Great. The list of superficial things women are supposed to worry about just got longer:
- Full, shiny, lustrous hair.
- Hair that’s fashionably styled and colored.
- Botox for inevitable forehead wrinkles.
- Eyelash extensions.
- Having the “right” eye color.
- Well-arched eyebrows.
- Eyelids that don’t sag.
- Perfectly lined eyes with well-colored crease.
- Fresh, dewy skin.
- No visible pores.
- No blemishes.
- No acne scars.
- No “crows feet.”
- Pert little nose.
- Well-defined cheekbones.
- Hair-free upper lip.
- Full, pouty lips… that don’t leave kiss-marks.
- Straight, and preferably very white, teeth.
- Firm, non-jowly jawline.
- Wrinkle-free neck.
- Decollete unmarred by age spots.
- All-year, all-over bronzed skin.
- Hairless arm-pits… that are moisturized, no less!
- No body odor.
- No “backne.”
- Perky boobs. Size only somewhat negotiable.
- Upper arms that don’t wobble.
- Elbows that don’t look dry, dark or scaly.
- Hands that don’t reveal one’s age.
- Well-shaped nails with or without nail polish.
- No ragged cuticles.
- Flat, or at least non-saggy abs.
- Nicely maintained bikini line. Cute shape optional.
- Panties that don’t look like Grandma’s.
- Booty that bounces just enough… but not too much.
- No cellulite.
- Firm, smooth thighs.
- Shapely calves.
- Thin ankles.
- Well-pedicured, moisturized feet… in leg-enhancing heels.
- Prettily painted toenails (somewhat negotiable).
And the list just got longer:
- Rosy nipples, albeit artificially enhanced.
This might be why so many women resort to buying plastic phallic “friends” rather than deal with the load of crap we’re expected to endure just to be attractive enough to get some.
Tuesday, March 27th, 2007, 6:22 pm | 
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March 27, 2007 at 7:24 pm
Nearly that entire list is crap, IMO. To quote the Bard, sonnet 130:
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
March 27, 2007 at 7:48 pm
Ah, my friend. I’ve seen your wife. She’s absolutely gorgeous!
March 27, 2007 at 7:52 pm
According to that list, Kate, I lose!
March 27, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Me, too. I don’t have the time — or the energy — for all of that. Which, according to most women’s magazines, means I’ve “let myself go.”
Go less insane? Go to sleep earlier? Go do something more interesting?
Yeah. I let myself go alright.
March 27, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Kate, you look great. Your house looks great. Your son is cute as the dickens. Your husband is a looker, too.
By all measures, you are successful, so forget abut it all.
March 28, 2007 at 2:04 am
That list depressed the hell out of me. Maybe because I’m 32 and never have ever given a damn about any of it. Which could explain some things, I guess.
March 28, 2007 at 9:41 am
Ladies, call me a reactionary redneck but the items on that list are the products of gay guys in the fashion, cosmetics and advertising industries. If you want yourselves to be attractive to Madison Avenue sissy-boys that is the way to go but just remember that you will be selling out to your natural enemies.
March 28, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Actually nk…. it’s a list that women created trying to outdo other women.
Considering most of the women I know who are happily married, not a single one would have a husband at all if she was judged by the list above.
As for me – I don’t care to compete with other women. I’m just me – take it or leave it.
March 28, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Which was kind of the point, Teresa. Women’s magazines try to convince women that men care about that long, long list. Men, as the guys above have shown, could not care less.
Curiously, I can’t help noticing that female readers responded by first comparing themselves to the list, then rejecting it.
March 28, 2007 at 1:44 pm
The list explains why it takes so freaking long for a woman to get ready to go out on a date. Yeesh. Though, I must admit, a woman with a hairier upper lip than me is a definite turn-off
March 28, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Yeah, besides, it tickles.
I still say the list is crap. I can take Photoshop and enhance a photo to the point that nobody could possibly look that good. Artificial standards of “beauty” are no less false for being in print – they change with popular culture.
And yes, Kate – my other half is lovely, but about half of my library of images of her are pictures that will never see the light of day regardless of how much work I put into it with Photoshop, simply because she didn’t like how it turned out or the light wasn’t right. Photos, like standards, aren’t about reality.
March 28, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Then again, there’s the “mathematically perfect woman.” (Scroll down. Waaaaay down.)
March 29, 2007 at 10:20 am
Out of curiosity, who says women have to worry about all those things? I doubt guys care (I don’t…well, the hairy thing is kinda yewwww, but that’s a personal preference). I always thought that Cosmo was more sexist than any skin mag…maybe I was right?
March 29, 2007 at 11:11 am
Well, let me just say (now that I’ve calmed down a bit), when I read VH this list of things women are told to do by the magazine/entertainment industry in order to be declared attractive, he said — and I quote —
“Damn straight!”
I would like to go on the record now as saying that VH is in continued good health. Surprisingly.
March 29, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Turn the lights out when you are in bed. It’s all in both of your heads from that point on.
March 29, 2007 at 11:05 pm
Well, as Heinlein says, “It’s all gray in the dark.”
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