, are typos forBIDDEN? Lighten up, eh?
July 7, 2004 at 3:57 pm
It is great that you’re back. Bizarrely, since I don’t know you at all, I was actually getting worried that something bad had happened.
July 7, 2004 at 4:23 pm
Add me to the chorus singing the happy song that you’re back. I, too was getting bored with the tiny penis in the jar. That’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.
July 7, 2004 at 5:58 pm
I’m sorry Todd, is making fun of other people’s illiteracy forbidden? Lighten up, eh?
July 7, 2004 at 6:25 pm
Girl friend #1 would get my sympathy but probably not any more of my trust. People do tend to fall apart sometimes with breakups–I feel bad for her.
Girl friend #2 sounds like someone I would have some unkind thoughts about.
Glad to see you back.
July 8, 2004 at 5:23 am
And I thought that a star had died in the heavens, I mourned and found the cloud had moved and reveled that you still burn with the sweet light of sarcasm and the tender bite of wit. I sighed and went on knowing that God is in his heaven and all’s right with the world.
July 8, 2004 at 9:54 am
Glad you’re back, and that all is right once again with the blogosphere.
July 8, 2004 at 1:08 pm
I should have known it was a case of someone flaking out on you like that. You’re too organized to disappear with nothing but a preserved penis picture posted.
As for the second gal, nothing like rumor-mongering bitches, is there? Especially when combined with alcohol. Yeesh.
Glad you’re back, anyway.
July 10, 2004 at 8:55 am
Oh my! I’m glad you’re back, I know exactly what you mean about getting on line and suddenly hours are gone! I figured you were selling the house and moving or something of the sort. Years ago someone told me – in your entire life, you will only have about 7 really good friends that you can count on. I have not yet found that advice to be wrong. Hope things get better for you.
July 11, 2004 at 8:12 am
I offer Ten Thousand Welcome Back
SMOOCHES
We Missed You
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July 6, 2004 at 8:30 pm
July 7, 2004 at 3:34 pm