When we married, I knew my husband was the kind of man who gave little, if any, thought to his clothing beyond whether it had been washed within recent memory. I also knew that he is incapable of walking through a room without staining or tearing his clothes, a fact of which he remains oblivious to the point where he’s been known to leave the house going “commando” with half of his ass hanging out of a hole in the back of his shorts. Like every new bride, I resolved that I would change these things about him.

He knew a couple of things about me, as well. I am not the type who enjoys going shopping or spending a day at the mall, so I typically limit my “sprees” to twice a year. Also, I have a knack for finding great sales so I refuse to pay retail.

You’d think our approaches would compliment each other and result in a semi-annual foray to the mall that leads to the refurbishment of my husband’s wardrobe – and mine – at a bargain. Or so I thought. Then one day, he saw the price tag on a new dress I’d just bought and he flipped. “Eleven dollars!,” he gasped, utterly ignoring the fact that it had been marked down from $48. Personally, I thought it was a killer bargain but there was no convincing him of it. When he proudly informed me that the ratty brown t-shirt he was wearing had been in his possession for over thirteen years, I decided two things: first, that t-shirt was a goner and, second, I would continue my semi-annual sale shopping but never again tell him the actual cost of clothes.

So now when I come home laden with bags and bags from the mall – all the while staying within our budget but far beyond what my husband thinks we should spend on clothes – I readily offer one of my favorite excuses which he readily accepts. I’ve had so much success getting him to stop worrying about my shopping trips that now my girlfriends “borrow” my excuses and report that they work with their husbands, too. I figured, I might as well pass them on to EV readers. After all, shopping is good for the economy so buying something new is your patriotic duty. (Hm… maybe I ought to add that one to the list, too.)

5. “I know it’s only January but the after-Christmas sales are so good that I decided to get next Christmas’s shopping done early. Now, don’t mind me while I go put these things away for the next 11 months. (cough)”

4. “Yes I know the price tag on your new shorts says they cost $16, but that was before they took 75% for the sale, see?”

3. “Ok, honey, I bought a few things more than I planned. But before I show you everything, let me just take these bags to the bedroom so I can ‘model’ for you the new garter belt and cut-out bra I just couldn’t pass up.”

2. “Sweetheart, you know how bad I am at doing math in my head? Well, I didn’t realize I’d spent so much until I looked over my receipt but since all of this was on sale I can’t return it. I’m sorry. I feel so awful about it that I’m going to go cook your favorite dinner as an apology.”

And the #1 (sure-fire) Excuse I’ve Fabricated For Overspending At A Clothing Sale…

1. “You know, the entire drive back from the mall all I could think about was how I couldn’t wait to get home and give you a blowjob. I left the bags in the car. Want to race me to the bedroom?”