1. There’s just no pleasing some people. Take Paris Hilton, for example. No, I’m not talking about the infamous video. (She certainly seemed to enjoy that.) It’s her engagement ring. She’s sent it back. Why? Because it was — get this — too big.

2. Note to Nicole Kidman: never, ever date a man who is prettier than you!

3. What is it with grannies these days? Yesterday, we read about five anti-war grandmothers being arrested for trespassing at an Army recruiter’s office. Today, a grandma who was tasered after honking her horn at a police cruiser was sentenced to probation. Must be something in the Metamucil.

4. A cola that will burn 50-100 calories per 12-oz. serving? Now I can have a Coke and a smile.

5. This year’s prize for bad writing was awarded to a Microsoft analyst. (Check the ironic spelling — carburettor? — in the news story. Guess they must’ve used MS Word’s spell-checker, eh?)

6. Independent counsels… the new American Idols?

7. Now here’s a way to let Jane Fonda know what you think of her latest publicity stunt… er, “protest.”

8. Once again, I find myself wondering why do so many damned protestors protest in the nude?

9. Yummm…. is that chocolate you’re wearing, or am I just happy to see you?