You do know how much I hate cell phones, don’t you?

It’s not just the arrogance of people who aren’t doctors and don’t even play one on TV, yet take calls during movies or while eating at restaurants, as if they live such dramatically important lives the world might collapse if they followed a plot or finished a meal before returning a call.

It’s not just the way 99% of cell phone owners fully believe that talking on a cell phone while driving is dangerous, but consider themselves such “safe drivers” that they’re the exception to the rule.

It’s not just the way that a certain idiot cell phone owner I know called today and left a message for me – asking me to call him on his goddamn cell number – and when I do get home and get his message and manage to find something to entertain the my son so Mommy can talk on the phone for five minutes without being interrupted, and I once again find the scrap of paper where I wrote the freakin’ number down in Crayon which is now nearly impossible to read because of the Kool-Aid that’s spilled all over it, and after six tries I finally dial the right number the idiot says, “Gee, let me call you when I get to the office because I’m running low on minutes this month.”

And, it’s not just the way that people pick out cutesy ring tones to express their “individuality” and then insist on turning the goddamn things up so loud that they make me jump six inches into the air when their friend (who is altogether too impatient to wait for a return call in response to the message she left at the house) calls to ask (altogether too damn loudly) “Are you busy?” and the cell phone owner – who obviously is busy doing something or she’d be sitting by the freakin’ phone at work or home instead of pushing her way between me and the sales rack at Sear’s – says “No, not at all” before grabbing the very skirt I was reaching for and launching into a nasal-toned volley of words to describe the most intimate of details about her day to the person on the other end of the phone who keeps saying, “Oh, my god! You’re kidding?!” until I want to rip the phone owner’s eyeballs out and shove them in her mouth just to shut her the fuck up.

No, believe me, I have a lot more against cell phones, but I wouldn’t want to shock you with just how much I truly despise them. Let’s just say that I’d make Lorena Bobbit look tame if I was in the middle of foreplay with a man who paused to dial this company.

A Brazilian telephone company is offering a helping hand to Latin lovers who are lacking inspiration with animations of sexual positions based on the Kama Sutra flashed directly to their mobile phones.

For 99 Brazilian centavos (21 pence), customers of Tele Norte Leste Participacoes’ wireless (news – web sites) arm Oi can download one of 40 animations which come with a short explanation and gauge of difficulty. [...]

Oi, which claims to be the first Brazilian telephone company to offer the service, said it could double the number of animated positions available if demand warranted. Each animation comes with a warning that the content is for people over the age of 18.