Have at it! Winners announced… eventually.

(Facebook readers please visit Electric Venom to comment.)

How on earth did I — or he — survive three months of summer???

See, I thought for once that stating the obvious about a Caption Contest deadline — that I’d post the winner whenever, rather than a date I didn’t keep — might get you people off of my back. But nooooOOO.

So, you want a winner? Fine, you’ve got a winner. And a second place. And an honorable mention.

First Place: Bill with, “December 15, 2020: Now wait a minute, I didn’t say global global warming.”

Second Place: Timmer with, “Seriously? You ALL came on private jets and you ALL rented limos? Nobody thought to car pool?”

Honorable Mention: Ike with, “Back when I was pretending to grow up in Tennessee while going to DC prep schools, my nanna gave me this bit of wisdom: Never let leaked messages from a whistle-blower get in the way of a potentially-lucrative narrative.”

Happy now?

This year I told myself that I wouldn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions primarily because I didn’t need to. After all, I started dieting in November — just in time for the holidays. Now that I’ve lost 20 pounds (with !#*&ing more to go) and have made an hour of exercise part of my regular daily routine, it seems redundant to resolve to keep doing what I’ve already been doing.

And then I opened my basement closet in search of a blanket because it’s so freaking cold. It went something like this:

Now, one thing I didn’t expect from losing weight and starting to regain my fitness was just how much energy I’d regain. It feels as if, by seeing some success at weight loss, I’ve rediscovered my sense of purpose and my confidence that I can accomplish what I set out to do. That’s an amazing feeling.

So as stood there getting pummeled by things falling out of my basement closet, I finally came up with my resolution for 2010: this is the year that I will conquer the clutter in our Venomous Household, without relying on VH’s assistance, without telling myself that I can’t do anything until it’s garage sale-weather, without planning to eBay crap but never getting around to it.

This year — because I am sick of blogging about how sick I am of the clutter in my house — I am going to do something about the cause of my annoyance. No, I’m not getting rid of VH… I meant the clutter.

You might think I started by tackling the basement closet, but you’d be wrong. I started, instead, by ordering myself a Kindle, something I’ve been lusting after since they came out. Why start with that? Well, for one thing, because I plan to read and implement David Allen’s “Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity” (on my new Kindle, of course).

For another thing, well, I didn’t make a resolution about ceasing to be a procrastinator. I’m putting that one off until next year.

Meowy Christmas, everyone, from the Venomous Household and the cat who owns us!

Photo credit: AFP

Winners announced… whenever.

(If you’re viewing this on Facebook, please click through to the original to post your caption!)

On behalf of countless mothers and wives who wake up on Christmas morning to find they’re getting a set of scented soaps and bubble bath (again) because their husbands and/or kids wait until the last minute to do their Christmas shopping OR don’t have a clue what Mom might like OR just don’t give a hoot, I thought I’d share a list of some non-scents gifts to keep the woman in your life from spitting in your Christmas dinner. Every item on this list is something I’ve bought or have been given in the past year, so you can shop confident in your knowledge that you’re buying something with the Venomous Seal of Approval (you know, if there was such a thing).

Got an iPhone (or iPod)-loving Mom on the go? Help her get her groove on while driving with the Monster iCarPlay Wireless Plus FM Transmitter/Charger for iPod ($17.99). Not only will she be able to groove to her favorite iTunes but since the iCarPlay lets her talk on her iPhone hands-free through her mini-van’s car stereo system, she’ll be able to safely flip off all those annoying drivers who forget to use their freaking turn signals.

Okay, I have to admit: I first bought this for the Venomous Hubby’s birthday, but it wasn’t long before I came down with a severe case of monitor envy. I mean, here I’m always worried about crow’s feet and those annoying red spots on the side of my nose that my glasses leave, and HE had a monitor big enough to read email from across the room? We’re now the proud owners of not one but two of these bad boys. So why does the woman in your life need this massive I-Inc Lcd 28″ LCD Monitor (at the comparatively low price of $319)? Why, so you can play Dragon Age: Origins after she’s passed out from all of that hardcore Christmas Day cooking, of course!

What’s better than a video camera that slips into a purse so it’s handy when Mom wants to record her kid scoring the winning goal or starring in yet another dance recital? A video camera so small she’ll have it available to roll your own homemade pr0n when the two of you are “doing laundry” or whatever it is you’re doing behind that locked door while the kiddies stand there asking “Why does Mommy sound like she’s choking?” With the Flip UltraHD Camcorder, 120 Minutes ($149.99) you can have it all!

Know what sucks more than spending your morning making sure everyone’s awake, fed, dressed and ready to head off to school/work/community service only to find that someone finished off the coffee and didn’t bother to make a fresh pot? Nothing! Keep the household CEO sufficiently caffeinated with this Keurig B40 Elite Gourmet Single-Cup Home-Brewing System($98). It brews a fresh cuppa in a matter of seconds, comes with a nice sampler of coffee and teas to start, and ensures you’ll never have an empty coffee pot come flying at your head because you forgot — again — to make more after topping off your travel mug. (For you frugal-minded folks check out the Keurig My K-Cup Reusable Coffee Filter that lets you use your own (cheap) grind instead of shelling out for new K-Cups. $8.99)

Okay, no one likes labels being attached to them. But to their stuff? Well, that’s another matter. Let her indulge her inner control-freak with the Brother PT-80 P-touch Electronic Labeling System ($13.19). It’s perfect for labeling files, spice jars, shelves, keys and just about everything else. Just don’t blame me if you come home to find, as VH once did, that she’s gone a little bat shit crazy and labeled the light switches, too. (Hey, it saves electricity and light bulbs, so how crazy can it be???)

If you’ve already gone ahead and bought her a bath set, don’t worry: there’s still time to redeem yourself. Couple it with this gorgeous 100% Silk Robe ($109.00) and a coupon promising you’ll take the kiddies out so she can soak in the tub without interruption, and you might just get to stuff her “stocking” come Christmas night, too!

So, what’s on your Christmas Wish List this year? Share in the comments if you’re so inclined, and feel free to leave this page conveniently visible on your monitor in the hope your spouse and/or kids see it.

28 days without martinis.
25 days of dieting.
15 pounds gone.
0 casualties to report.

That is all.