Posts tagged ‘American Idol’

February 27th, 2008

American Idol: Four Non-Blondes

by Venomous Kate

Ah, it’s time for the estrogen-laden version of American Idol. Conveniently enough, I’m dealing with my own PMT… which means you’ve got Four Non-Blondes (and all those fake ones) and ME.

Ready?

I thought so.

(Aside: Did you catch that straight-at-the-camera glance from Simon? He was thinking how Paula Abdul’s boobs don’t look nearly as good as mine.)

Carly Smithson: Amazing voice, but I’ve got used tampons with more charisma than she demonstrates on stageand they haven’t had a $2.2 million recording contract that should’ve been sufficient to buy them a personality.

Syesha Mercado: For the record, Me and Mrs. Jones (mp3) is one of my all-time favorite songs. It’s a song of lust, and it’s a song of shame. As much as I like Syesha — and I remember her auditions — she didn’t capture either emotion.

Brooke White: If I had a dime for every time I’ve sat in a bar and heard some chick try to emote her way through You’re So Vain I just might be able to afford the album that Brooke White deserves to record.

Ramiel Malubay: Ordinarily I like this little woman with the big voice, but listening to her sing this song was like looking at a poster of a Rembrandt: you know it’s good, but you don’t feel how good it really is. The bra-hitch thing at the end was kind of cute, though.

(Aside: Is it me, or is the girls’ show ten times longer than the boys’ was last night?)

Kristy Cook: Wow, those legs. That hair. Those hips. That face. But that voice? Ish.

Amanda Overmyer: Unlike Robbie Carrico, I’ve got no problem believing Amanda’s been ridden hard and put away wet. Twenty-eight years old? My 40-year-old ass looks younger than she does. It’s also had better hairstyles..

Alaina Whitaker: Now that I’ve listened to a nationally-syndicated explanation of her eating disorders, I can honestly say that her singing was as nauseating as her song choice of Hopelessly Devoted.

Alexandrea Lushington: On a fashion note… I’m incapable of understanding any rationale that pairs a down vest with shorts and leather high-heel ankle boots. On a musical note… well, it’s nice that one of us was on one.

Kady Malloy: Wow, she sounded SO much better with my “Mute” button on.

Asia’h Epperson: I love Asiah’s voice as well as her song choice, All By Myself, although I’m more partial to the Gregorian Chant version which she didn’t even come close to surpassing. And, as they say, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades… so I’m going to chalk that performance up as a bomb.

All in all? I had more fun listening to the boys last night… including the two boys who really, let’s face it, ought to count as girls. But, hey, at least I got to look at Simon.

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February 26th, 2008

American Idol: Boys. Bad, Boys.

by Venomous Kate

After blowing off Idol last week and realizing the sky did not fall down, I’d given serious thought to ignoring the rest of the season, too. After all, with two contestants previously under recording contracts and one bragging about his international tours, the show no longer feels like it’s about discovering undiscovered talent. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much else on of interest tonight so I figured I might as well listen to the guys sing.

I almost wish I’d just gone to bed early.

Michael Johns: Ordinarily, I’m a big Fleetwood Mac fan but his efforts to sound like Lindsay Buckingham were reminiscent of a goat strangling on a piece of barbed wire. And is it just me, or does his upper lip look more like a bottom lip? Weird.

Jason Castro: The granola-munching Rasta hippie dude is back? Color me surprised. I kind of liked his rendition of that old Bee Gees tune: nice and vapid, just like the original. The only thing missing was someone sparking up a clove cigarette to give the whole performance that Friday night at the coffee house feel. Whatever will he do without that guitar to cover his weak vocals?

Luke Menard: Nice piece of college musical theatre performance, but there was only one Freddie Mercury and you aren’t him. So next time you want to show off your range try to at least ensure that all the notes in the song are actually in your range. Oh, and stop mugging for the home viewers you camera whore.

Robbie Carrico: Sure, he’s got the hair and wears his bandanna like Brett Michaels, but watching this guy move reminds me more of Justin Timberlake. Authentic rocker? I don’t think so. That was quite possibly the most lukewarm version of “Hot Blooded” I’ve ever heard.

Danny Noriega: The photos confirm he’s been a girl longer than he’s been a boy. (As if the song choice didn’t?) I’d feel bad about being so snarky but….Zzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry, I fell asleep. Ish.

David Hernandez: Somehow, I’m not terribly surprised to learn he wore leotards as a child. I like him anyway, and I really liked his rendition of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone”. Sssssmokin’!

Jason Yeager: Someone needs to advise this young man to firm up those pecs or get a man-bra. As to the song, I couldn’t decide if I was listening to a karaoke performance or watching a toothpaste commercial. And what the heck was that odd little flappy move at the end? (Could it have been a pec workout?)

Chikezie: I believe… I believe… I believe I’ve always loved Donnie Hathaway and that was one fine performance of one of his great songs. It looked fun, too. I hadn’t remembered much of him from previous performances (except the infamous red suit) but I really enjoyed this one even with the cheap shot at Simon.

David Cook: I’m supposed to root for this guy as our local contestant, what with him coming from a town just an hour away. He’s a word nerd, too, which one might think would make me like him. But I don’t. He’s smug, he sings down his nose and his voice is utterly unremarkable. Also, he needs to wash his hair.

David Archuleta: This little guy is just so adorable he makes me want to pick him up… for my daughter. Such a pure, wonderful and expressive voice. And yet as much as I like the guy, it really shocked me to hear someone his age sing John Lennon’s anthem, Imagine. It shocked me even more to love it as much as I did. And I absolutely 100% did love it!


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February 13th, 2008

American Idol Kept The Crybaby

by Venomous Kate

Last night’s Hollywood episode of American Idol — which whittled down 200+ contestants to 50 or so, from which the judges will narrow it to 24 — reminded me why I don’t like watching until mid-season.

The real pisser? At the beginning of Day 2 the judges said there would be no second chances… then gave a second chance to Josiah, the 17-year-old kid living in his car. I wasn’t all that impressed with the song he did for his first performance, but then again I didn’t even recognize the tune so I wouldn’t know if he was singing it well.

I’d already had my hate on for him the moment they began airing footage of Josiah crying in the hall, Josiah crying in his chair, Josiah crying backstage. Then came the time he cried because after he’d spent an hour “working out the arrangements for the band” (of professional, experienced musicians, I might add) so they could accompany him on his second song, he got frustrated when they didn’t play the way he wanted them to. So he walked out of the practice session and refused to return, even when the vocal coach asked him to come back.

Cue footage of Josiah crying again, then fast-forward to when Josiah (after drying his tears) took to the stage… and asked the band to leave so he could sing Stand by Me “as he hears it in his head”. As he proceeded to assault everyone’s ears with one of the most horrific, tuneless and appalling renditions of the classic song it struck me that perhaps Josiah needs medications to shut up whatever it is he “hears in his head”.

And… they gave him a second chance anyway. This, despite all three judges agreeing that it was abominable.

But on a positive note: Abstinence Amy is off the show. Can’t say I’m going to miss the vapid blinking of her big blue eyes accompanied by a lip-glossed pout that pretty much advertises Amy won’t be all about abstinence for too much longer. (And why, btw, did she seek the assistance of a “vocal coach” who was a Season 4 reject, much less let that “coach” select her song for them… a song Amy had never even heard and thus proceeded to massacre???)

Oh, and a word to Idol producers: we’ve all pretty much figured out that if you’re doing an in-depth “montage” about a contestant it’s a rather sure bet that person’s getting cut. Knock it off.

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