Posts tagged ‘TV’

August 4th, 2011

Dear Network Television and Advertisers

by Venomous Kate

Why we don't watch TV much these daysDear Network Television and Advertisers,

While I’m on the subject of commercials that suck, I would like to take this moment to say that I am sick of Chef Curtis Stone, the guy in the Pledge multi-purpose spray ad, the woman in the Mentos commercial who laments my dirty mouth, and all of the other Brits and Aussies whose accents you advertisers seem to think will make your product sound so much more impressive.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Brits or their former convict offspring from Australia. I don’t even have anything against Curtis Stone. I’m sure he’s a very nice man, and goodness knows he’s easy on the eye. In fact, I wholeheartedly applaud the UK ban on retouched makeup print ads. I’d love to see a similar ban enacted here in America. Then things like this and this would stop.

While we’re at it, those pseudo-telethon “shows” you run during daytime TV to pretend there’s a huge demand for your wares? Or when you try making a commercial look like a news interview? I can’t help wondering just how stupid you think viewers are. If you’re being so openly tricky with your ads, I can only assume you’re just as deceptive when it comes to your actual service.

As for you, Network Executives: enough with the shows about horrible people acting horribly. No, I’m not talking about Big Brother, though surely that show’s run its course by now. This time I’m talking about Whitney and whatever that new show Zooey Deschanel is in.

Oh, sure, it worked for Seinfeld, which is no doubt why you tried to rehash the theme in that awful experiment otherwise known as The New Adventures of Old Christine. But, really, if we wanted to see a bunch of self-indulgent, narcissistic, amoral people screwing up their own lives and the lives of everyone around them, we’d tune into C-Span.

Sincerely,
VK

 

March 9th, 2011

How To Replace Charlie Sheen With Rob Lowe

by Venomous Kate

Just sayin'

If you’re reading this it means you haven’t yet installed the Charlie Sheen Browser Blocker for Firefox or Chrome. Yeah, I can’t bring myself to use it, either. I do so love me some Schadenfreude.

Besides, as a formerly avid fan of Two And A Half Men , I’ve been waiting for Sheen to see what’s been obvious to everyone but Sheen for quite some time now: regardless of whether he shows up on time, regardless of whether he knows his lines (though I can’t imagine Sheen ever passing up an opportunity to do a line of any kind), regardless of the size of his bank account and the number of grams in the rocks he’s banging, regardless of the number of cars he owns and women he’s simultaneously sleeping with, regardless of how attractive his kids are or how many rooms there are in his mansion, the only difference between him and some Ozark mountain meth-head is that Sheen puts his fake teeth in before going to work.

So today’s news that Rob Lowe is in talks to replace Sheen on the show makes me very, very happy. Sure, John Stamos’ name has been floated, too, but Stamos lacks the true bad boy tint needed to balance Jon Cryer as uber-anal rententive Alan Harper. Yes, I know Stamos played airquote-rocker/bad boy-end airquote Uncle Jessie on Full House, but where’s his sex tape, hmm??? (No, seriously. I’d love to watch it.)

But how should Chuck Lorre write it?

If it was me (and, sadly, it’s not), I’d enjoy having the last laugh by inflicting an (unseen) Charlie Harper with repeated impotence after which he downs so much booze that he topples off of his deck and dies on the beach, where he remains undiscovered for days as Alan, Jake and Bertha enjoy his absence. Follow with a funeral scene similar to the episode in which Sheen’s real-life brother, Emilio Estevez, appeared. Queue the women spitting in Charlie’s casket. (James Earl Jones performing the eulogy in this one, too, would be icing on the cake.) Then, as Alan prematurely celebrates inheriting Charlie’s house, car and money… enter Rob Lowe as an old drinking buddy of Harper’s to whom Charlie left everything… including the responsibility of housing Alan and keeping Bertha employed.

BOOM. You’ve got a (much better looking) new bad boy (who may or may not catch Evelyn’s eye), a reason for Alan and Jake to remain in the beach house, Alan’s continued money envy and the ongoing jokes about his freeloader ways, and a reason to keep Bertha around.

But that’s just what I would do and, folks, if I could write a sitcom I sure as hell wouldn’t be sitting here wearing my pajamas and bunny slippers at 11 o’clock in the morning pounding the keyboard on an outdated computer while wondering just how hard-and-fast that 24-hour time limit on my 24-hour deodorant really is.

Or maybe I would.

February 22nd, 2011

Amazon Prime Gives Free, Unlimited Instant Videos!

by Venomous Kate

Dancing concessions - bring back movie night! A little over ten years ago, when people were still dismissing the internet as a fad that would never catch on*, I read in some magazine a prediction that the only way the internet would be useful was by allowing us to watch any movie ever made whenever we felt like it. (Of course, we’ve all found out since that know the most useful thing to come from the internet is access to pr0n, but the movie-watching thing is a close second, amIright?)

Until recently, Netflix has dominated the internet-streaming movie niche but as of today Amazon.com is making a serious run for the crown with its free, unlimited instant movie and TV-shows for Amazon Prime members.

If you aren’t familiar with the Prime program, it’s a $79/year membership that provides you with unlimited 2-day shipping from Amazon. (Click here to get a one-month free trial.) In our house, just about every day something arrives that we’ve ordered from Amazon — paper towels or TP by the case, books, the 35-lbs of gummy bears I bought one night after taking an Ambien. Our UPS guy is here so often he now recognizes when I’ve bought a new pair of pajamas. So, not surprisingly, the cost of our Prime membership paid for itself the first month.

Granted, Amazon’s free offerings are rather slim compared to Netflix so far, and hopefully they’ll expand their catalogue in the very near future. For those who haven’t signed up with either service, Amazon’s Prime program is a good way to get familiar (and addicted to) instant video streaming and, hey, if you don’t like it you still get unlimited 2-day shipping on anything you order from Amazon for an entire year!

AND NOW, FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE:

Bryant Gumball tries to explain “that little a with the circle around it” (@) sign to Katie Couric in 1994, asking “What is the internet, anyway?”

Now, if you’ll pardon me, I’m going to go burn all of the old photos in which I sported that same haircut that Katie’s wearing. What were we thinking????