I almost rented a movie last night instead of watching the Presidential Debate. After all, I’d already sat through six hours of the networks’ post-debate punditry before the Debate itself ever aired in my time zone. Now, I wish I’d just gone to bed. For those of you who were smart enough to do so – and haven’t been able to wade through the news’ coverage today – here’s the Cliff Notes version of the first Presidential Debate. (I suspect the other two will be little more than reruns.)

John Kerry: This President is out of touch. Today, our country needs to be more like we were when (insert reference to event occuring between 1961 and 1972). I served in the military back then, you know. If you vote for me, I guarantee I’ll make the U.S. exactly like it was way back then. Oh, and in case you didn’t know it (drop impressive sounding but otherwise not generally recognized names here) told me they want me to win. You haven’t heard that from them, but you can take my word for it. And, if you’re impressed by their names, well, you should vote for me, too.

George Bush: My opponent is clueless (which I’d expect from a Yale man). I’ve been President for four years. I know what it takes to be President. He hasn’t been President. I’ve made tough decisions. He can’t make a decision at all and, when he does, he changes his mind. Me? I don’t change my mind, even if it depresses me and everyone else, because if I change my mind the terrorists will kill us all. By the way, what’s this “Global Test” thing? I never signed up for a pop quiz.

So, there you have it. Now, if I could just get John Kerry to loan me his Travel-Back-In-Time Machine, perhaps I could get back those 90 minutes of my life otherwise wasted listening to the two of them say the same things they’ve said – far more eloquently – before.

Friday, October 1st, 2004, 9:50 am   |   Politics Bite  |  RSS feed Comments and pings are currently closed.