Dear Hollywood Foreign Press,
Next time you’re looking for an aging, overweight, snarky and embittered loudmouth with questionable notoriety to host the Golden Globes, please drop me a line. I’m much more reasonably priced than Ricky Gervais (will work for booze!) and chances are my calendar’s clear that night.
Smooches,
VK
I need to find a new signature drink. Martinis are so passé, not to mention I can’t make a decent one and therefore have to rely on the skills of others. Suggestions?
Some caveats:
(1) No “shot” type drinks. Only sippers!
(2) I want something simple, as in: open bottle, pour, enjoy.
(3) If it costs more than $25, VH will “accidentally” forget to buy it. Even if it’s a sure-fire Get Lucky drink.
(4) Don’t suggest red wine (it gives me headaches) or tequila (I give other people headaches).
(5) Nothing too sweet. Yep, I’m STILL dieting. (Down 27 pounds now, thanks for asking.)
That said – heh – what do you suggest?
Your Venomous Hostess has had a rough day. A rough, unprofitable day — a combination which is guaranteed to put me in the mood for a martini.
Did you know that during a bad economy, people will cut back on just about everything but lottery tickets and booze? In the Venomous Household, we call VH’s weekly lottery purchases his “dumb tax” since his piddly $5 winnings here and there don’t even compare to the 3.2% he’d (read: we‘d) have made had he invested the funds in our money market account instead of spending them.
Apparently, that irrational thinking behind lottery ticket purchases is shared by people who consider their incomes insufficient, whereas those who perceive themselves to be financially comfortable spend their money on other things.
Like booze. Evidently, when the economy gets tough, the tough go drinking.
If high-end European vodka is too expensive, you might try the stuff distilled in Wisconsin. If that’s too much, how about a beer? Don’t have enough for an import, try a domestic. If the bar tab is too much to handle, stop off at the store and bring a six-pack home.
Now, while Yours Venomously may have had a rough and unprofitable day, she still has standards. Ergo, she’s not yet willing to trade in her exquisite and repeatedly distilled high-end grape-based vodka for the swill they make locally, which makes The Venomous One’s martinis taste like petrol. So perhaps there’s something to be said in favor of the French since their vodka which tops that of the Russians as well as that distilled by the guy up the road here in Kansas.
Ergo, I have dispatched the Venomous Hubby to go forth and make martini goodness happen. Unfortunately, he just informed me that we’re out of vodka, a situation which only compounds my distress over such a rough, unprofitable day. He has, however, offered to run out and replenish my supply, an offer to which I gladly agreed even though I’m certain his real motive is purchasing yet another lottery ticket for tomorrow night’s Power Ball drawing. I’m fine with that, though. Really, I am, especially since I couldn’t make a decent martini if my life depended on it. And, as I believe I’ve made clear, I ain’t going without my martini tonight, dammit.
So this week’s Tippling Tuesday question is this: what discretionary spending item can you not live without?
It’s Tuesday again, which means it’s time for all good Venomites to celebrate this vastly underrated and under appreciated day of the week. Oh, Monday’s suck. We all know that. Wednesdays are Hump Day. Thursdays are, for whatever reason, typically “Ladies’ Night” in bars and on Friday we all get laid.
Or that’s the plan, at any rate.
So what should we do with a Tuesday? Why, here at Electric Venom we celebrate booze!
Now, due to an unfortunate accident involving a glass-rack that wasn’t as firmly screwed into the ceiling as we believed, I don’t have a single martini glass in the house. Since I’m a snob (I don’t even drink wine out of a box, much less beer out of… anything), that means I won’t be having a martini tonight.
I do have two ingredients, though:
1. Brandy; and
2. Ginger ale.
One part brandy and 3 parts ginger ale apparently makes a perfectly lovely mixed drink. Thing is, I have no idea what it’s called! Not that I’d be able to order it if I went to a bar, anyway. Nowadays it’s next to impossible to find one that actually has ginger ale, much less non-diet 7-Up.
So, anyone know the name of this fine concoction?
And, while you’re at it, what are you drinking?
