Ah, it’s time for the estrogen-laden version of American Idol. Conveniently enough, I’m dealing with my own PMT… which means you’ve got Four Non-Blondes (and all those fake ones) and ME.

Ready?

I thought so.

(Aside: Did you catch that straight-at-the-camera glance from Simon? He was thinking how Paula Abdul’s boobs don’t look nearly as good as mine.)

Carly Smithson: Amazing voice, but I’ve got used tampons with more charisma than she demonstrates on stageand they haven’t had a $2.2 million recording contract that should’ve been sufficient to buy them a personality.

Syesha Mercado: For the record, Me and Mrs. Jones (mp3) is one of my all-time favorite songs. It’s a song of lust, and it’s a song of shame. As much as I like Syesha — and I remember her auditions — she didn’t capture either emotion.

Brooke White: If I had a dime for every time I’ve sat in a bar and heard some chick try to emote her way through You’re So Vain I just might be able to afford the album that Brooke White deserves to record.

Ramiel Malubay: Ordinarily I like this little woman with the big voice, but listening to her sing this song was like looking at a poster of a Rembrandt: you know it’s good, but you don’t feel how good it really is. The bra-hitch thing at the end was kind of cute, though.

(Aside: Is it me, or is the girls’ show ten times longer than the boys’ was last night?)

Kristy Cook: Wow, those legs. That hair. Those hips. That face. But that voice? Ish.

Amanda Overmyer: Unlike Robbie Carrico, I’ve got no problem believing Amanda’s been ridden hard and put away wet. Twenty-eight years old? My 40-year-old ass looks younger than she does. It’s also had better hairstyles..

Alaina Whitaker: Now that I’ve listened to a nationally-syndicated explanation of her eating disorders, I can honestly say that her singing was as nauseating as her song choice of Hopelessly Devoted.

Alexandrea Lushington: On a fashion note… I’m incapable of understanding any rationale that pairs a down vest with shorts and leather high-heel ankle boots. On a musical note… well, it’s nice that one of us was on one.

Kady Malloy: Wow, she sounded SO much better with my “Mute” button on.

Asia’h Epperson: I love Asiah’s voice as well as her song choice, All By Myself, although I’m more partial to the Gregorian Chant version which she didn’t even come close to surpassing. And, as they say, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades… so I’m going to chalk that performance up as a bomb.

All in all? I had more fun listening to the boys last night… including the two boys who really, let’s face it, ought to count as girls. But, hey, at least I got to look at Simon.